What your stepchild's mom wants you to know about her life
Mutual understanding is one of the most important ingredients in the ex-wife/wife coalition mix. This post is in response to a guest post from the stepmom’s perspective by author Wednesday Martin.
Let the dialogue begin!
It’s not easy to feel judged and misunderstood
It’s not easy for me to be constantly seen at “the enemy” either. I know that you and your husband likely bonded over a vivid dissection of my flaws and shortcomings. Part of your relationship fantasy about how you two so right for each other probably includes a lot of evidence about he and I were so wrong for each other. This may very well be the case, but please consider how uniquely exposed and vulnerable and yes, even defensive this would make anyone feel.
And give some thought to the overall quality of the energy you’re bringing to our relationship. If I continue to sense like you’re gloating over my tiniest mistakes or keeping score on a You Wouldn’t Believe What She Did This Time roster, I’m not going to be very inclined to cut you any slack either. If you’re rude and competitive and snarky with me, how am I supposed to imagine you being patient and kind to my children?
My kids aren’t perfect
If you have your own child with my ex, you know how hard it is to raise kids. Everyone’s a parenting critic, until they have one! I may love my children with all my heart, but does that mean I’m automatically perfectly consistent as a parent? A model disciplinarian? Forever loving, patient and attentive? No, of course not.
The truth is, I often feel helpless, embarrassed, confused, and ashamed of the things I can’t handle or improve as a mother. Sometimes I’m just as overwhelmed and clueless about my child’s behavior as you are. The strong-willed toddler, the pre-teen mood swings, the ill-conceived forays into teenage independence, they throw me for a loop too. It seems like just when I get a handle on one of my child’s more difficult “phases,” they move into a new one, rattling my parental confidence. When you criticize my children, you incite my protectiveness, but my unconditional love gets tested too! Giving birth to a child doesn’t mean you are always in control of that child’s behavior, personality, or the trajectory of their life.
Also, some of the existing behavior or discipline problems you’re now seeing in my children are a reflection of the things in my marriage that didn’t work between your husband and I. And as you might have experienced yourself as his co-parent, my ex-partner and I were often at odds when it came to reinforcing rules and consequences. This likely contributed to the demise of our marriage, so don’t lay the blame for parenting mistakes squarely on my shoulders. Distribute it fairly.
I’m not expecting everything between us to be all hunky-dory
I’m not looking to be your best friend, but I would like to feel like we’re on the same page as hands-on caretakers of these children. I would like to know that the priority between both households is raising these children well together, instead of proving the other side wrong. I would like to be able to call you to follow-up on a child’s cold, late (or missing) homework, or suspicions that one of them is falling in with the wrong crowd before it becomes a major problem.
The thing that keeps me from going there, in part, is knowing how much you talk about me with my ex. I can’t trust you or confide in you about things I may not be handling well because it doesn’t feel safe. If I knew you weren’t going to be so quick to judge me, it’d be a lot easier to problem-solve together. I know this goes both ways.
I’m scared of my kids loving you. There, I said it.
I have to admit, this strikes fear in my heart: I’m scared of my kids liking you, because if they like you, that could lead to them loving you. Plus, it’s hard to feel like the areas where you’re shining as a stepmom also happen to shed light on areas where I fall short as a parent. So is there a part of me that’s happy they don’t like you? Have I subtly or directly encouraged this? Yes, and I know it’s wrong and selfish and ultimately not in their best interests. But I don’t know you. And I don’t know what your intentions are with my children. Would you be willing to tell me?
It’s also hard to feel like a bomb blew up in your family. It’s difficult to see your kids forever schlepping their stuff between two homes. It’s tough to have them go away and not know what’s going on in their lives. I don’t have a crystal ball to see into your household and I worry about them. That’s what moms do! Sure, I want as many people as possible loving my children, but it’s also scary on some level to have it happen out of “viewing range.” And what if love for you mean less of an attachment to me? If you have your own children with my ex, you may think you understand what this primitive fear is like, but if you’ve never shared your children like this with another woman, I can assure you, you don’t.
I’m not my children’s “bio-mom,” I’m their mom. Period.
My children were not created in a test tube! Nor were they adopted (where this term originated). I gave birth to them, much as you don’t want to think about this. Yes, your husband – my ex – and I once went through our own little bubble of history that included joy, wonder, excitement and all the rest of it when our children were born. (Perhaps you two have experienced this yourselves.) Why do you feel the need to belittle my role by changing my name? Are you trying to diminish my sense of power or authority?
The things you’re doing out of a sense of competitiveness to prove that you’re the better mom to my kids (“I’ll show them what consistency and higher standards should look like!”) really only serve to objectify your stepchildren, if you think about it. And that can’t be good for them either, just like the blind parenting mistakes I’m making.
Perhaps part of your behavior is fueled by the pressure to solidify your marriage and validate your husband’s belief that he did indeed choose the right woman by being with you. But keep in mind, demonizing me lets him off the hook when it comes to him dealing with the deep-seated patterns that led to the demise of his first marriage. You should have a vested interest in seeing those issues resolved, because they may affect your marriage someday too.
I probably still have baggage with my ex
Yes, yes, it’s been however many years, but no matter who initiated the divorce, in some ways emotionally skirting too close to the divorce still causes me great pain and sadness. My family is forever in two pieces now, there’s no going back. This is reality for my children. When they came into this world, I never imagined this was how their lives would be…. I’m sure it’s the same for you, if you have children.
