creating joy despite divorced mom/stepmom conflict
I’m sure divorced moms experience this as well, but this complaint seems to be more prevalent among stepmoms, probably because moms hold more power when it comes to their children. Pick a situation, it could be anything: you think things are going well and then you get a nasty email or text telling you how it’s going… [Continue Reading]
(These are excerpts from an article that was originally published in the July 2011 issue of Stepmom Magazine) Stepmoms often feel very alone in their journey, but they’re not. Here are some common thoughts and emotions that stepmoms experience. 1. I FEEL LIKE AN OUTSIDER IN MY OWN HOME: This is one of the worst… [Continue Reading]
For those of you who are having trouble letting go of the stepmom or divorced mom in your life, this is for you. Do you find yourself obsessing about her? Stepmoms, are you feeling the need to show up at every event she’s going to be at so you can “monitor” her behavior? Afraid she’ll… [Continue Reading]
There seems to be an epidemic of stepmoms divorcing. I don’t know the details of every situation, but it’s a pretty good guess that their husbands did not step up and support them. Experts agree that the marriage needs to be the primary relationship. If your husband doesn’t realize this, you have a high chance of… [Continue Reading]
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about generosity. And wishing we could be more generous to each other. Websters defines “generous” as : –adjective 1. liberal in giving or sharing; unselfish: a generous patron of the arts; a generous gift. 2. free from meanness or smallness of mind or character; magnanimous. In the context of these relationships,… [Continue Reading]
There are probably 100 reasons why the most common words out of a stepmom’s mouth are “this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” But why focus on the negative? Here’s a countdown of the top 10 BEST things about being a stepmom! 10. You get to have kids AND keep your kickin’ body. No… [Continue Reading]
(Register for Jenna’s Stepmom Bootcamp!) I took my two big dogs for a walk down at the greenbelt for the first time the other morning. I had to admit, I was nervous. New retractable leash. A German Shepherd (Lucy, almost 12, still going strong) who’s rarely, but nevertheless potentially fearful and aggressive. A Siberian Husky… [Continue Reading]
Last week, I described how my strong sense of self is partly responsible for me surviving my stepfamily journey, sanity intact. The other crucial part of this is my husband’s support. I don’t think men know just how much influence and power they hold. After all, they’re the whole reason we’re here, right? We fell in… [Continue Reading]
The discord in our families is reflective of the discord in ourselves. So when we heal ourselves, we will heal our families. That’s what Jen and I came up with while we were discussing why we’re compelled to do this work. Why we spend hours a week interacting with you on Facebook and in the… [Continue Reading]
On Thursday, Jenna’s post “One woman’s frog is another’s woman’s prince” lit up our blog and Facebook page with massive hits and fascinating feedback. She really struck a nerve. Most of the feedback was from stepmoms, but her post was important for moms to read too. We often forget that the men we divorced can… [Continue Reading]
Happy New Year and farewell to 2010! I am thrilled to introduce a new direction for the new year – a new blogging and workshop partner! Jenna Korf and I have corresponded over the last several years and have finally found a way to work together. She’ll be doing some guest posts here, we’ll try… [Continue Reading]
COACHING NOW AVAILABLE Please check out my new coaching page! You’ll find a variety of coaching options, if you’re interested in getting further support. There’s also a way to sign up for a free mini-session to test drive the car…. Coming this week: FREE DOWNLOADABLE GUIDE Free, in-depth guide on whether to take action on… [Continue Reading]
For a while there, whenever our dual-family family was ironing out some major issues—like which kid was living where, and for how long—we’d have these really intense family meetings. We’d all sit around the kitchen table after dinner, or in the living room, half of us sprawled on the floor… and we’d talk. One of… [Continue Reading]
So far, it’s nowhere near about you to the extent you might think, you’re going to be like a tree on a hill, you have more power than you think you do and it’s good to tend to the good.* On this last day of Thanksgiving week here in the U.S, there’s the post-holiday torpor… [Continue Reading]
One very easy way to increase your feelings of gratitude is to TAKE CARE OF YOUR BLESSINGS. So often, we take for granted the things that are working well and assume they will always be there. Kids that still reach out. A reliable partner. Your job. Your health. The place you live. Your car. Friends… [Continue Reading]
Took a bit of a break here to let the well replenish itself, let the fields lie fallow, let the sediment settle– and any other nature metaphors that might fit. I’m back now and ready to crank up the rusty writing machine and noodle brain…. In the interest of starting a conversation back up with… [Continue Reading]
I’ll be participating in this today — come join us and ask your most pressing questions. The last one was loads of fun and very lively! CLICK HERE TO JOIN IN
