creating joy despite divorced mom/stepmom conflict
As you may have noticed, this blog came to a screeching halt over the last several months. When writers post after a dry spell, they often feel compelled to offer a host of reasons why that no one really cares about. You’re reading this blog for your benefit, not mine. So here’s my offering to… [Continue Reading]
Have you had enough? What if she never changes? What if she doesn’t stop trying to turn your stepchildren against you and accusing you of things you didn’t do? What if she doesn’t stop overstepping boundaries and trying to make you look like a bad mom? What if this is just how she is? I… [Continue Reading]
I’m going to take a guess here: nothing in your situation is what you expected. Is it? We’ve all heard that expectations lead to disappointment, because inevitably, things turn out differently. But we had no idea just how off our expectations could be, did we? Stepmoms thought that mom would be thankful to have a… [Continue Reading]
I’m sure divorced moms experience this as well, but this complaint seems to be more prevalent among stepmoms, probably because moms hold more power when it comes to their children. Pick a situation, it could be anything: you think things are going well and then you get a nasty email or text telling you how it’s going… [Continue Reading]
As I begin decluttering my house in preparation for selling it and moving to Oregon, I’m struck by how many things I’ve hung onto over the years for reasons I can’t even remember. The things themselves are tied to memories, dreams, and old priorities. They’re also tied to “issues” I used to have and some… [Continue Reading]
There seems to be an epidemic of stepmoms divorcing. I don’t know the details of every situation, but it’s a pretty good guess that their husbands did not step up and support them. Experts agree that the marriage needs to be the primary relationship. If your husband doesn’t realize this, you have a high chance of… [Continue Reading]
What are we shooting for here? How can we help you? Our best-selling book – and this site – focuses on how to create a better relationship between ex-wives and stepmoms, or, in other words, traditional enemies. We’re unique in that our perspective is informed by BOTH sides – a divorced mom and a stepmom. The… [Continue Reading]
We’re all women. We all struggle. We’ve all had thoughts and feeling we wish we didn’t. We’re all in situations we wish we could change. We’re similar in so many ways, yet we continue to be separate. Mom has to struggle knowing her children are part of another family, one that doesn’t include her. This… [Continue Reading]
Do you think you’re able to change someone? I’m guessing intellectually you know you can’t. After all, how many times have you heard “The only person you can control is yourself”? Yet you continue to think: “Maybe if I’m nicer to her…” “Maybe if I appease her…” “Maybe if I ignore her…” “Maybe if I… [Continue Reading]
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson “We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.” – Ian Percy “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at… [Continue Reading]
“Our thoughts create our reality — where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go.” – Peter McWilliams – A colorful sunrise. – Contentment. – Growth. – Family to laugh with. – Inner wholeness. – Peace. – Crisp morning air. – Nature’s beauty. – Health. – Opportunity to help others heal. -… [Continue Reading]
(Stepmoms! Tired of struggling? Register now for Jenna’s Stepmom Bootcamp!) I know many of you have been falsely accused of a variety of offenses by the other woman. Some of them completely ridiculous that left you thinking, Where the hell did that come from?? She couldn’t be more wrong! Its like she concocted some strange story… [Continue Reading]
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about generosity. And wishing we could be more generous to each other. Websters defines “generous” as : –adjective 1. liberal in giving or sharing; unselfish: a generous patron of the arts; a generous gift. 2. free from meanness or smallness of mind or character; magnanimous. In the context of these relationships,… [Continue Reading]
When it comes to how you expect the other woman to behave, could you meet those same standards? Never say a single bad word against you. Always do what’s best for the children (according to your private interpretation). Never be late (come hell, high water or bad traffic). Never get angry, be snippy, play the… [Continue Reading]
There are plenty of divorced mom and stepmom “couples,” trying to make it. Hoping to find a way, at the very least, to be cordial to each other. Maybe even friendly. Peaceful. But this relationship is tricky at best. Just when you think you’ve made some progress, a rude comment or accusation comes out of… [Continue Reading]
There are probably 100 reasons why the most common words out of a stepmom’s mouth are “this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” But why focus on the negative? Here’s a countdown of the top 10 BEST things about being a stepmom! 10. You get to have kids AND keep your kickin’ body. No… [Continue Reading]
Many problems between houses start because someone is actually trying to solve a problem. A father desperately misses his kids. A stepmom is trying to find her place in a family with lots of history that came before her. A mom feels disoriented, sharing parental responsibilities with someone she doesn’t know. People struggle with their… [Continue Reading]
(Register now for Jenna’s August Stepmom Bootcamp!) Welcome to our monthly feature, where one of YOU shares your story with fellow moms and stepmoms. Let’s welcome a popular voice on our Facebook page and in our Member’s Community private forum, stepmom and mom, Renee Stone. (You might know her as “Lucky.”) NOTB: Welcome Renee! When… [Continue Reading]
