In the interest of starting a conversation back up with all of you, I’d love to hear from you!

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You want something extra to help you create a shift. Movement in the right direction. A breakthrough out of nowhere.

You’re the only one who knows what it’s like in your particular situation.

If you’re like most people though, you’ve got a razor-sharp sense of how things stack up on the scoreboard. Who’s done what to whom. How you were justified in reacting to various offenses.

But what about when it comes to the potential for real change — how do you know what to do? Which direction to go?

There are two possible boats you might be in if you’re struggling with the stepmom or ex-wife. So I’ll ask you:

Is this woman crazy and dangerous?

Or is she normal enough that you might one day get somewhere?

Which boat do think you’re in?

The one where you’re both basically “normal,” but having a hard time?

Or the one where she’s damaging the kids because she’s abusing drugs or alcohol, compulsively lies, maybe has a diagnosable personality disorder, and is actively alienating the children from you, even though it’s destroying them in the process?

Sounds obvious enough, right?

But here’s where this gets tricky.

When people attack us, when they hurt our feelings, snub us, do things that piss us off, when they do something with the kids that we strongly disagree with, we almost always put them in the second boat.

We are appalled at their flaws and issues, their behavior. We are offended. The reason they’re capable of acting the way they are must be because there’s something seriously wrong with them. They’ve got major problems.

And sometimes, this is true.

But sometimes… it’s not.

A little story for you.

In the brilliant book, “The Anatomy of Peace,” an Arab and a Jew lead a weekend workshop for the parents of troubled teens who are off on a wilderness retreat.

Yusef, who’s Arab, tells a tale from when he was young and earning a living, begging from Westerners on the streets of Bethlehem. He knew an elderly, blind Jewish beggar named Mordecai from working the same beat.

One day, Mordecai fell and spread his donated coins all over the ground. Not only was he struggling to stand up, his days’ earnings were everywhere.

Yusef’s first impulse was to help Mordecai get up and retrieve his coins.

But in an instant, without even being conscious of it, Yusef thought of all the injustices that the Jews had committed against his people; how angry, bitter and put upon he felt by these circumstances; this choice he had to make.

Instead of helping Mordecai, he quickly walked away.

Not only did Yusef do something unkind, he also betrayed himself in that moment.

He went against what he himself thought was the right thing to do.

Immediately after betraying himself, his mind turned to making Mordecai wrong. Making the situation wrong. Making the pressure he felt to help wrong and unfair.

In less than a second, Mordecai became the enemy.

Do you see how Yusef couldn’t, from that frame of mind, be able to accurately tell which boat Mordecai might be in (friend or foe) to save his life?

Same thing for us when we don’t do a brutally honest, slow-motion replay after a conflict-filled event.

When we can’t tease out our feelings of superiority, self-righteousness, our vindictiveness, our desire to get sympathy from others over our hardships, we lose our mental clarity.

We lose our compassion.

We lose any sense of responsibility.

We turn living, breathing people into objects.

What fascinates me is that millisecond of self-betrayal.

The self-betrayal comes first, then all else just “seems” to automatically follow….

We don’t even realize it’s happened!

We want to get along with the other woman, sometimes from just wanting less stress, more peace, cooperation, etc.

And deep inside us all, we know that our choices, our actions, our conflict-filled relationships after divorce actually hurt and frighten our children.

This knowledge tugs at our hearts and keeps us up at night.

But… something “goes wrong” again with the stepmom or ex-wife, we betray ourselves, and off she goes into the Crazy boat, even if she doesn’t belong there.

So how do you know when she does?

For one thing, it’s strikingly clear. You know it in your gut in no uncertain terms. This feeling is consistent from day-to-day. It never goes away. Those are the special circumstances that need to be taken seriously and managed with professional resources.

The Crazy boat requires stronger boundaries so you can protect your children and step-children. Maybe later, you can lower those boundaries. Maybe not.

The Normal boat is where things actually have the potential to change.