Parenting is even harder now that I’m divorced. I don’t have access to a ready ear from the only other person in the world who knows and loves these children (hopefully) just as much as I do — their dad. Now I’m in the dark, trying to do this all on my own. Even if I have a partner, he’s not their father. His patience is tried too. I can tell when he’s trying to bite his own tongue about aspects of their behavior that he doesn’t like. It feels lonely and sad and sometimes I fear for my children’s future because of it.
The only way out of this mess is to move through the pain, assign accountability fairly on both sides and forgive. But I’m reluctant to fully grieve the loss of my little original family unit because to do so feels like jumping off a cliff into the mouth of an active volcano. I’m afraid to go there, it seems overwhelming and scary. I don’t know how. So it’s easier for me to just resent my ex and blame him and unfortunately, that means you get thrown into the mix too. I do weird passive-aggressive things with both of you, I get angry. I inappropriately stick my kids in the middle and then I secretly regret my bad behavior. You might not believe me, but I know it’s wrong and I know I need to change. I’m just not sure where to start!
I promise to play nice if you do.
We both need to try harder here. If we simply give in to the temptation to see each other in the worst possible light, things could easily continue on like this for years. And in the meantime, the children are growing older and experiences where OUR conflicts take precedence are piling up, instead of the normal developmental milestones they’re SUPPOSED to be having. Let’s work on minimizing our conflicts and model healthy emotional management skills for the kids to use later on in their own families.
Can we at least shake hands on trying to do better?
© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved
Get the revolutionary, new approach to diffusing the traditional animosity between moms and stepmoms and creating a brand, new version of an extended family that's healthier and happier.
Jennifer,
I realized early on when my ex walked out to live with his girlfriend that I was completely demonized. I had to be. It was the only way “they” would work.
I made SO many mistakes.
and then because I wasn’t remarried at the drop of a hat, my ex and his new wife decided to begin a subtle campaign of “your mom is unstable.” About that same time, I was undergoing breast cancer treatment…chemo, radiation, being bald. Yup. Unstable.
Now that I am mom and stepmom, I see both sides. I know how it works between me and my husband’s ex-wife. Are there some gotchas? Sure there are. We’re just different enough to keep it interesting, but we’re the same enough to keep things on an even keel.
I’ve never met my now adult daughters’ stepmom. Nope. I have tried reaching out, but who knows, I’m probably still the spawn of Satan.
Jen, these are wonderful. The first step to change is acknowledging our behavior. Sometimes I’d like to shake the person that can’t see themselves and shake the hands of the ones that can.
I missed the Dr. Phil show and I can’t seem to find it anywhere online. I meant to record it but of course my alarm was set a day too late. Such is life
.
Jennifer, this article is exaclty what I needed. Even though Im a mom as well as a stepmom, I only see my usbands ex through my stepmom lens. This is a real eye-opener, and Im truly grateful for your honesty and courage in putting it out there. I tried to “share” it on my site, but there was a bug on blogger, so I copied and pasted it – I hope you don’t mind – I linked it back to here. I thought it was so important to share. All the best.
Hi Jen, Carol, and all your readers,
Brava on this piece for its honesty and for the light it sheds! I can’t help but feeling that we’re preaching to the converted here with our back and forth–anyone coming here will likely already be willing to take the kind of self inventory you are advocating–but you never know who could be moved in ways s/he hadn’t expected, or moved to pass it along.
best,
wednesday
I love this post! This is my favorite part: “I’m not my children’s “bio-mom,” I’m their mom. Period.
My children were not created in a test tube! Nor were they adopted (where this term originated). I gave birth to them.”
I am a mother and a “stepmother”. The “stepmother” term is the one that is false. Due to my profession and my work with couples in remarriage, this term and terms like “blended” are not helpful. This new term “bio mom” is enough to make me go Uzi. Who came up with this? A biomom is a mother who gave her child up for adoption. Period. End of story.
I am the mother to my four children. My ex’s husband’s wife is not their mother or even a stepmother. She is an ally to them and I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart. Thank God she never tried to “mother” them or there would have been hell to pay from me. Love them all you want, but not mother them. They don’t want it, need it or aspire to it. And thankfully, she doesn’t either.
I have complete and total respect for the role of mother towards my husband’s ex. Not because I agree with her decisions, but because I respect her role as MOTHER. As for her daughter, she needs only to accept me into her life in the most shallow of ways, put up with me if you will…I am only her father’s wife.
I totally agree with what Wednesday said–anyone enlightened enough to come and read this is likely already TRYING to be civil and NOT use her children as pawns in the game of “destroy the ex”. Unfortunately, the ones that make it difficult still hate their exes more than they love their children.
Maybe some of the “Children First in Divorce”-type class educators will find this blog and incorporate some of the information in the classes…and maybe, just maybe, it won’t fall on deaf ears.
Former stepmom (of 2 kids with a pawn-playing mom) and now divorced mom (civilly coparenting),
Tina
I don’t know enough about all stepmoms to know if this is true across the board or not, but I suspect that at least a chunk of us would say that we don’t spend much time talking about our guys’s past relationships with his kids’ mom — or with anyone else — and we don’t want to demonize people he’s been with in the past. It’s hard to be interacted with as if we were doing that!
Also, I do think a big chunk of the stepmom population would say we never dreamed of trying to be a mom to our stepkids — or to compete with their mom in any way — and it’s hard to be interacted with as if we were trying to do that, too!