Many of you come to this site because you’re looking for information that might give you an advantage with your difficult mom/stepmom relationship. You want something extra to help you create a shift. Movement in the right direction. A breakthrough out of nowhere. You’re the only one who knows what it’s like in your particular… [Continue Reading]
From Chaos to Partnership… The Transformation Lab is a solution-focused, online course designed to move you forward by enriching your understanding of a healthy step-bio relationship. Class begins Tuesday, June 22nd. “This is a really interesting walkthrough; a ten-step plan that’s well thought-out and experience-based. You didn’t invent this problem — you’ve just taken a… [Continue Reading]
(If you’re in the U.S., our show with Dr. Phil will be on as a rerun tomorrow. Tune in if you missed it before!) We’re going to have so much fun, talking to stepmom Becky Lippett from La Belle Mere about how she recently transformed her formerly nerve-wracking relationship with the ex-wife in her life…. [Continue Reading]
Announcing an in-depth course just for stepmoms, a free How Did She Do It? call and no-holds barred videos from Carol and Jen! ** Have you lost your desire to even try anymore with the ex-wife? ** Have you been burned one too many times? ** Have you been drained by the constant stress, anxiety,… [Continue Reading]
This just in! Please help us spread the word! If you’re struggling in your stepfamily (either with your husband or stepchildren–or both) and you’d like to get some help, a major production company in New York is looking for YOU to film a pilot! The show will never be shown to the public and will… [Continue Reading]
What does it look like when the “bio-mom” and stepmom transform the ex-wife/stepmom relationship from hell? Here, we talk to two women who were formerly at war for years, but have suddenly made a breakthrough into a whole, new world of cooperation and promise. Mayra (the mom) and Jesica (the stepmom) from the D.C. area… [Continue Reading]
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were on Oprah today with their children—ALONG WITH HIS EX-WIFE. Fascinating stuff. Will was married to Sheree Zampino for four years (1992-95) and they have a 17 year-old son named Trey. She is now married to former San Diego Chargers player, Pastor Terrell Fletcher. Will and Jada also have… [Continue Reading]
A happy day to all the stepmoms out there! Please know that all your efforts make a difference. All the time and taking care of the stepkids, all the things you remember to do (that others don’t even seem to realize are on the list), all the ways in which you try to be flexible… [Continue Reading]
To ANYONE who takes care of our children, whether you made them or not, I salute you! Thank for all you do for these little beings (and sometimes medium and big ones) who can be moody, uncooperative, whiny, over-sensitive and angry–but also wonderfully innocent, vulnerable, warm, playful, all-accepting, and sweetly kind. Our children need ALL… [Continue Reading]
Most of our readers are stepmoms. This makes sense to me because it’s the stepmoms who are locked out of the house, waiting outside in the snow. The dads have a lot of power, because, hey, these are their kids and they get the final say. And the moms certainly have a lot of power… [Continue Reading]
(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum.) Feeling like there’s an enemy in your midst can be really stressful. This is what a lot of stepmoms and ex-wives that are stuck… [Continue Reading]
(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum. “Since emotional processes can work faster than the mind, it takes a power stronger than the mind to bend perception, override emotional circuitry, and… [Continue Reading]
(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum. One essential element that needs to be in place when you’re dealing with a high-conflict situation—or trying to change it—is self-love. Okay, so the… [Continue Reading]
(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum.) I just got a call from an Oprah producer at Harpo Studios, Heather M.! I had spoken to her right before our book came… [Continue Reading]
(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum. I’ll be part of a panel for StepMom Magazine’s Ask the Expert Day on Facebook this Wednesday. Drop by and join us!) “…An epidemic… [Continue Reading]
Who’s in your extended family? How often do you see them? Who can you call when you’re in a pinch? Most families are spread far and wide these days, so when you need a parent, sibling, grandmother or grandfather to step in, you’re out of luck. But sometimes, the two linked households after a divorce… [Continue Reading]
Every year, I choose a single word for the upcoming year for my resolution, instead of a list of to-do items. This seems to work a lot better than a bunch of “demands,” because that’s what most New Year’s resolutions eventually feel like! You can read more about previous words here…. My word for 2009… [Continue Reading]
(This post originally appeared in a slightly altered version last week, before our host blew up. I’ve revised it and included some important links as well.) It’s a normal human impulse… when you can’t escape ongoing conflict with another person, you often feel compelled to prove who’s more at fault. Surely it can’t be you!… [Continue Reading]
