No One's The Bitch » mother

Who are you and what do you want?

Jennifer — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 00:22:02 +0000

Took a bit of a break here to let the well replenish itself, let the fields lie fallow, let the sediment settle– and any other nature metaphors that might fit. I’m back now and ready to crank up the rusty writing machine and noodle brain….

In the interest of starting a conversation back up with all of you, I’d love to hear from you!

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(photo credit: johnnyberg from www.sxc.hu)

Which boat are you in?

Jennifer — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 01:07:08 +0000

Many of you come to this site because you’re looking for information that might give you an advantage with your difficult mom/stepmom relationship.

You want something extra to help you create a shift. Movement in the right direction. A breakthrough out of nowhere.

You’re the only one who knows what it’s like in your particular situation.

If you’re like most people though, you’ve got a razor-sharp sense of how things stack up on the scoreboard. Who’s done what to whom. How you were justified in reacting to various offenses.

But what about when it comes to the potential for real change — how do you know what to do? Which direction to go?

There are two possible boats you might be in if you’re struggling with the stepmom or ex-wife. So I’ll ask you:

Is this woman crazy and dangerous?

Or is she normal enough that you might one day get somewhere?

Which boat do think you’re in?

The one where you’re both basically “normal,” but having a hard time?

Or the one where she’s damaging the kids because she’s abusing drugs or alcohol, compulsively lies, maybe has a diagnosable personality disorder, and is actively alienating the children from you, even though it’s destroying them in the process?

Sounds obvious enough, right?

But here’s where this gets tricky.

When people attack us, when they hurt our feelings, snub us, do things that piss us off, when they do something with the kids that we strongly disagree with, we almost always put them in the second boat.

We are appalled at their flaws and issues, their behavior. We are offended. The reason they’re capable of acting the way they are must be because there’s something seriously wrong with them. They’ve got major problems.

And sometimes, this is true.

But sometimes… it’s not.

A little story for you.

In the brilliant book, “The Anatomy of Peace,” an Arab and a Jew lead a weekend workshop for the parents of troubled teens who are off on a wilderness retreat.

Yusef, who’s Arab, tells a tale from when he was young and earning a living, begging from Westerners on the streets of Bethlehem. He knew an elderly, blind Jewish beggar named Mordecai from working the same beat.

One day, Mordecai fell and spread his donated coins all over the ground. Not only was he struggling to stand up, his days’ earnings were everywhere.

Yusef’s first impulse was to help Mordecai get up and retrieve his coins.

But in an instant, without even being conscious of it, Yusef thought of all the injustices that the Jews had committed against his people; how angry, bitter and put upon he felt by these circumstances; this choice he had to make.

Instead of helping Mordecai, he quickly walked away.

Not only did Yusef do something unkind, he also betrayed himself in that moment.

He went against what he himself thought was the right thing to do.

Immediately after betraying himself, his mind turned to making Mordecai wrong. Making the situation wrong. Making the pressure he felt to help wrong and unfair.

In less than a second, Mordecai became the enemy.

Do you see how Yusef couldn’t, from that frame of mind, be able to accurately tell which boat Mordecai might be in (friend or foe) to save his life?

Same thing for us when we don’t do a brutally honest, slow-motion replay after a conflict-filled event.

When we can’t tease out our feelings of superiority, self-righteousness, our vindictiveness, our desire to get sympathy from others over our hardships, we lose our mental clarity.

We lose our compassion.

We lose any sense of responsibility.

We turn living, breathing people into objects.

What fascinates me is that millisecond of self-betrayal.

The self-betrayal comes first, then all else just “seems” to automatically follow….

We don’t even realize it’s happened!

We want to get along with the other woman, sometimes from just wanting less stress, more peace, cooperation, etc.

And deep inside us all, we know that our choices, our actions, our conflict-filled relationships after divorce actually hurt and frighten our children.

This knowledge tugs at our hearts and keeps us up at night.

But… something “goes wrong” again with the stepmom or ex-wife, we betray ourselves, and off she goes into the Crazy boat, even if she doesn’t belong there.

So how do you know when she does?