A lot of us are just trying to have our romantic relationships and build appropriate relationships with our partner’s kids who live with us part of the time — it’s hard to be approached and interacted with as though we were doing things to hurt the kids’ mom behind her back! It’s hard to be seen as so hurtful and scary and untrustworthy by default, if that makes sense…
It’s hard to have the responsibility of putting mom at ease added to the weirdness of trying to join a family system where you are automatically the outsider…
P.S. Amen to the ‘biomom’ thing — that has always struck me as a disrespectful and hurtful name for a mom.
Jen-
I loved your article. I also saw the show on Dr. Phil, and thought it was wonderful. As a step-mom, I am not automatically a “Mom” hater. Unfortunatley whether your are the Mom or the step-mom, there are always pre-conceived notions and fears of the other person that are sometimes hard to get past. I think all of the things you wrote about above are very valid. I think it is great that you and Carol were able to “overcome” your difference’s and your feelings and get along and address your concerns.
While my SS’s mother and I can usually remain civil, it is normally because I bite my tounge (but who knows, maybe she is doing the same thing on her side). I do feel like I try to put a lot of effort into co-parenting with her and my husband, but I often feel like that effort isn’t reciprocated. But I won’t lie, I do judge a lot of the things she does. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I love my SS and only want what is best for him.
I don’t “Mom Bash” in front of my step-son, even though I know in the past she has done this to me. I really think a lot of these relationships would be so much better if everyone could just sit down and talk, and be TRUTHFUL, and for the most past, leave the kids out of it.
I think you guys are a great model for blended families, and can only hope that my husband’s ex might one day stumble across your site. (Doubtful).
I am not the perfect step-mom (nor have I ever pretended to be), but being able to see things from your perspective gives me more tolerance towards his Mom, and makes me want to work harder, in hopes that one day we can truly be “co-parents” in all of this.
Great article !
I never really thought about how “biomom” might be hurtful. I never use that term outside of the blogosphere, but I will make a mental note to be more aware. This is a great letter – it highlights so many things that, as a stepmom absorbed in my own troubles, I haven’t thought of.
Unfortunately there is no relationship between the ex and myself. She refuses to acknowledge me; looks away if we drive past each other, ignores me at the gym, hurries in the other direction at the store. I truly do want to at least have a coffee and get to know each other on a surface level but I guess it’s easier for her to pretend I don’t exist. I thought about getting her a copy of your book for Christmas, but I think it may get taken the wrong way. Or else, it will just be a waste of money for she’ll just ignore it.
I think the most encouraging part of this letter was, “I know it’s wrong and I know I need to change.” That gave me hope that maybe our ex isn’t always riding a high horse and realizes she’s just as imperfect as the rest of us.
Thanks for this!
Am I the only “bio-mom” in the world who was GLAD to see my husband go? NOT jealous of his new wife? NOT worrying about what they say about me? I’m pretty secure in my knowledge that I did a good job of raising my child. My son behaves well; that speaks for itself.
My marriage didn’t work out. That’s ok. My ex-husband got a new girlfriend literally the same week that I let him know our relationship was over. That was fine with me.
My son was four years old, and he spent a lot of time with his new stepmom. As far as I know they got along well and still do, 25 years later.
It’s not that hard, folks.
If people didn’t guilt-trip themselves over the “failure” of their marriage, maybe they wouldn’t seek to blame and guilt-trip other people.
Maybe we just need to re-think the whole idea of marriage, and even whether it’s a good idea or not.
This is a very well-written piece. It’s interesting to think about things from the other side. As a stepmom myself with no biological children of my own, it’s interesting to see another perspective. Further, it gives me new perspective to the dynamic among my parents and stepparents. Remarriage is truly a sticky subject for everyone involved.
I’m stuck on Mary T Kelly’s comment that I can “love them all I want but not mother them.” What does that mean exactly? What exactly does a mother do that a stepmother doesn’t?
To marytkelly’s comments – I am a mom and a stepmom. And yes, I am a stepmom. Your comment that you feel that wives of fathers are not mothers or even stepmothers is insulting. I DO parent my stepchildren (i.e. ‘mother’) when they are in my house. When they are in my house, I am the mother. I feed them like a mother, I talk to them about school and friends like a mother, I make sure they have clean clothes, take showers, brush teeth like a mother….I do ALL the mother things while they are here.
Even when they’re not here, I think about them…as a mother. When I’m out shopping when they’re not here, I look for things for them with my mother’s heart and mind. I text them to let them know I’m thinking about them. I worry about them when I notice they miss school.
I may not be THE mother to them, but I am A (2nd) mother to them…and there should be nothing wrong with that. I’m not taking the 1st mother’s place, but I am augmenting her.
And the BM in my case (yes I will still use the term), feels that step parents can be equal parents because she feels that her husband is more of a father to her kids than their real father…has said so and has the kids call her husband Dad. Yet, I am just Dad’s wife and their friend. Totally unacceptable.
Every mother/stepmother dynamic is different. Not all of the dyads have healthy women like you Jennifer, who are willing to examine themselves and what they bring to the table. At least you are mature enough to be accountable for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. I applaud your courage and willingness to share. Admittedly, I am envious that you and Carol were able to forge past the differences and form a healthy and genuine relationship.
If only all mothers would take such a veracious analysis of themselves before choosing to judge and/or reject the new woman entering their child’s life. Mine didn’t. Unfairly, I didn’t have a chance from the start. I have arranged many discussions and one-on-one sessions to bridge the gap. Those moments are short lived, and quickly forgotten. She still rides her horse called entitlement, jumping boundaries, breaking parenting agreements, all the while wearing her “judgment free” mommy badge to justify and exempt all of her chaotic and unhealthy behaviors.