As a human being that’s a constant work in progress, I commit acts of self-betrayal on a daily basis.

How about you?

© 2010 Jennifer Newcomb Marine     All Rights Reserved

(Did you know it’s actually possible to create peace no matter which boat she’s in with our new 6-wk. course just for stepmoms? It’s true!  Check it out….)

Recommended Posts:

• A Rant: Painting the New American Family Portrait
• Erasing the Enemy
• Quiz: Whose World is This?
• Looking back at the ugly times
• Taming the Cobra – Parts One, Two and Three
• Which house would you rather live in?

The Transformation Lab is a solution-focused, online course designed to move you forward by enriching your understanding of a healthy step-bio relationship. Class begins Tuesday, June 22nd.

“This is a really interesting walkthrough; a ten-step plan that’s well thought-out and experience-based.

You didn’t invent this problem — you’ve just taken a giant step in resolving it. Divorce drains the joy, drains the energy, drains the peace from these children. …You guys have changed that, and you’re to be commended for that. I think that’s huge.”

(To his guests on the show that weren’t getting along) “I’d like to give y’all a leather-bound copy of this, in the hopes that you might wear it out.”

-Dr. Phil McGraw on The Dr. Phil Show

Unload Your Baggage

My goal is to help you shed what’s standing in your path to peace, not load you up. With concrete action steps to take, story-telling fun, and the support of a community to get you where you want to be, TL takes all the guesswork out of your journey.

Designed to engage natural strengths and be easy to use, TL will provide the tools you need to focus your efforts — with quick, portable methods to ground and balance yourself.

You’ll go from seeing “the enemy” more clearly… to eventually not seeing one at all.

Course Overview

What you get:

• Two live group phone calls a week: one group Q&A call with Jennifer and one Guest Expert call (downloadable mp3’s for your listening convenience)
• Access to the private forum where you can safely work through your deepest fears and concerns with others who know exactly what you’re going through. Your privacy and anonymity is assured.
• Weekly guided meditations
• Short, impact-oriented homework, no longer than 1 hour of reading and 1 paragraph of writing weekly
• The handy Take Action Decision Tree flowchart – determine when to reach out and extend yourself yet again – or pull back and focus on protection and strengthening your boundaries

Included materials:

• 2 copies of No One’s the Bitch by Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Jean Marine
• a blank gift card and what to say template

First 30 to enroll receive a free 1 hour phone consultation with Jennifer.

Why make the leap?

Based on new material I’ve learned since co-writing No One’s the Bitch, this course centers around unique material and a perspective you won’t find anywhere else. I’ve done the hard work of sticking my neck out, done the self-analysis, therapy and personal growth, fallen on my face and gotten back up — all so that you can learn from my mistakes — and my successes.

There’s an incredible freedom to be had when you start with yourself first in the face of challenges. Take this brave step and enable yourself to create a solid, grounded core where your self-esteem is no longer at someone else’s mercy.

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With the Transformation Lab, you get consistent results

And here’s why:

1. It works with you as the raw material. Progress is independent of the mom’s involvement – or anyone else’s, such as your husband, family, or friends.
2. You will be given the widest perspective on stepmom/mom and stepfamily issues possible. This will enable you to depersonalize hurtful behavior and instantly reframe the conflict.
3. New tools will create clarity in predictable and consistent ways. You’ll learn to separate your problems with the bio-mom and create a plan for the future that works for you. Should you extend yourself yet again or strengthen your boundaries instead? Now you’ll be able to tell without angst.

We’ll be joined best-selling authors/guest experts during exclusive, closed group calls.