For one thing, it’s strikingly clear. You know it in your gut in no uncertain terms. This feeling is consistent from day-to-day. It never goes away. Those are the special circumstances that need to be taken seriously and managed with professional resources.

The Crazy boat requires stronger boundaries so you can protect your children and step-children. Maybe later, you can lower those boundaries. Maybe not.

The Normal boat is where things actually have the potential to change.

As a human being that’s a constant work in progress, I commit acts of self-betrayal on a daily basis.

How about you?

(Did you know it’s actually possible to create peace no matter which boat she’s in with our new 6-wk. course just for stepmoms? It’s true! Check it out….)

Could you SPEAK to the ex-wives of America?!

Jennifer — Mon, 17 May 2010 23:40:48 +0000

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were on Oprah today with their children—ALONG WITH HIS EX-WIFE.

Fascinating stuff.

Will was married to Sheree Zampino for four years (1992-95) and they have a 17 year-old son named Trey. She is now married to former San Diego Chargers player, Pastor Terrell Fletcher. Will and Jada also have two children, actor Jaden (11) and singer Willow (10).

Oprah: …And speaking of extended family, everybody’s here. Both grandmothers are here—

Jada: Yep, we got Kyle, my brother; we got Sheree, that’s Trey’s mama… and her husband, Pastor Terrell.

Oprah: And so, obviously—obviously, everybody gets along and you all made a conscious effort for that to happen.

Will: Absolutely.

Oprah: Especially when there has been a previous relationship and a child….

Jada: Yep—

Oprah: Why did you make that decision? We’ve talked about this before, I think this is powerful—

Jada: Well, actually Sheree and I both had to make that decision, because at the end of the day… we had Trey. And that had to be the primary focus, our primary, uh… you know, just: what does HE need? And so we had to put aside our own craziness—

Oprah: Your stuff—

Jada: Our stuff, and you know, all the baggage that comes with it. And she and I just had to focus on, what does he need.

Oprah: (to Sheree): Was there a talk about that?

Jada: Oh… we had plenty. (She and Sheree laugh, Sheree nods.)

Sheree: We did, we did… It took—it took a minute, but we got it. And we realized (gesturing to she and Will, smiling), we had our chance. Now it’s about these kids.

Jada: Right, right….

Oprah: (to Will): Could you speak to the ex-wives of America and tell them that?

(general laughing)

Jada: You know, I wish! And oftentimes—

Oprah: ‘Cause so many people are holding on to “what could have been….”

Jada: And the thing about it is, (simultaneously with Oprah:) the kids suffer.

Oprah: Yes. Yes—

Jada: And at the end of the day, it’s like… we have to let go of our own selfish desires, our own selfish needs and we have to look: What? What can we do to facilitate the group? And what can we do to facilitate the children, who—ultimately—they’re our future!

Oprah: They’re your future….

(Sheree nods vigorously.)

I know for many stepmoms here, I’m preaching to the choir. You’ve TRIED to make it better with the bio-mom and have been rebuffed more times than you care to count. Or maybe you’ve just stopped trying.

Or maybe you’re a mom and feel like you’re forever dealing with a stepmom who seems bent on outshining you in the motherhood department. Fun, huh?

Either way, notice Jada’s emphasis on how it was a decision both she and Sheree made to work together.

And most importantly, please note her admission that there’s baggage and “stuff” on both sides, but they each found a way to operate from a higher sense of purpose.

The kids’ well-being.

Your thoughts?

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Happy Mother’s Day!

Jennifer — Sun, 09 May 2010 02:47:09 +0000

To ANYONE who takes care of our children, whether you made them or not, I salute you! Thank for all you do for these little beings (and sometimes medium and big ones) who can be moody, uncooperative, whiny, over-sensitive and angry–but also wonderfully innocent, vulnerable, warm, playful, all-accepting, and sweetly kind.

Our children need ALL of us!

They need as many adults to love them as possible and one of the most generous things we can ever do for THEM is to make room in their lives for others as well.

I hope it’s a day of recognition for you, whether stepmother or mother, but if not, please make sure to acknowledge yourself. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back, feel appreciation for yourself, and soak up some loving kindness beamed inwards!

Parenting is a tough job, no matter who’s doing it. But our consistent and selfless efforts make all the difference in the world to the children that evoke our tender hearts….