I feel a great sadness for my SD that her mother insists on perpetuating dysfunction. In an effort to end the nonsense, I have reached out to her countless times, my husband too. I now share the same sentiment as Jill. My romantic relationship with my spouse and fostering a healthy relationship with my SD has taken the front seat in my life, and tending to the needs, wants and drama of the mother has taken the rear, sometimes even the trunk (given the level of the toxicity).
Have I given up on her? NO, because I love my SD. However, I have learned that I can only be accountable and responsible for myself. By doing so I take the (at times almost out of reach) high road. I encourage my SD to foster a healthy relationship with her mother, even in times of adversity. I never make a face, cast judgment or speak poorly about her in front of my SD. When we share the same space I exercise proper social decorum, I am civil and courteous. I do all of this for myself, my sanity and because my SD deserves this.
I understand that a mother, like you Jennifer, who considers themselves accountable and proactive in their child’s life may feel disrespected, belittled, or dethroned by the term “bio” mother. Similarly, much like the term “step” mother and all of its accompanying evil connotations can make me feel unaccepted, judged, and ostracized. Terms and labels hurt, especially when you know exactly who you are. Knowing myself and my relationship with my SD, I am nothing remotely close to evil and although I occasionally cringe when I introduce myself as her stepmother (fearing the stigma), it doesn’t hurt my feelings when she opts for other labels of reference like, “other” mother or “bonus” mom.
I think it is worth exploring what terms and labels really mean (by definition), how we interpret their meaning (literally) and what effect they have on our perceptions of one another. From your post and all of the subsequent responses I have read it seems to me that we are all guilty of feeding hurt, animosity and dysfunction from using this type of language. The term “biological” mother means exactly that–biology, meaning a woman who gave birth to a child. Last I checked the act of giving birth did not make any woman a mother by default. A “mother,” by its true definition, is a female who nurtures, protects, and watches over a child with love and tenderness. If we adhere to those definitions, that would make you Jennifer, both a “biological” mother and a “mother.” Conversely, it would make me a mother too! That in itself is something we should all consider.
Hmmmm. It seems like there could be lots of different names for women who nurture, protect and watch over a child with love and tenderness — a woman who does that could be a grandmother, a nanny, a teacher, an older sister, an aunt, a next-door-neighbor… I guess I fall into the camp of thinking that says a woman who gives birth is a mother, and that how loving and close she is with her child doesn’t make her more or less of a mom. She may or may not be very nurturing, but I guess I don’t see “mom” or “dad” as names that are earned.
That said, stepmoms being expected to tone down their love and care and involvement so they don’t make the moms feel threatened really bugs me. I guess I don’t see how a connection with a stepmom could ever take away from the connection the mom has with her child — it seems (to this stepmom at least) that no amount of love from a stepmom could make a child love his or her mom less. For the moms out there, if you suddenly had a stepmother — even if she was perfect — could she take away from your relationship with your own mom? That wouldn’t be the case for me! I’d still love my mom the exact way I do now. Our connection is not about other people — it’s about her and me. No one could take her place, because no one else is her.
As a mom and ex-wife, stepmom, daughter, and adoptee I can assure you nobody can take away any existing relationship that’s healthy and good. Period. I love Jill’s comment “I’d love my mom the exact way I do now”. That applies in all of the possible scenarios. If we’re confident in what we do with children, in the fact that they’ve come first and we’ve attempted to put ourselves in their shoes and remembered as best we can how it feels to be a kid and conducted ourselves accordingly there’s no need to feel threatened by anyone. No parent, step parent, biological parent, mother-in-law (don’t forget them and the connotations of that “label”) foster parent, aunt, uncle, or even teacher can change what is, good or bad. I want the person who’s around my son when I’m not to be good for him, I can deal with the odd pang of jealousy because I know nobody can replace me. If I ever met any bio parents my adoptive parents needn’t worry because no one can take their place. I am not my stepchildren’s mom, they have one and I will always respect their relationship with her out of respect for them. How could I possibly do anything else if I truly love them and their father? We can only control what we do, how we react to the vast amount of situations and personalities that exist in this world of blended families. As Ella Mental said “I can only be accountable and responsible for myself.” I agree at times the high road can sometimes seem “almost out of reach” but it’s always there just waiting to be taken and I guarantee you, it’s well worth the journey!
My initial response was to cringe . . . to my eye and ear the language in the letter from the mother to the stepmother made assumptions, used labels, and came from a defensive place. Not entirely, but enough to make me wonder many things.
First, I wonder if the initial attempts a woman who marries a man with children makes to “fit in” with her new family are misread as trying to take over, trying to manipulate the kids to like her, trying to ____, etc. The first months, or year of a new family are tough and no offense to husbands, the remarried dad doesn’t seem to know how to help his new wife fit in with his kids. So, I think this period sets up a competitive tone . . . assuming there is not a healthy discussion and processing. And, I’d argue, is there EVER? Do couple ever go through the grieving rituals necessary to reach some resolution BEFORE they move on and take new partners?
Second, I wonder why so many assume the newly married couple spends their time dissecting the mother of the children? Not everyone does. Many do not. Many understand there is nothing to be gained by going down that road and that it is disrespectful.