This is a special opportunity. Take advantage of their expertise and come away with sanity-saving information to apply to the challenges giving you grief. Here’s the roster:

• Conflict resolution – Lisa McLeod – nationally syndicated columnist and author of the newly-released “The Triangle of Truth“
• The man in the middle – Joel Schwartzberg – author of “The 40-Year-Old Version” and PBS Producer
• Parental alienation – Dr. Ben Garber – author of “Keeping Kids Out of the Middle” and state-certified Guardian ad litem
• The inner world of the stepmom – Wednesday Martin, PhD. – author of the classic, “Stepmonster“
• What’s going on in the mind of the ex-wife – Katherine Doughtie Nolan – former co-blogger for The DHX Exchange (written by a mom and stepmom) and author of “Aphrodite in Jeans”
• Creating connection and balance in your stepfamily – Bernadette Noll of Slow Family Living, as seen on The Today Show and in The New York Times

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With story-oriented metaphors to illustrate new ideas, we’ll focus on having fun while we learn. Is interacting with the mom similar to climbing a mountain? It is! Use the same techniques that climbers do when they reattempt a route after failing — and discover strengths you didn’t know you had.

Put yourself in the best possible position to take advantage of any opportunities for partnership with the ex-wife — and create new ones.

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Pricing

First 30 students to sign up receive a free one-hour private phone consultation with Jennifer. Early registration is $397 through June 17th. $487 from June 18th – June 22nd.

Money-back Guarantee

If you are not satisfied at any time during the course, I will completely refund your money, no questions asked. You keep your books, lessons and downloads. Your refund comes with a smile and good wishes. You have nothing to lose by taking this first step to transformation.

Early registration is $397 through June 17th. $487 from June 18th – June 22nd.

Other bonuses:

• A two-for-one Transformation Lab offer applies to the mom, which she can redeem anytime within a year.
• Ongoing help after the course ends with access to your private forum for a full year. This forum is for you and your fellow students only.
• Discounted private consultations at the rate of $65/hr., instead of $95 for a full year.

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Questions and concerns are welcome

Please contact me via email or phone during CST business hours.
email: jennifer(at)noonesthebitch.com
phone: 866-455-4015
address: Jennifer Newcomb Marine / P.O. Box 41913 / Austin, Texas / 78704

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Others have said…

“My greatest insight was that the “mom” had thoughts and fears I never could have imagined. I gained compassion for the mom and stopped expecting her to accept me and the situation right away. I loved the part about taking personal responsibility for our contribution to the conflict. You forced us to take a look at ourselves and actually named the self-talk that was contributing to the problem. Without naming it, we might just think it’s normal behavior that is justified!”

-Jenna Rogers, stepmom

“When I first was engaged, I read every stepmom book that I could get my hands on. I am a stepmom (childless) and struggled through a very horrific time with my husband’s ex-wife. I felt complete and utter despair. We just really never communicated and she was convinced I wanted to take away her boys. When I first started reading “No One’s the Bitch,” my jaw dropped and my eyes were opened very wide. More and more, I started to put myself in their mom’s shoes as I read. I did keep trying and eventually, there was a breakthrough. We now have a peaceful relationship.”

-Lisa Teal Webb, stepmom

I didn’t really think I needed to read this book, after all, my husband’s ex-wife and I have a fairly decent relationship on the surface. But even with our great relationship, this book has given me my own a-ha moments! No matter how things looked to the outside world, there actually was a silent, undeclared competition going on between me and her. ‘No One’s The Bitch’ helped me see past and through my own uncomfortable feelings of anger, jealousy and insecurity, and reminded me to “own my own crap.”

-Peggy Nolan, The Stepmom’s Toolbox

The natural, human story-telling makes learning come easy. Even in the midst of addressing real issues, it’s entertaining. It doesn’t require that one learn some new system or model of human behavior. It’s self-evident, common sense.

It’s accessible, funny, useful, at times profound…

-Nathan Havlick, MSW, private practice

”People always say they want to “put the kids first” but their actions and attitudes often do the opposite. I love this book because it goes beyond the “idea” of putting kids first and gives very practical “how to” advice on specific steps to take to create a more harmonious relationship that benefits the entire family.