Much love to all….

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Taming the cobra – Part 2

Jennifer — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 05:01:24 +0000

(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum.

“Since emotional processes can work faster than the mind, it takes a power stronger than the mind to bend perception, override emotional circuitry, and provide us with intuitive feeling instead. It takes the power of the heart.”

-Doc Childre, Founder, Institute of HeartMath

I talked about the importance of increasing your self-esteem in Part 1 of this series. Here’s a simple little exercise you can do whenever something–or more accurately–someone throws you off balance and you need to increase your self-confidence. Instead of relying on things improving with the other person first to make you feel better, take back the control for how you feel and give yourself the validation and support you’re seeking

Ready?

It goes like this….

Find someplace quiet that you can sit for a few minutes.
It doesn’t have to be noise-free, but it would be helpful if you felt comfortable enough to close your eyes and breathe deeply. Barring all else, head off to the restroom.

Take three deep breaths, making sure to exhale fully between breaths.
If you really push the air out with your muscles, a deep intake is easier.

Focus your attention on your heart.
Imagine that you are able to breathe in and out from your heart. This often has the effect of instantly relaxing you.

Find something, someone or a situation to appreciate.
Make this easy! If you love touching a beloved pet, then use that. Maybe it’s a sunny day where you’re outside. Perhaps it’s laughing with friends. Whatever you choose, make it something guilt-free and uncomplicated.

Imagine, first, thoughts of appreciation… and then let those thoughts grow into actual feelings of appreciation.
Think of all the ways you’re grateful to this thing, person or situation and let your feelings of gratitude and appreciation increase, let them snowball, let them build in intensity. Let the feelings of appreciation fill you up completely with lightness and joy. Just keep breathing in and strengthening the feeling.

When you feel nice and full of appreciation, direct your attention to appreciating yourself.
Appreciate yourself for who you are, for simply being alive. There’s nothing to prove, nothing to do, nothing to fix. Simply be… and appreciate yourself!

This exercise can take a little getting used to at first. You may find pockets of inner resistance here and there, or just generally feel awkward and weird, even sheepish. But if you stick with it, you’ll find a wonderfully healing inner warmth and deliciousness that’s available whenever you need it.

Spend a few minutes luxuriating in the feeling of loving yourself, of accepting and appreciating yourself.
For some people, this experience feels like some kind of miracle. It’s like the feeling you get when you’re in love, or when your children or family members look at you adoringly, and yet nothing has had to happen for you to feel this way. You’re doing all this yourself, by focusing your attention deliberately.

If you like, you can ask your higher self for guidance on how to handle any challenges you are currently facing and see if wisdom or suggestions come to you.
This may not come as a booming, clear voice — it could be a phrase, or a few words. Or… thoughts or ideas may come to you later on during the day.

When you’re ready, bring your attention back to the current moment and the physical space you are in.

Use as needed!

You can even touch base with your heart in a general way throughout the day as an emotional touchstone and get a little boost of calm.

More centering techniques coming on Wednesday in Part 3 of Taming the cobra. Part 1 is here.

If you’d like to read more about heart-oriented meditations, check out “The HeartMath Solution: The Institute of HeartMath’s Revolutionary Program for Engaging the Power of the Heart’s Intelligence.”

Our book No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship is a hands-on manual designed to help you navigate some really strange, disorienting territory. Get your bearings, learn tips and tricks for diffusing conflict and creating cooperation, and create inner peace no matter what. Coming this month! A beta version of a brand new, in-depth, stepmom/mom transformation course… and details on private consultations.

Need an hour of brainstorming and support?

Jennifer — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 14:11:32 +0000

Like our book? Has it given you some new ~~weapons~~ tools for your blended-family arsenal? Made you think? Prompted you to action? Created an actual change in your life for the better? Leave a comment on Amazon saying so and win an hour-long phone consultation with Jennifer Newcomb Marine (that would be… me) to troubleshoot and improve your stepmom/mom relationship.

Comments are one of the biggest factors in whether a potential reader decides to buy our book online or not. We'd like to get those numbers up, so if you help us, I'll help you!