Third, I wonder if demographics are changing things at all. Many of my friends, and now me, remarried and became stepmothers in their 40s. It’s a completely different thing than remarrying in the 20s or 30s. What I see in this breed of stepmom is a person who does not need to be in competition, who respects the mother for her role, and who has had a life that is not defined by being a “mother” to someone else’s children.
Fourth, the business of labels . . . this feels a little like the Republicans versus the Democrats versus the Libertarians, and so on. As soon as we think of ourselves as us versus them, we are set up for polarization. What is bizarre to me is that I think my husband’s ex and I are quite a lot alike and that our values are in line. Of course they are, he chose both of us.
But, what is different is that we have different coping strategies given to us by the very different lives we have lived up to this point. And then, throw in the mix money issues, entitlement, who is loved more, and a few other juicy issues and we’re off into the reptilian-life as described by David Schnarch, in The Passionate Marriage. And, no matter how mad I’ve been at my husband’s ex, I always return to a place of knowing “she’s doing the best she can” and practicing compassion toward her. Always.
Fifth, my “dream” about co-existing in the world with my stepchildren, my husband, his ex-wife, her new partner, etc is that we can all take a step back and see that we are on this road together. Whatever I do will influence how my stepkids feel and behave and will ultimately come back to me in some form or another. And, whatever my stepkids’ mother does will also influence how those kids feel and behave and will ultimately come back to her. We ARE inter-connected and we ARE interdependent. It is tempting to project our feelings of what we would do onto someone else. It is tempting to project our reactions onto another. Our job, as adults who care about caring for the children in our lives is to own our own stuff and carry compassion for the other and to do the best we can.
Finally, I know my husband’s ex likely has all kinds of things to say to me and that her hurt runs deep. But, what I also know is that much of what she thinks is projection, because she does NOT know me. Also, much of what she dumps on me as anger is not about me, it is about her unfinished business with my husband.
The authors here are exceptional and I commend them. However, how will the rest of us absorb the parts of the message that fit into our lives without adding another level and layer of judgment about what we are “not” to the mix of our chaotic and unstable lives? We women judge ourselves enough, more than enough.
Eliabeth,
Wow! I was beginning to think that I was totally alone in my thinking until your comment. No you’re not the only one that didn’t cry over the divorce or break up and never worried about what the ex and his new wife said about her. My son is also a very intelligent, well-rounded, compassionate little boy and to me, that speaks for itself, so who cares what anyone says about me. That being said, he’s not perfect, but what child is? So again, who cares what they say or have said about me. Our child is a reflection of all of us (me, my husband, my ex and his wife) and our parenting skills, not just mine. But this has never been an issue with us because none of us ever made it an issue.
My ex married his wife after knowing her for only 3 months and initially, I had some reservations about her. Not because I didn’t know her, but because he didn’t know her. However, I NEVER allowed that to interfere with our co-parenting relationship. I was going to give her a chance, the benefit of the doubt if you will, until she proved otherwise and she never has proven me otherwise. For the most part, she’s been great to my son and I respect her role as his mother figure in his life. Does she make mistakes? Of course, but so do I and so does my ex and my husband. I don’t doom her to hell every time she makes a mistake and she doesn’t do that to me.
I’m with you, Eliabeth, it’s not that hard at all. It’s all about being in charge of your own emotional baggage. I’ve often encouraged my clients and readers to view the modern (I don’t like the term blended or step either) family as a plane. On the plane is everyone in the modern family; the children (both sets), the ex-spouses and new spouses. It’s not just you, so don’t bring your emotional baggage on the plane. Check it before you board because we ALL have to deal with and are affected by your emotional baggage if you bring it on the plane. Checking your baggage before you board our plane means dealing with your own emotional issues. Meditate, pray, seek out the advice of a good stepfamily therapist. Deal with it on your own because it’s yours to deal with. Don’t make it everyone in the modern family’s problem. For example, I could’ve made my issue everyone’s issue when my ex chose to marry a woman he’d only known for 3 months. I could’ve reacted badly towards her before even giving her a chance. I could’ve tried to treat my son as a pawn because I didn’t agree with my ex’s decision, but I didn’t. Had I done so, our relationships would’ve ended very badly. But I chose to deal with my own baggage and told myself that I can’t judge this woman based on what I THINK might happen, but hasn’t happened yet. By the same token, my ex’s wife has admitted that she was a bit insecure and intimidated by me in the beginning because her husband and I share a history and a child. To her, we were connected in ways that they weren’t. They’d known each other 3 months and we had been apart of each other’s lives for 6 years. But, she dealt with her own emotional baggage. She didn’t make it my problem and she too gave me the benefit of the doubt.
Ex-wives and wives need to learn to be in charge of their own emotional baggage. It’s not your jobs to make each other feel better. It’s your jobs to co-parent together and we can’t do that if we are constantly trying to be each other’s therapist. Don’t allow your hurt or insecurities to interfere with your co-parenting relationships. It’s okay to feel hurt and insecure, but don’t make it everyone else’s problem. Seek the help of a stepfamily therapist to help you deal with your issues before you allow them to creep, no matter how subtle, into your co-parenting relationships.
*Kela*
http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com
Peggy, how painful to have gone through all this during chemo!! I got a bit confused though – are you saying there were two stepmoms that came after you?
Jenna – Thanks! I know what you mean about wanting to shake the other person at times, I suppose it’s only natural. I owe you an email!
Stina – I’m glad it prompted some insights! What in particular made you think? And that’s fine about you posting it on your site, as long as it was credited….