I recommend ‘No One’s the Bitch’ to all of the parents and step-parents I serve. It is ground-breaking work and an absolute must-read for anyone in a mother-stepmother relationship.”

-Amy McCready of Positive Parenting Solutions

“‘No One’s the Bitch’ provides an honest, engaging and powerful method for breaking through the impasse that so commonly occurs between the two homes in stepchildren’s lives.

I just want to tell you that I love your book, I recommend it in my class about “Communicating with the Other Home” in my Creating a Successful Stepfamily Course. I highly encourage all stepmoms and moms who want their children to have an opportunity to grow up with a healthy outlook for their future families to read it!”

-Joan Sarin, Stepmom SOS

“Stepmother and ex-wife relationships are complicated and you acknowledge that.

I consider your book, ‘No One’s the Bitch’ a great contribution to today’s books on stepcoupling and stepfamilies. You address a very difficult subject, which you obviously know a lot about. It shows, as well as your passion.”

-Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling

“’No One’s the Bitch’ forces both moms and stepmoms to take a good long look in the mirror and own up to their thoughts, feelings and actions toward the other woman. Even if she isn’t ready to work together, you will learn a lot about yourself through the exercises.

Open your mind and open your heart to this program and you might be pleasantly surprised at the results!”

-Brenda Tofil-Ockun, Editor of StepMom Magazine

“I tend to be apprehensive about any self-help books. As a therapist, I often find the advice trite. But I found No One’s the Bitch to be refreshingly real and my clients often identify with the stories. It gives us a chance to not only process more deeply, but also laugh about the situation. I absolutely recommend this book to my clients. It’s part of creating a new culture and moves us past resentment into a community of authenticity and compassion. This book is very timely.”

-Rebecca Lincoln, MA, private practice

“I’d read several books about step-parenting, stepmotherhood, the effects of divorce and separation on children, marriage, and the like, but none of my research had given advice on how to develop a healthy relationship with the other woman in my life – the biggest hurdle of all in my opinion!

The witty humor and blunt, non-sugar-coated content (that is by no means overly harsh) is a kick in the pants that’s sure to motivate moms and stepmoms alike to join the same team! I recommend this book to any woman who finds herself in need of straight-forward (no BS here!) advice when it comes to this increasingly common dilemma.”

-Janelle Caminker, stepmom

We’re going to have so much fun, talking to stepmom Becky Lippett from La Belle Mere about how she recently transformed her formerly nerve-wracking relationship with the ex-wife in her life.

Join us today at 3:00 p.m. (CST) for an intimate conversation across the Atlantic.

Date: Sunday, June 13th
Time: 3:00-4:00 p.m. (CST)
Phone number: (724) 444-7444
Enter in this Call ID when prompted: 84155

She’ll reveal how she went from being separated and on the verge on divorce due to tensions with the bio-mom — to creating a partnership with the mom that’s “lifted an enormous weight off her shoulders” and turned her marriage completely around — for the better.

Can you say, “We’ve actually gone out for cocktails several times together now….”?

She can!

You’ll have the opportunity to ask questions in advance by email, and during the call by chat or in person.

Hope to see you there!

If you’re struggling in your stepfamily (either with your husband or stepchildren–or both) and you’d like to get some help, a major production company in New York is looking for YOU to film a pilot!

The show will never be shown to the public and will be used for in-house development purposes only. It will feature a well-known celebrity who is recognized for their counseling skills and you’ll receive the benefit of some hands-on help for your particular situation.

The pilot will tape in Los Angeles on Thursday and Friday, June 10th and 11th.

If you live elsewhere, they will provide travel, lodging and a per diem for meals.

They are seeking stepfamilies where the children are a bit older and are capable of articulating their perspective and emotions, ideally ages 15-24.

The producer would like to keep the name of the production company and the celebrity confidential at this point (hence the private email address below), but you are welcome to contact her for more information. You’d recognize many of the shows on today as theirs.