During our consultation, we'll talk about where you are with the other woman right now, what's bothering you the most, and three steps you can take to get things moving in the right direction. We'll get your brain cranking and those sticky emotions moving and if the car is stuck, we'll push it to the crest of the hill together (make sure the brakes are working first!).

I'll be randomly picking three winners, but I'll also be looking for comments that are:

honest
personal
specific
bonus points for funny

You have to have an Amazon account to post, but you don't have to have purchased the book through Amazon.

Just drop me a line at marine2marine (at sign) gmail (dot) com letting me know you left a comment and I'll let winners know by email on August 15 (or earlier, if you're just so amazingly brilliant that I can't wait).

Thanks!

Also, be sure to tune in to Communication 360 on Monday for our interview, with extra-special weepiness!

The power of being naked

Jennifer — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:23:50 +0000

Imagine a medieval battlefield (perhaps you’ve seen Braveheart) where two lone warriors are fighting, wounded and bloody. At some point, they realize the futility of their struggle and know if they don’t stop, one — or more likely, both of them are going to end up dead.

Who puts down their weapon first?

And THEN what happens?

There’s a certain kind of surrender, combined with both integrity and a certain kind of strength, that we all recognize from the movies.

You know what I mean, right?

If one side’s got ulterior motives, the two men are apt to end up fighting again in an instant.

When you begin to work on forming a bridge to the stepmom or mom, you cannot have a knife hiding behind your back. Or a sword by your leg. You can’t have a shield covering your chest either.

This isn’t the same thing as giving up the will to live and letting the other side do what it wants!

When you “try” with the mom and stepmom and it doesn’t work, because “it never works,” to what extent are you truly laying down your weapons?

When you argue with your partner or a family member, do broken-record arguments ever get resolved by defending your same old position… or through the awesome power of a genuinely “soft” heart?

We can all tell the difference when someone is “trying” because they’re trying to show us up…

and when they’re really trying.

Latest press and new projects

Jennifer — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:36:41 +0000

Check out our latest coverage from The Huffington Post in an article called "Stepmothers, Mothers, and the 'B' Word" and the longest interview we've done yet — in Austin's own LiveMom, a great resource for local stepmoms and moms!

We'll be taping an extended interview about ex-wife/stepmother issues with Communication 360 early tomorrow morning, so maybe we should start the coffee pot now (and we don't even drink coffee).

The show is hosted by a husband and wife team, Lisa and Phil Mulford, who focus on conflict resolution for tough issues. Phil is a practicing attorney and divorce mediator who has successfully mediated hundreds of divorces. We're looking forward to this, since they've already let us know they want to deal with the more emotional aspects of the mom/stepmom relationship. I'll post a link once the interview is up.

We've got several new projects in the works and would love your feedback about what you'd like to see or any extra-rascal-y questions you'd like to have answered.

Coming up:

"No One's the Bitch" book-sets, with a book for each of you, and gift card and guidance on a potential card script for the "other woman", inviting her participation
tele-classes (with Carol and Jennifer) on on how to resolve specific challenges between stepmoms and moms, including free calls
tele-seminars (with Carol and Jennifer) on how to implement the steps outlined in the book (4- and 10-week series). We will be offering an ongoing 2-for-1 special on these, so bring the mom or stepmom in your life, and one of you is free!
parenting support in the form of an excellent online curriculum, soon-to-be announced
one-on-one coaching opportunities

Also, look for a new video series featuring Carol and I in her forested backyard, talking about some of the most frequently-asked questions we get about the book. We taped something last night that was a total blast (lots of mosquito-scratching, very telegenic), but the cicadas were so loud they drowned us out! We'll try again and hopefully upload this week.

I'm also researching online programs for divorce prevention, so if there's anything you'd highly recommend, will you please let me know at marine2marine (at sign) gmail (dot) com? Thanks!

A Rant: Painting the New American Family Landscape

Jennifer — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 20:15:47 +0000

Here’s a crazy image for you: picture a hay wagon, careening along a bumpy road, strewing bits and pieces of straw in its wake. On one side of the truck, you have a stepfamily — the father and stepmother tersely yelling at each other to hang on tight and make sure Little Timmy doesn’t go flying off the side into a ditch. Starboard, you’ve got a single mom and her younger son, also hanging on for dear life; tense, tired and hoarse from raising their voices over the engine.