Wednesday – Maybe we’re preaching to the choir – but maybe not! There certainly seems to be strong feelings on either side. As long as folks are willing to consider what the other is saying, then that’s still progress, if you think about the angry, vehement venting out there. I’m heartened by the thoughtful, impassioned responses we’re seeing here and on your blog. Thanks again for your wonderful post!
MaryTKelly – Thank you! I had to read your comment a few times before I got what you were saying… (I think!) Are you saying you take issue with the terms “mother” or “stepmother” because you think they are limiting and ultimately inadequate? Correct me if I’m wrong!
Tina – You must have an interesting perspective, as both aformer stepmom and now divorced mom. And you’re right, I think it’s all too easy for the adults to focus on their own difficult thoughts and feelings and inadvertently drag the kids through the mud, sadly.
Jill – I know not ALL stepmoms talk about the ex-wives, but judging from incoming traffic to this site, there are a TON of stepmoms on message boards who do! It’s difficult to try and address everyone in these situations. Perhaps I’m “aiming” myself in the wrong direction, but I am hoping to reach the women who are in high-conflict situations and give them a new perspective to consider. I know a lot of stepmoms are really taking the high road with their behavior and I commend them for it…. (And I agree on the “bio-mom” moniker – I’ve even seen some stepmoms laughing over the acronym “BM” and something else
that reminds them of. Big sigh….)
Evil Step Mom (not!) – good for you for modeling maturity and self-discipline! You’re helping your stepkids in ways you don’t even realize – and your marriage too. It’s hard when good behavior doesn’t “automatically” generate the same, but at least you can hold your head up high.
Eyes Wide Open (love your blog!) – Sorry, that sounds painful. I would hate to be treated that way. Sometimes I have a very thin skin and that would be hard to ignore. Sometimes the best you can do is just try to make your own world work as best as possible and protect yourself from the hurtful stuff. As for her own awareness that she’s doing something “wrong,” it’s hard to say. But the fact that she’s attempting to snub you shows you she probably feels threatened and anxious on *some* level, you know?
Eliabeth – I’m sure there are other women like you out there, but they seem to be few and far between! Glad to hear it went fairly well and is all in the past.
Sharri – Thanks! Glad it provided some food for thought. And nice, pensive pic!
Kathy – I’ll let MaryT speak for herself, but I actually thought she was saying something inclusive, not negative. MaryT? Your thoughts?
Huda – see above.
And yes, I know many stepmoms absolutely bust their asses to take good care of their stepkids and they have my undying admiration because of it.
Ella Mental – Sometimes the best thing in the face of repeated hurtful and aggressive behavior is to generate rock-solid, clear boundaries, which it sounds like you’re doing. You sound analytical and insightful yourself! Kudos to you for monitoring your behavior and doing your best not to feed the drama. As for as names, we all know they’re loaded. Either one can be used to say you’re better than the other — or worse. And I’m in total agreement that ANY person can fulfill the role of loving mother. It’s the actions that count, not the designation.
Jill – I don’t think stepmoms need to tone down their love and care. I only think they should be accutely aware if they’re actions are motivated by a sense of competitiveness (something both sides are prone to!). And I agree with you, ultimately, about no one being able to replace the mom (even if she was abusive – look at how children still have loyalties to abusive mothers). I was only trying to be honest about *fears* that moms have….
Campbell – What you described is exactly what motivated me to get over my pangs of jealousy with Carol. I wanted my kids to foster a good relationship with her for THEIR SAKE! It was painful at times, but to me, that’s what good mothering is about sometimes. You do the thing that’s inconvenient or uncomfortable because you know it’s the right thing. Not saying it was easy though….
Kim – Wow, thanks for such a thoughtful, measured comment! I agree that some of this language can be read as defensive and not totally “clear.” I was trying to give voice to the most common feelings that moms struggle with, including myself, though those are almost entirely in the past for me. I certainly don’t want to contribute to the same old arguments going back and forth between moms and stepmoms – it was supposed to be more like, here’s what’s going through the minds of many mothers, rational and healthy or not.
Great points about properly grieving to make space for the new relationship. Very important issue that’s often overlooked.
Again, in terms of newly married couples venting about the ex-wife — not all of them do, but it’s common enough that it bears a strong mention. Just hop around on many stepmom forums and you’ll see a real bash-fest. Kind of scary to see as a mom!
I hope you’re right about changing demographics. It sure is a brave new world out there with modern families, huh?
I love what you had to say about being aware of the mom in terms of her issues, fears, our human tendencies towards competitiveness, etc. You’re asking some complicated, but important questions about added pressure to do things a certain way in these relationships. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I’m always interested in new perspectives and exploring together!
As far as gossip and internet posting goes, I think an important idea to explore more is “relational aggression” — on Wikipedia right now it’s described as “a type of aggression in which harm is caused through damage to relationships or social status within a group rather than physical violence” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relational_aggression).
I think talking anonymously on the internet about frustrating situations and feelings is not the same thing as relational aggression. Trying to humiliate a person or turn other people against them through gossip is definitely a harmful action. I’m not sure I’d put venting anonymously in the same category, though, because it is not trying to undermine the other person’s relationships or to humiliate them. I didn’t find it helpful myself in the past (the distant past!) but some people say that it helps them sort out their feelings without taking those feelings out directly on the people they have the strong feelings toward.