Details:

• Stacy Rollins
• tvproducer@4809@yahoo.com
• Office: 646-728-4819
• Cell: 732-822-3336

This is a great opportunity to create a potential breakthrough in your stepfamily.

Best of luck if you end up in LA!

Cheers,

Jennifer

Mayra (the mom) and Jesica (the stepmom) from the D.C. area tell us their story….

What were some of the biggest problems you USED to have with each other?

Mayra: She was doing too much to try and be the “Mommy.” I felt that when I talked to the kids, they would paint a certain picture. They felt pressured to call her mom, because she would get mad if they didn’t.

Instead of approaching the situation in a calm manner, I would yell at my children’s father about her and instantly become aggressive. Another issue as well, as childish as this may sound, was I did not like it when my daughter kissed her on the lips. To me, that’s something only a biological parent should be doing. I hated the feeling I had when I saw that close connection with them, to be honest. I don’t think I was ready to accept that close affection they shared.

I also had issues with the fact that she would do little things to pester me, such as take my daughter’s hair out after I did it, because as the kids told me “She didn’t like it.” Little things like that….

Jesica: For me, it was this person trying to tell me what I could and could no longer do with the kids, or alone with the kids, because I wasn’t their parent. Things that I was so used to doing prior to that were being taken away from me. Parental alienation was normal around the kids—it was like a tug of war. Who was going to win the kids over by buying them what they wanted or giving them what they needed? A big problem was them calling me Mommy, or me showing up for school events or doctor’s visits.

What made you think it might be possible for things to change for the better? Were there little things that caught your attention? Big things?

Mayra: I sat down with my children and asked them how they honestly felt about her. I told them I wouldn’t be mad or sad. I needed to know what they felt and that’s when my kids told me, “She’s nice to us, Mom—we like her and love her.” Prior to having that conversation, I felt that she was “making them” scared, to the point that they had no other choice but to like her!

To hear that come from my kids, in their own words, made me realize I needed to put all the crap away and deal with her, to work it out with her. But the biggest sign I saw was when we were all at the kids’ school due to a difficult issue. It was the way we were able to put it all aside, work well in the same room, and not have any conflict.

Jesica: I just want to say first that prior to now, we did have a period in which we got along. I had taken a six-month break from my husband (boyfriend at the time) and she and I started to talk, because I wanted to see the kids. After he and I got back together, we stopped talking. I guess she saw it as a betrayal or something.

This time around, what made me think it was possible was after my husband and I got married recently. (We’ve known each other for 6 years.) She allowed the kids to come to our wedding, which I thought she would try and sabotage, but she didn’t. Then for Easter, they got Easter baskets from our house and took them home, and she told my husband to thank me because they were nice. These were the little signs. Not very big ones, because soon after, it was back to the same old drama.

There was one big turning point and it was on a day in which there was a crisis in my six year-old stepdaughter’s school. There was a bully we’d been having issues with almost all year long. I was around the corner when my husband called, so I picked him up, and we met with his ex-wife at the school. Although I’m sure in her head she was wondering why I had to be there, she actually picked up her cup of courage and asked me how I was doing. I was so shocked I said “What?!” and she said, “Come on, okay? I’m trying!” I turned beet red in shock.

From there, I knew there might be a possibility we could make this work. As long as it didn’t just last for that one day! They say sometimes tragedy can bring people together. I think here that statement rings true.

How did you reach out to the other woman? Were you scared? Was she (from what you could tell)?

Mayra: I reached out at the school. It was awkward being there and talking to their dad and completely ignoring her, so I sucked it up and genuinely asked her, “How’re you doing?” and from there the conversation flowed.. She was shocked at first, I could tell. She asked me, “What?” and I replied “Look, I’m trying….”

Jesica: Although she doesn’t know it, I reached out by buying your book. I was scared as to how she would receive it. (In the beginning of the book, it talks about how both sides are jealous and sad and feel like we are in mourning. These were the things that I was sure she would find hard to admit to anyone or even herself!) So I had my husband pretend as though he was buying it for her as a Mother’s Day gift, and he told her that he had bought me one too. I thought she would throw it away or toss it somewhere, but never actually read it.