Behind them is a reporter; running, wincing from the dust, aware of the jiggling pen coming untucked from behind his ear. And since this is the 21st century, he’s also got his iPod and snazzy, digital MP3 recorder tucked into a messenger bag slung over his shoulder, along with a laptop that damn, sure could stand to be lighter.

Like I said, he’s running, but he’s not running fast.

His brain is used to instantly calculating the loose cost/benefit equation of deadlines, pay, and expendable energy, which often saps his motivation. He’s not too eager to get close to the squabbling, drama-filled mess that is the two “families” on the squeaky truck — and he needs to pace himself anyway, if he’s going to be stuck covering them over the long haul.

Sadly, if the reporter could just muster the oomph for a temporary sprint, he’d actually find one, two, or even three adults eager to extend a hand and help pull him up onto the hay wagon.

There, he could catch his breath, take a rest, and lo and behold… find out what the hell is going on with these people — because these people represent the average American family — and he represents the mainstream media.

The mainstream media is totally clueless about American families today.

Make that Western families in general.

Can you say 15 years behind? I know I can.

Check it out (regular readers may have heard some of these before):

Only 20% of American families today are nuclear families. Twenty percent.
Up to 1300 stepfamilies form EVERY DAY in the U.S.
75% of remarriages involving children end in divorce. Three out of four.
46 out of every 100 marriages today is a remarriage for one or both partners.
By 2010 (or 2012), there will officially be more stepfamilies than any other kind of family. Actually, the Census Bureau doesn’t count a stepfamily if it’s not the primary residence for the child. They also don’t count unmarried stepfamilies — so you do the math and tell me whether we need to wait until 2010 for that elusive tipping point.

We are at a crisis point in American families.

We are in dire need of catching up on the family development timeline, to where we actually ARE on the spectrum. Sure, we’ve all got the divorce meme down. We all know about the hassles and heartache of nasty custody battles, child support and visitation issues, vindictive exes, the damage done to kids, etc.

But what about what comes AFTER?

What haven’t we caught up to is the fact that the majority of us are living the next step — which is a sea of stepfamilies and single-parent families. You’re either in a stepfamily, or you’re dealing with one on the periphery, because your children are part of a stepfamily

Why aren’t we talking about THAT?

Who’s weaving the big picture together and spitting it back out for us so that we all GET IT?

Take a look online and you have these isolated groups of voices, these vortexes of energy, struggle, and yet communal generosity, with folks doing their best to solve some pretty overwhelming problems. There are the divorced dads. The first wives clubs. The stepmoms.

And, oh yeah — the kids. Forgot about them….

But no one is saying, Whoa, everything is changed now! We’ve got a totally different family paradigm!

And a new paradigm means that a completely new perspective is required, with a collective understanding of the now common, average problems and challenges for most families — and some ideas for how to succeed and still create love, support, and a solid foundation of emotional health.

For example….

Stepmothers
If stepfamilies are now the predominant family unit, why are there no stepmom magazines out there? This is insane! We have scores of major magazines for working women, working mothers, glamorous women, athletic women, feminist women, stay-at-home moms, single women, teens. Where are all the magazines for the stepmoms?

StepMom Magazine is excellent and yet can only be found online, which is a total insult. Why isn’t Hearst, Time-Warner or Conde Nast approaching them and scooping up what could only be seen as, if nothing else, a great financial opportunity?

Where are all the articles helping the moms to deal with the stepmoms? With an extra-tricky marriage? Where’s the parenting help? (Positive Parenting Solutions is a recent find and is a highly recommended, clear overview of the basics, perfect for all the adults.)

There’s still an amazing amount of stigma attached to being a stepmom, there’s too much disrespect, too much too much confusion about their role.

Moms
And moms need more support to understand why they feel and behave the way they do — which is one big reason there’s so much animosity between moms and stepmoms, and even the two exes.

I asked the stepmothers at our support group the other night a question: How would you feel if you had to share your husband with another woman every other weekend? It was someone he really loved and hey, they still had close ties and of course, he had chosen you as his wife, so there shouldn’t be a problem, right?