Sorry, just a late note to apologize. There were about ten comments that came after Jill’s that were deleted when we switched over to a new server. I did everything I could possibly could (help from our web designer, tech support calls and emails to both hosting companies) and for some reason, they just vanished. If you posted something here and it’s gone, that’s what happened – it wasn’t deleted!
I’m also very sorry because there were some great comments and they contributed to the discussion. Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful contributions and just know there shouldn’t be any more deleted comments.
Cheers,
Jennifer
Hi,
I found this piece hard to read. Not because it is not completely valid and normal that she felt most of these things. But because it suggests way to much tolerance and less just plain understanding. Lets face it. Most of the women who are relating to these topics are in these situations as moms and step moms because that is how our lives have turned out to this point. Instead of pushing negative assumptions and jealousy onto each other we all need to just wake up and realize that in reality raising children is a long road ahead and something to take pride in as a family. That means getting past all the Bull.
I am a stepmom and I know that anytime you come into a situation where two people have become divorced that most likely their are a lot of bruised feelings and anger. If I only went with my husbands feelings I think I would not like my step kids mother nearly as much because my husband definitely does not see her in the best light. But over time that is improving and we are all doing good work for our children. I say it is for OUR CHILDREN because my step kids are small and I have one child I gave birth to with my hubby. I love them all the same and they all call me MOM. But the children know she is their mom. I always tell them about her and help them when they miss her. My kids have visitation with her every other weekend. She and I are working on building a relationship as best we can because we do it for the kids. Reading this definitely helps remind me to always try and remember her feelings because she has started to deal with this all much more gracefully. But, I also have quite a lot of feelings myself because I am a stepmother who has my kids full time and loves them all the same. I never introduce my kids as my stepchildren. Their mother refers to me as mom to the kids. I do not know if anyone else has a situation like this but if anyone does please let me know.
I would like to think that all moms could be able to see past the small stuff and pull together to raise children in a positive coparenting environment in order to see their children become confident, educated, and loving grownups.
I was directed to this site by a stepmom blog which is authored by the new partner of the ex of a good friend of mine. On her blog she often speculates about the motives and behaviour of the “biomum” (she thinks her blog is anonymous, but it’s not). To me, my friend is a marvellous, warm person who loves her children immensely, and has conducted herself throughout the relationship breakdown with almost superhuman dignity. To the stepmom blogger, she is a cardboard cut-out stereotype angy and toxic ex. It angers and saddens me that she has got it so wrong, and I have lain awake nights wondering how (or if) I could possibly get this across to her.
Now that I know she has read Jen’s wonderful piece which communicates what is going through the head of a Mum (NOT Biomum)I feel much better. I hope she takes it on board.
We all are just human beings bumbling along trying to do the best we can.
I know these can be incredibly emotional, highly charged situations, and often seeing the other (stepmom or mum) as a 2 dimensional sterotype seems like the easiest way to deal with it all, but in the long run it’s not going to be helpful.
First of all, let me say this is an awesome piece!
I’m a mom and a stepmom… my natural children are grown and have flown the coop and I’m starting “anew” with 3 beautiful teenagers… However, there is one difference between me and the other “stepmoms” on the block. The “biomom” (and I too hate this term, but in this case she really is ONLY the one who incubated the egg) took off and left my DH with a 3 year old daughter on her birthday, taking with her his two sons and everything they owned. Leaving him stranded with a baby and nothing with which to care for her… thankfully there were many people who helped him to move through that phase with her. For 8 very long and painful years he had no idea where his children were or what was going on with them. During this time he raised a very healthy, happy, well adjusted daughter who just happens to be bi-polar… by himself! What determination and strength that took — one thing that makes me love him all the more. 6 years ago we managed to wrest the boys away from their “bio-mom”, to find that they had been abused, neglected, molested, and starved in her care. Now, due to her action (or lack thereof) these children will NEVER, EVER see her again… *I* am MOM in every sense of the word — I may not have given birth to them, but all three of them call me MOM introduce me as “my mom” and have never referred to me as “other mom”, step-mom or any other term that might indicate I’m not their natural mother. Fine by me… the sooner they forget the hell they went through because of her and with her, the better off they will be. Not all mothers deserve to be called MOM… some don’t even deserve children, because they squander, degrade, and destroy the finest gift ever given them.
I for one don’t like using the terms “bio” or “step” and in my case never do — I am their mother, unless it’s something legal — at which point I’m “stepmother” in the eyes of the law only. In a few months we will begin the adoption process for all three children, making me MOM for real and permanently! What a joyful day that will be — when I can proudly say I’m their MOTHER legally, and effectively cut the negative tumor of a “mother” out of their lives!
I was in a position many years ago to be the stepmom to two beautiful children who were young. Their mother and I agreed that we had to communicate with each other civilly in order to parent the kids as a “team”. This team included me and their “stepdad”. We were united on most things, and those we didn’t agree on we let the “bio parents” talk out and come to an agreement on. Those times were rare… I was on wonderful terms with her, and we discussed everything that involved them, and probably a lot of things that didn’t. Even after he and I split up, she continued to make me part of their lives and involved me in things even when HE remarried again. They are still in my life today through e-mail, text, and phone… they call me by my first name, and when they introduce me, I’m “My friend” instead of my exstepmother or anything at all negative. Conversely, I never got to know my children’s stepmother, because she flat refused to have anything to do with me — then she left marks on my sons arm with her “talons” (3 inch nails with a 2 year old) and I lost it… she never darkened dad’s doorstep again… good thing, I’d have had to take her out if not! It was hard not knowing what was going on with my kids when they were with dad, and not having an “ally” in the house. Now, he and I communicate regularly although the kids are grown, and his current wife is a great person, who was good to my kids when they were with her.