I feel as though I’ve always been the one more willing to try and work things out, but I do think she was scared to speak to me. Maybe “scared” is the wrong word—let’s say nervous. She and I have a lot in common and our faces are pretty easy to read. She was beet red too when she asked me how I was doing. That is how I knew she was being sincere. Had it been a cold and careless question, she wouldn’t have looked nervous or been blushing when she spoke to me.

What do you think made her willing to meet you halfway?

Mayra: Being honest, I think that she was willing to meet me half way a long time ago. It was me who wasn’t willing to try…. I like to do things on my own time, not on anyone else’s. So I guess when I was finally willing to meet her halfway, she had been ready.

It seems that ever since that day, we’ve been on the same page and are trying to work with each other, not against each other. We’re willing to compromise some of our wants in order to move forward…. We stopped being selfish!

Jesica: Honestly, I think it’s just been so long that we were both tired. Tired of hating each other and nit-picking at everything! It’s exhausting! For the past several years, we’ve been doing it with a passion to the point that I found ways to bring her up everyday.

Even when the kids weren’t around, I thought of different things to bring up and I’m sure it was the same on her side. My husband got tired of it. I got tired of it. I got depressed about it. (I’ve never been to a doctor to confirm this, but I know I was.)

I got tired of seeing how the kids were changing in a negative way. I could tell that they were more sensitive, and less eager to keep going back and forth across the battle lines. I think she finally hit a point where she realized that what she was doing was not benefiting the kids either—and she was over it. When we first started our feud, I was 19-20, and she was 22-23. We’re older and more mature now. All in all, most of what made us change has to do with the kids.

Were there any mistakes you were making before that you’re willing to admit that kept this from happening?

Jesica: Yes. I constantly threw it in her face that she was gone for a period of time and wasn’t consistently in their lives. What I said to her were truths, but I didn’t have to throw them in her face. I constantly reminded her of why the kids loved me and what I did for them that she never did, or could never do because it was too late (for example, potty- training my stepdaughter). I told her that my house was my house and our rules are our rules. It could have been said in a better manner.

The kids would constantly tell us things like, “Mommy said _____,” and I would just say “Well, tell Mommy I don’t care,” or something of that nature. I should’ve just kept my comments to myself, or to my husband. I would do things that a mother would do, but I never consulted her about it, only with my husband.

Mayra: I can admit I let my anger and insecurity blind me from moving forward. I was scared that the kids would like her more than me. I learned that they love her and like her, but I am Mommy and will always be Mommy in their life and no one can take that special bond from me and my kids….. I have learned to share them instead of being selfish and possessive. One can never go wrong with so much love!

How are things between you now?

Mayra: Things are great and peaceful….. There is no more of “that Effin Bitch” flying around. And no anger…. It feels awesome to have an extra partner in our lives to help raise the kids.

Jesica: Things are great right now. The kids are constantly bringing up how we are getting along and how happy they are about it.

We actually spent time together for the first time this past Friday with the kids—she, my husband and I. We went and got my stepson’s hair cut. She and I were there before he arrived. We were talking and laughing and we felt a little awkward, but it will get easier with time.

We’ve been texting and communicating as well. We haven’t just been brushing it off as if this is some easy task. She and I have talked a little about the kids, and how she and I feel about speaking with each other. It has been said that we need to make it work this time and make it last. We both agree no one is going anywhere and that the more love the kids get, the better.

She and I agreed that we need to talk things out and make things happen. We both even admitted that we feel happier now. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and the anxiety is almost gone.

My only concerns now are that we try not to let small things get in the way and let our emotions run wild. I’m actually doing things with her in mind, so that I don’t offend her, and I can only say I’m hoping she’s doing the same.

Are there any things that you’re looking forward to more, now that you’ve begun to heal your relationship?