So I have a moment at the end of the Dr. Phil Show that we did a few weeks ago that I’m hoping no one will see, but that my ex-husband David assures me is the one moment they will probably be sure to include (air date: Dec. 1). Great… Just what I wanted to… [Continue Reading]
Fire up your recorders! The show we taped last week in L.A. will be on Tuesday, December 1st. We're on the first half of the show (including David, Carol's husband and my ex – poor guy) and then there's another mom/stepmom/dad combo on during the second half of the show. I had big plans to… [Continue Reading]
It appears that the mom from the mom/stepmom team that was to appear on the show this coming Tuesday has changed her mind. The show would now like to instead focus on taking questions from both moms and stepmoms in the audience, so you're in luck if you live in Los Angeles or close by,… [Continue Reading]
I need your help! Can you help us absolutely plaster the internets with our request? Carol and I have the opportunity to be on the Dr. Phil show next Tuesday and are doing a pre-interview with a producer today. We're looking for two (update: now only one) stepmom/mom sets of women who can't stand each… [Continue Reading]
There's a funny little thing that can happen with people you love that drags the relationship down without you even noticing it – until after the fact. I just came back from visiting my daughter Sophie, who moved out a short time ago into her own cool, little abode with roommates just north of the… [Continue Reading]
Happy Stepfamily Day to all the stepfamilies out there! Being in a stepfamily has its unique challenges, but there are also many opportunities to create new and lasting connections, new opportunities for love and support. Surprising little islands of closeness and intimacy, the chance to really see each other anew. Sure, I hear many stories… [Continue Reading]
Conflict with another person can be so painful… Particularly in these situations where you're so at once intimately tied to another person, and yet, still don't even know them, it's easy to get your feelings hurt. And to feel attacked. Judged. And then, on the heels of hurt feelings — anger and self-defense. If only… [Continue Reading]
I'm joining forces with three other good friends* in the hopes of getting more publicity for blended family and "dual-family" issues, just in time for National Stepfamily Day on Sept. 16th. It's estimated that only 20% of American families are now nuclear families. And stepfamilies have an almost 75% rate of divorce! The single-parent family… [Continue Reading]
Here’s an easy way to know if you’re ever going to break through the impasse with the stepmother or bio-mom. Ask yourself: am I stressed? Does my stress level stay at a pretty consistent level? (Sure, you might also be thinking, Well, it’s because of HER that I’m so stressed, but not so fast, Buster….)… [Continue Reading]
(Sorry for the lack of new content lately – busy trying to get some new projects off the ground. Why do things always take twice as long as we think they're going to?!) Peggy Nolan wrote a great post over at The Step Mom's Toolbox that I'd like to point you to, called "Changing the… [Continue Reading]
Wouldn't it be helpful to have more stories of ex-wives and stepmoms out there, telling the truth about their lives, letting us take a peek inside? Well maybe YOU can tell your story… or eventually just hear some! I just got this very cool invitation from Eve Claxton of StoryCorps (they do the up-close, real-life… [Continue Reading]
I just listened to a really in-depth interview Carol and I did with husband/wife team Phillip and Lisa Mulford over on Communication 360 and I hope you'll give it a listen too. It's raw and emotional and extremely honest. However cringe-y it is to hear your own recorded voice (I always think I sound like… [Continue Reading]
Imagine a medieval battlefield (perhaps you’ve seen Braveheart) where two lone warriors are fighting, wounded and bloody. At some point, they realize the futility of their struggle and know if they don’t stop, one — or more likely, both of them are going to end up dead. Who puts down their weapon first? And THEN… [Continue Reading]
Check out our latest coverage from The Huffington Post in an article called "Stepmothers, Mothers, and the 'B' Word" and the longest interview we've done yet — in Austin's own LiveMom, a great resource for local stepmoms and moms! We'll be taping an extended interview about ex-wife/stepmother issues with Communication 360 early tomorrow morning, so… [Continue Reading]
Here’s a crazy image for you: picture a hay wagon, careening along a bumpy road, strewing bits and pieces of straw in its wake. On one side of the truck, you have a stepfamily — the father and stepmother tersely yelling at each other to hang on tight and make sure Little Timmy doesn’t go… [Continue Reading]
If you're planning on attending our free support group to create stepmom/mom partnership Tuesday at 7:30, please note, the location is incorrectly listed in the Austin Chronicle. It's at Central Market Cafe (north location, off 38th St.) and not at BookPeople, like our previous meetings. There was something about having to slip behind an author… [Continue Reading]