It is so important that good relationships be fostered between the “two moms” so that consistency carries from home to home. The thing that makes watching your kids schlep their stuff from house to house tolerable is knowing that when they are with dad they’re cared for the way YOU would want them to be… not the way YOU WOULD DO IT, because only YOU can do it that way… I see no harm in the new wife forming a good relationship with the children, it only adds to the supports they can draw from when a problem arises…and it’s really a good thing to be able to send them to dads and NOT worry about what happens because you know the person caring for them and you are confident in her ability to be there for your child. When this isn’t possible just do your best to be there for the kids, and never, ever, say anything negative or degrading about their mother within their range of hearing, that only fosters animosity from them and contempt from her.
Wow lots of information.
First I would have to say the section of “I’m scared of my kids loving you. There, I said it.” really hit home for me. Not in the way it was intended either. Years ago my stepdaugthers other mother was a hurtful, abusive and evil influence in her life. Since then and years of counseling they have come to have a mildly decent, but by no means “close”, relationship. They have built up to every other weekend visits. I found this to be the breaking point where I felt the way that paragraph described. Except it’s all backwards and odd. Sometimes I wish I was a normal stepmom with normal stepmom problems because I don’t think there’s anywhere for support for stepmoms like me who raise the child and have the extreme pain when the other mom comes back into the child’s life. We’re expected to pretend they didn’t hurt or walk out on their children and of course they must be the warm and loving person because well they did give birth.
I said “other mom” because for years we’ve all been just saying I was my stepdaughters mom. Not that her other mom wasn’t her mom, she just wasn’t BEING a Mom, or being THERE at times. I was the “acting Mom” just like others’ can be “acting president”. Step just didn’t seem appropriate. That was our family dynamic, that’s what my mothers’ day cards said. I was the doctor visiting, stay home when she’s sick, go to school meetings person. So NOW that other Mom is back in the picture (albeit not often and not with school/doctors etc.) I feel like I’m missing a part of my child’s life when she’s gone for the weekend. Just like the post said, I can’t see what she’s learning, or what’s going on with her. I have this terror that she’ll come back some different person someday (I know it’s unreasonalbe that over 2 days she’d be a different person)
Maybe we should just drop the step bio adoptive foster etc. and just say if you’re raising a child you’re a Mom, you just may not be the only one.
Whether you agree with me or not, if you know of a place for torn up stepmoms like me, let me know.
Having been on both sides of this fence, a divorced mom and a stepmother, I find it interesting that both sides are still somewhat demonizing the other. I feel for the divorced mom and her feelings of sadness and grief at the demise of her marriage, but for the sake of your children suck it up and get over it.
I feel for the stepmom in the jealousy of the ex, the sensitivity to the idea that he had children with this person (perhaps worse if they were planned and you have happy memories of having your own children in your past marriage or if you are both beyond the wanting to have children age since you won’t get that with him), you too need to suck it up and let it go.
Are either of these sides easy, hell no! It’s human to be a bit insecure and jealous and petty, but the fact is that these kids have no part in it. My best advice? Treat your stepchildren as you’d wish someone would treat yours, treat the stepmom the way you would like to be treated and vice versa, respect each others places in the order of things and find some (any!) mutual ground where you can get on with raising these impressionable people that are in the world whether you would have it that way or not. Stop demonizing the exes and their new spouses and the fact that since there are children you will not be able to make a completely clean break, walk away, and never see them again. That ship sailed the day you had them or married into them and that’s just life.
When you decided to give birth to your child(dren) or to marry a man who already had them you no longer have the freedom to be petty, etc. when it affects them. It is no longer your ex-husbands job to deal with all of YOUR insecurities and problems. He’s a father to your children. That does not mean you have a right to lay your issues out unless you are asking for help in the form of him taking custody. If you can’t deal, that’s your problem. Seek help, talk to friends and family (he’s no longer that to YOU) and be a parent.
Stepmoms it’s not an inconvenience to deal with your stepchildren. Yes, so she phoned and asked if you could take the kids on a non-scheduled night because she has a date/manicure/girls night out. So what? What about all of the nights that you and your husband spend together because she has full time custody (if that’s the case). If it’s the reverse, Mom you need to get over it, as well.
Growing up and not acting like a child yourselves would go a heck of a long way to resolving 99% of the conflict in these relationships. Past is past, it can’t be changed, and anyone using children as a weapon should just give the other side custody until you’re adult enough to deal with your own baggage.
I am a mother/stepmom as well, and have just started getting along with my husband’s ex. When I read this, I felt as though it was a personal letter from her to me… and it made me cry! (in a good way…) In addition to the usual issues mothers and stepmothers face, she is Bipolar, and rarely takes her medication. The only time she is pleasant to deal with is when she is pregnant (which she happens to be right now). I have been attempting to patch our relationship while there is a chance, and hoping she will continue to remain civil once her baby is born! To be quite honest, I am a bit scared!
It’s so strange (and sad) that so many others have gone through almost the e.x.a.c.t. same thing our family has. It is difficult, never-ending, and sometimes downright depressing to be the stepmom sometimes! But my stepkids (7 and 5) are so dang cute, I just can’t give up on them! I appreciate this post and will be bookmarking it, so I can read it when I get discouraged.. Thanks so much!