Mayra: I look forward to a lot of things. Trips at school, trips out of school and birthday parties and holidays together. Even time with her, hanging out as adults…. We were friends at one point and I’d like to gain that back.

Jesica: I am looking forward to sharing BIRTHDAYS! It used to be so sad when a birthday would fall on her day and we wouldn’t see them. I cannot wait to finally be able to have a birthday party for the kids and not worry about her being there, or vice-versa. We have yet to throw them a party because of it.

I look forward to maybe in the future taking field trips together and hanging out by ourselves, without the kids. (Yes I can see us getting there. Like I said before, she and I actually do have a lot of things in common.)

I also look forward to doing “future firsts” with the kids and not having the stress of them feeling like they have to choose who they talk to—or don’t. I’m looking forward to the kids being happy. The End!

One question for Mayra only….

In many ways, the power to create a cooperative mom/stepmom relationship lies with the mom, because she has so much authority as the mother of the children. In your opinion, why aren’t more moms willing to make it work with the stepmoms?

Mayra: I think that moms are not willing to work it out because they are afraid and feel like something is being taken away from them. I totally understand that, but ladies, remember: you are their MOM and will always be their MOM and sometimes… sharing is caring!

What advice would you give other moms or stepmoms who are having a hard time?

Mayra: Give it a chance, don’t close the door without trying first. Put aside your personal feelings and pay attention to what your kids want. Sometimes your own feelings will blind you.

Jesica: Part of me honestly thought that she really just was the biggest Bitch!! Your book helps. I can give advice, but every situation is different. Most women run on emotions and put up their walls, waiting for an attack. Mothers are very protective of their children and stepparents are just looking to love the children as well.

My advice is simple. Try not to purposely step on anyone’s toes. Communicate. Maybe the other person doesn’t know you want to get along. Maybe one or both adults think you are trying to take the kid(s) away from them. What ever the case may be, as hard as it might be: try.

You may even try several times without your attempts being acknowledged, but as long as you try, then there’s a chance. You don’t have to be best friends, you don’t even have to like each other. You do, however, have to work with each other if you want the kids to be happy.

Ultimately when you see how happy the kids are, you’ll realize how much more happy you are. Trust me when I say that the stress and anger and frustration built up in you will go away and you will feel sooo much better—so much, it’s almost indescribable.

Thanks so much, Mayra and Jesica! And we’re happy for you too!

Fascinating stuff.

Will was married to Sheree Zampino for four years (1992-95) and they have a 17 year-old son named Trey. She is now married to former San Diego Chargers player, Pastor Terrell Fletcher. Will and Jada also have two children, actor Jaden (11) and singer Willow (10).

Oprah: …And speaking of extended family, everybody’s here. Both grandmothers are here—

Jada: Yep, we got Kyle, my brother; we got Sheree, that’s Trey’s mama… and her husband, Pastor Terrell.

Oprah: And so, obviously—obviously, everybody gets along and you all made a conscious effort for that to happen.

Will: Absolutely.

Oprah: Especially when there has been a previous relationship and a child….

Jada: Yep—

Oprah: Why did you make that decision? We’ve talked about this before, I think this is powerful—

Jada: Well, actually Sheree and I both had to make that decision, because at the end of the day… we had Trey. And that had to be the primary focus, our primary, uh… you know, just: what does HE need? And so we had to put aside our own craziness—

Oprah: Your stuff—

Jada: Our stuff, and you know, all the baggage that comes with it. And she and I just had to focus on, what does he need.

Oprah: (to Sheree): Was there a talk about that?

Jada: Oh… we had plenty. (She and Sheree laugh, Sheree nods.)

Sheree: We did, we did… It took—it took a minute, but we got it. And we realized (gesturing to she and Will, smiling), we had our chance. Now it’s about these kids.

Jada: Right, right….

Oprah: (to Will): Could you speak to the ex-wives of America and tell them that?