I was recently asked to review a fascinating novel that got me to thinking about some of the powerful, unspoken issues that create tension and conflict between moms and stepmoms. It's called “The Unit” and was written by Swedish writer Ninni Holmqvist. The set-up: when men and women reach a certain age (60 and 50)… [Continue Reading]
(Angelina Eberly* / photo by Alan P. Van Dyke) 1. While our overall divorce rate has dropped down to 49%, a staggering 75% of remarriages involving children end in divorce. 2. Moms and stepmoms are desperate to escape the feeling that a perfect stranger is constantly trying to undermine them. Who IS this person, really?… [Continue Reading]
There's a short, but powerful post up at Becoming a Stepmom, by Jacquelyn Fletcher. She talks about the loss of control after a divorce and remarriage that everyone feels, no exceptions. And it's that loss of control that leads to fear, which can then lead to anger, which spills over into bad behavior and a… [Continue Reading]
Still struggling with the "other woman" in your life? Join the club! We're (Carol and I) hosting another free meeting in Austin, TX tonight to help moms and stepmoms better understand each other and create the beginnings of a parenting partnership (yes, it is actually possible!). We get along great now, but when we first… [Continue Reading]
Don't you love it when you stumble upon something new online that sucks you in right away? Hop on over to With Eyes Wide Open, a new blog started by a stepmom who's trying to get her bearings after marrying only last month (though they've been together for five years). You'll see her wondering what… [Continue Reading]
Yes, you too could be a winnah!You've still got time to sign up for our mailing list and be entered into today's raffle. We'll also do one last drawing on Monday (everyone needs a little extra happiness on Mondays, right?). The mailing list may be used for announcements and new content that's not on the… [Continue Reading]
(If you missed Part One, it’s here.) The stepmother clicked the button to end the call before it started ringing. Then she took a deep breath and began to dial again. She stopped halfway, remembering some of the worst verbal insults that had made their way back to her, some of the angry and hateful… [Continue Reading]
Once upon a time, there was a mom and stepmom, stuck with each other in their lives, like a splinter in their thumb that couldn’t be removed. Thumbs get used a lot, so this was a bad thing, this constant, wincing reminder of the splinter as they went about their days. It was a pretty… [Continue Reading]
Welcome to our first guest post! It's by Katherine Shirek Doughtie, one of the co-authors of a "sister" site, the fabulous, but sadly currently dormant The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange — which is also about creating cooperative mom/stepmom relationships. (Katherine is the mom and Jill Doughtie is the stepmom.) The post is actually a… [Continue Reading]
You know those people you talk to on the phone that you've never met before—and in the very first few seconds, you hit it off? Peggy Nolan is one of those people. I've been intrigued by a wonderfully stubborn optimism evident in her writing on The Step Moms Toolbox and decided to dig a little… [Continue Reading]
Like a little gremlin that escaped from the attic, our book is officially out there in the world! If you'd like to help us obsess over our Amazon status on this holiest of launch days and reach Bestseller status (however briefly!), you can buy the book at Amazon. Just some of what you’ll find inside… [Continue Reading]
No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for Mothers and Stepmothers is a revolutionary, new approach to diffusing the traditional animosity between moms and stepmoms — and creating a brand, new version of an extended family that’s healthier and happier. If you’re ready to move forward and are curious about how to start resolving some… [Continue Reading]
One of the weirdest things I’ve ever had to do was something I did while I was writing this book on creating mother/stepmother harmony last year. As some of you may or may not know, Carol’s an artist (a very busy, successful one). We collaborated on the outline and topics for the book. And I… [Continue Reading]
Here's a really cool idea, courtesy The Step Mom's Toolbox: on Mother's Day (Sunday, May 10th), send a card to the "other woman." Meaning, if you're the mom—send a card to the stepmom. And if you're the stepmom—send one to the mom. Madness, isn't it? Peg Nolan of The Stepmom's Toolbox is challenging 5,000 women… [Continue Reading]
Woohoo! The illustrious Washington Post is interested in covering our upcoming book, "No One's the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for Mothers and Stepmothers" (Globe Pequot, 2009), due out May 5th. They're looking to interview a mom and stepmom that actually have a fairly cooperative relationship (not perfect, just… workable!). Do you know of anyone who… [Continue Reading]
Sometimes I struggle with tone on this blog. I want so much to inspire people – to show them a different vision of what’s possible between families (originally I typed “bision” instead of “vision” which reminded me of “bison,” but I’m not up much on buffalo, so clearly, that wouldn’t have worked) after a divorce…. [Continue Reading]
What are some examples of celebrities that have gotten divorced, remarried, and then created a brand new extended family that works? Here's what Rumer Willis, daughter of actors Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, said about her father and step-father Ashton Kutcher in Us Magazine… "We all have so much fun together. I’m so lucky," she… [Continue Reading]