Wouldn’t you feel horribly insecure? Wouldn’t you feel hurt and angry and weirded out? Wouldn’t you worry that another person in the picture would shine a light on all your flaws and shortcomings and take your partner away from you, even if subtly?

It’s the same gut feeling that moms have about their children. Bizarre analogy perhaps, but just as primal, just as fraught and difficult.

Dads
Where are all the websites for the dads, helping them figure out how to deal with demands from two different women, while being stuck in the middle with their kids too?

So many stepmoms complain about their husbands not backing them up when it comes to discipline. She wants order because she has every right to expect consistency and peace in her home. But if he helps impose the order she’s asking for, then he implicitly feels like he’s taking sides between her or his kids — and there’s already a ton of guilt there about the divorce. He ends up being wishy-washy so he doesn’t feel like he’s betraying his own children, but then inadvertently puts his second marriage in peril.

Stepdads
Like the stepmother/father relationship, the stepfather also has to sidestep volatile, open-ended questions, such as the primacy of the marriage versus the mother’s loyalty to her children, issues of authority and influence, a potential for built-in rejection from the stepkids, and financial muddy waters.

Stepfathers are often the silent players in a stepfamily, since most of the focus seems to be on the two women or the two exes. They’re often left to fend for themselves or expected to just go with the flow, since they’re not the “real fathers.”

Kids
And where are all the books helping stepchildren figure out how to navigate this brave new world of divorce and remarriage? Sure, there are a few books out there if you dig around, but why don’t we know of any famous titles off the top of our heads?

It’s criminal, but I can’t think of one single web site for kids dedicated to helping them move through these issues — with going back and forth from house to house, with different rules and consequences, with powerful undercurrents of simmering resentment and victimhood between the adults.

How many kids and teens are out there, burdened by the illogical, but nevertheless pervasive and crippling, subconscious assumption that the divorce was still somehow their fault? They helplessly absorb the conflict between households and in the process, absolutely pulverize their own hopes for a happy marriage and family life, later on.

So why does it matter so much that our culture hasn’t caught up to the current reality of family life?

Because people are not getting the help they need, that’s why!

It matters because huge numbers of people are unnecessarily suffering. It matters because we could be heading off a lot o

f these problems at the pass with more information, education and the next generation of tools for conflict resolution.

We need to bring all the separate pieces of this new American family to the table, so that we begin to comprehend the concerns, fears and needs of each other.

It’s like we’re all still stuck in the 50’s, where nobody talks about how alcoholism and how its actually a destructive, shameful force-field in a family that destroys love, trust, security and the day-to-day connections that sustain intimacy. Family members think it’s all their fault that they’re miserable and can’t figure out how to make things work better… when in fact, they’re wrong.

We can undo some of the damage of divorce — and heal ourselves and our children. Families need all the help they can get today to not only survive, but thrive.

Can’t we help them do it?

I challenge anyone with the power to shape our collective consciousness to raise awareness over this lapse in our understanding. To get the word out. To paint the big picture. To get the cart rolling and the horse moving.

Oprah, are you listening?

Or The New York Times?

Michelle Obama?

Somebody? Anybody?

Help that reporter hop onto the truck.

And give a kid a chance to have his or her own version of a happy nuclear family when they grow up, twenty years from now.

Tuesday's meeting: Central Market, NOT BookPeople!

Jennifer — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 14:20:54 +0000

If you're planning on attending our free support group to create stepmom/mom partnership Tuesday at 7:30, please note, the location is incorrectly listed in the Austin Chronicle. It's at Central Market Cafe (north location, off 38th St.) and not at BookPeople, like our previous meetings.

There was something about having to slip behind an author signing to creep up the stairs behind the curtain that wasn't working…. Hmmmmm. Can't imagine what the problem was! (And hey, if anyone knows how to play the harp or weird, stringed instrument in this pic, let us know.)

Anyway, if you're in Austin and would like to join us, drop by our Meetup page and sign up for advance notices to see who else is coming. We look forward to meeting everyone!

And if you'd like to throw a topic out for discussion in advance, we'd love to hear from you at marine2marine (at sign) gmail (dot com).