(general laughing)

Jada: You know, I wish! And oftentimes—

Oprah: ‘Cause so many people are holding on to “what could have been….”

Jada: And the thing about it is, (simultaneously with Oprah:) the kids suffer.

Oprah: Yes. Yes—

Jada: And at the end of the day, it’s like… we have to let go of our own selfish desires, our own selfish needs and we have to look: What? What can we do to facilitate the group? And what can we do to facilitate the children, who—ultimately—they’re our future!

Oprah: They’re your future….

(Sheree nods vigorously.)

I know for many stepmoms here, I’m preaching to the choir. You’ve TRIED to make it better with the bio-mom and have been rebuffed more times than you care to count. Or maybe you’ve just stopped trying.

Or maybe you’re a mom and feel like you’re forever dealing with a stepmom who seems bent on outshining you in the motherhood department. Fun, huh?

Either way, notice Jada’s emphasis on how it was a decision both she and Sheree made to work together.

And most importantly, please note her admission that there’s baggage and “stuff” on both sides, but they each found a way to operate from a higher sense of purpose.

The kids’ well-being.

Your thoughts?

(Photo credit to The Dougie. Oprah transcripts from Harpo Inc., All Rights Reserved).

© 2010 Jennifer Newcomb Marine    All Rights Reserved

(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum.)

Further Reading:

• A Tiny Bridgemaker – Part One and Part Two
• Painting the New American Landscape, with Numbers
• Tender Underbellies
• Erasing the Enemy – Part 1 and Part 2
• What if you’ve been betrayed?
• How to stop hating the ex-wife or stepmother in your life – our story

To ANYONE who takes care of our children, whether you made them or not, I salute you! Thank for all you do for these little beings (and sometimes medium and big ones) who can be moody, uncooperative, whiny, over-sensitive and angry–but also wonderfully innocent, vulnerable, warm, playful, all-accepting, and sweetly kind.

Our children need ALL of us!

They need as many adults to love them as possible and one of the most generous things we can ever do for THEM is to make room in their lives for others as well.

I hope it’s a day of recognition for you, whether stepmother or mother, but if not, please make sure to acknowledge yourself. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back, feel appreciation for yourself, and soak up some loving kindness beamed inwards!

Parenting is a tough job, no matter who’s doing it. But our consistent and selfless efforts make all the difference in the world to the children that evoke our tender hearts….

Much love to all….

© 2010 Jennifer Newcomb Marine    All Rights Reserved

(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum!)

Have a burning question you’d like to ask? Disagree or agree with a recent post? Please come join us, I’d love to hear from you! Any and all input is welcome!

From Peggy Nolan:

“I know I say it about every show…but OH! This is going to be a great show!

When: Monday, May 3, 2010

Time: 8:00 – 9:00 PM EST

Where: http://blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox or dial in (347) 843-4229

We realize it’s not always possible to create a working relationship with your stepkids’ mother (and vice versa) because of a variety of reasons, but for the most of us, what’s holding us back from moving forward and creating a strong united front are fear, insecurity, doubt, anger, resentment, jealousy, and a number of other things that keep us trapped inside our own heads.

During the hour we have with Jennifer, we hope to give moms and stepmoms practical tips, tools, and advice on how to build a bridge towards mutual understanding and compassion so that everyone wins. We’re not talking about becoming best friends forever or insist that you have coffee together once a week. We’re talking about forming a working relationship that benefits both households and the kids who live in two places.

(Yes, this show, like all our shows, will be available on demand shortly after we air live!)

Don’t forget to login to BlogTalk when you listen over your computer – Live chat will be open for questions! And don’t forget to click on the ♥ symbol – it will mark our show “favorite” and help boost are ratings.

Be a friend and tell a friend about this show! Or better yet, tell your stepkids’ mother about the show and send her the link so she can listen, too!

After the show, we’ll head over to StepChicks for a post show wrap up!

See you on the Radio!”

Love,

Peggy