(Here’s a little experiment to try this week….) Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -Philo If you’re wanting to create a friendlier relationship with the mom or stepmom and aren’t sure where to start, first, consider doing something simple and stopping any subtly combative behavior. Is your voice tight when… [Continue Reading]
Gratitude has been on my mind a lot lately this past week. Two Sundays ago, there was a large fire (1200 acres) out in the nearby town where David and Carol (my ex and the girls' stepmom) recently moved. It was only a few miles from their new house and we spent some harrowing moments… [Continue Reading]
It's all too easy to focus on the problems in your family, whether you're a stepmom unhappy with the bio-mom, a single mom who wishes the stepmom wasn't in the picture, or an ex-wife who's remarried and still struggling with the reality of "two" families. But it's all still a matter of focus… Where are… [Continue Reading]
Wow, I have a great new site to recommend and it makes me wonder why no one thought of this sooner! Please stop by The Stepfamily Letter Project and read a few anonymous letters — kinda like a longer version of Found, or Postsecret. They're written by stepkids, moms, husbands, and of course, stepmoms, and… [Continue Reading]
So what if you extended yourself with the mom or stepmom and it went poorly? What if you reached out to her and she screwed you? Or you were just going about your business when you suddenly realized, Whoa! That is totally unfair? Happens to all of us. Stepmom/mom scenarios are rife with little exploded… [Continue Reading]
Some early Thanksgiving quotes for you, courtesy of Interlude Retreat's Thought of the Day archive, since we'll be out of town. May you feel blessed by abundance and realize all the many, many ways in which you are truly lucky! To have courage for whatever comes in life – everything lies in that. -Saint Teresa… [Continue Reading]
The ironic thing about working on your relationship with the mom or stepmom in your life is that the harder you're working at improving things between you, the less outside support you have. Just when you need it most, the cheerleaders have vacated the sidelines and are already waiting in their cars to exit the… [Continue Reading]
We get the periodical request for private help by email, and upon rare occasions, a lively rant. But what we really love are comments! When a post generates lots of activity, it's great to see what everyone's thinking, what their own personal take is on an issue, even if folks disagree. Sometimes, especially when folks… [Continue Reading]
Sure, many mothers and stepmothers may not get along well, but they've got one very important thing in common. Neither one of them is ever going to be the "nuclear wife” in a family made up of Mom, Dad and the little ones. Perhaps an acknowledgment of the challenges and heartache associated with this fact… [Continue Reading]
New, long post coming tomorrow. For now, here are a few quotes I like: What is important is not what hurts and pleases, but to see what is true. And then that truth will operate, not you.-Krishnamurti He who fears he shall sufferalready suffers what he fears.-Montaigne It is not the perfect, but the imperfect… [Continue Reading]
A weird thing happened on my way to a new post…. I thought I'd peruse a few blogs on our link list and see what folks have been up to so I could point readers in an interesting direction (kind of the lazy way to generate content, but sometimes, that's all you got). My first… [Continue Reading]
There's a fascinating discussion taking place over on the Doughtie Houses Exchange (DHX) site about the weird feelings both mother and stepmothers struggle with when the children bond with the stepmother (up to 65 comments so far!). In "Other Women's Children," mom Kathy Shirek Doughtie talks about bonding with her new step-son and whether it's… [Continue Reading]
Hi all! You'll be seeing and hearing a lot more from me, now that the first draft of the book is done! I inished Saturday, and am taking a few days off to get some distance before I jump back in for revisions. We had an amazing team of twenty-three reviewers helping us (friends, family,… [Continue Reading]
Man…. Have you ever just gotten to a point with the mom or stepmom where you're about to tear your hair out? Or you feel like you're melting into a tiny, hopeless, muddy puddle? Or like you're going to catch the curtains on fire through the sheer power of your anger alone? The chapter we're… [Continue Reading]
Where should we draw the line with our links? This is a question Carol and I found ourselves discussing in-depth the other day, after a recent event that I can’t discuss publicly. It certainly led to some tricky questions for us, without clear-cut answers. Such as… To what extent are we responsible for the content… [Continue Reading]
Need an hour of brainstorming and support?
Like our book? Has it given you some new weapons tools for your blended-family arsenal? Made you think? Prompted you to action? Created an actual change in your life for the better? Leave a comment on Amazon saying so and win an hour-long phone consultation with Jennifer Newcomb Marine (that would be… me) to troubleshoot… [Continue Reading]