(Register now for Jenna’s August Stepmom Bootcamp!) How much energy are you spending on the other woman? How often during the day do you think about her? Have you googled her lately? Complained about her latest antics to your friends? Your husband? Anyone who will listen? And how does it feel to be consumed with trying… [Continue Reading]
(Join Jenna for Stepmom Bootcamp!) I just got the go-ahead from my agent this weekend for an NOTB follow-up! The book is tentatively titled, “No One’s the Bitch SUCCESS: What Worked and How to Do More of It – Even If She Doesn’t Change.” I’ve learned a lot over the years since writing the first… [Continue Reading]
(Register for Jenna’s Stepmom Bootcamp!) I took my two big dogs for a walk down at the greenbelt for the first time the other morning. I had to admit, I was nervous. New retractable leash. A German Shepherd (Lucy, almost 12, still going strong) who’s rarely, but nevertheless potentially fearful and aggressive. A Siberian Husky… [Continue Reading]
“I’m sorry…” Two very powerful words, when spoken from the heart. Why? Because you’re acknowledging that you’ve caused another pain, whether it was intentional or not. It’s an opportunity to express your regret about the way you behaved, the words you spoke, or the intentions you held. Without an acknowledgement of wrongdoing, how can the… [Continue Reading]
Welcome to our monthly feature, where one of YOU shares your story with fellow moms and stepmoms. Let’s welcome, stepmom and soon-to-be-mom, Katie Potter! NOTB: When your situation was at its worst, what was that like for you? Katie: It was so horribly stressful. (I just didn’t realize how much at the time!) It felt… [Continue Reading]
I sometimes like to think of weird things that might have extremely large numbers assigned to them. …How many breaths each and every creature that’s ever lived has taken, all together. …How many times the clouds have passed over the sun as someone looked skyward. …How many times you’ve eaten lunch. …How many times your… [Continue Reading]
The other woman is out to get you. Everything she does is motivated by an intense, burning desire to see you fail, to make you suffer. Her life revolves around making you miserable — and miserable you are, despite yourself. Although… something about this feeling seems familiar. You can’t quite put your finger on it……. [Continue Reading]
The discord in our families is reflective of the discord in ourselves. So when we heal ourselves, we will heal our families. That’s what Jen and I came up with while we were discussing why we’re compelled to do this work. Why we spend hours a week interacting with you on Facebook and in the… [Continue Reading]
Most of us are reluctant to turn the flashlight back on ourselves and look at the ways we might have screwed up. After all, who likes feeling like they’ve messed up? Like the balance of power has shifted in the story and all of a sudden, instead of the other person being so predictably wrong… [Continue Reading]
Unmet expectations can be our greatest source of disappointment. Moms, did you expect your ex-husband’s new wife to take a back seat in the co-parenting car? Did you expect your kids to miss and need you when they went to your ex’s house, only to find out they had a great time and even…gulp…liked the… [Continue Reading]
We’ve gotten lots of new readers lately, so I thought it might be a good time to take a step back and summarize who we are and what we’re shooting for here… Our best-selling book – and this site – focuses on how to create a harmonious relationship between ex-wives and stepmoms, or, in other… [Continue Reading]
(Disclaimer: these descriptions don’t encompass all situations. There are outliers and extremes and hundreds of different scenarios. But these are the most common experiences for many stepmoms.) 1. She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband. Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that includes their husband, and… [Continue Reading]
(Did you read Jen’s recent article in the Huffington Post? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!) Welcome to our monthly feature, where one of YOU shares your story with fellow moms and stepmoms. Meet soon-to-be stepmom, Korina! NOTB: Welcome Korina! When was your situation at its best and at its worst — and what… [Continue Reading]
As some of you may already know, Jenna has had a less than ideal relationship with the mother of her stepchildren. These relationships are contentious! But in the spirit of showing women what’s possible with our Just Meet Her! Challenge this month, she agreed to serve as a guinea pig and issue an invitation. Lo… [Continue Reading]
(Audrey S. [mom] and Gina W. [stepmom] on Mother’s Day with their children.) The problem of the world is that we draw the circle of our family too small. -Mother Theresa Our old grievances can change in an instant when we simply open to the other… and listen. WHAT IF… the divorced mom or stepmom is… [Continue Reading]
In my three short years as a stepmom, I’ve learned some things about divorced moms that I wish I would have known at the very beginning. It would have made my journey SO much easier. I’m sharing them with you now, in hopes that your ride will be a little smoother than mine. Keep in… [Continue Reading]
Over the weekend, we learned a valuable lesson. Jenna shared a link to an article on our Facebook page that she thought might be potentially inflammatory, but also stimulate an interesting discussion — given the fact that some stepmoms do indeed wrestle with this kind of behavior with the mom in their lives. All hell… [Continue Reading]
(Jen is seeking 15 collaborators for her next book! More information here. Please help spread the word!) If you live close to the Big Apple, please consider joining Jen and good friends Brenda Ockun from StepMom Magazine, Paula Bisacre of ReMarriage Works and writer Joel Schwartzberg (a remarried father of 3) at the Peace Summit,… [Continue Reading]
Note: I’m apologizing ahead of time for anyone that I might piss off with this post. It is not my intention . Okay, here goes! There are 2 complaints I hear often from moms regarding their ex-husbands. The first complaint is that if he’s remarried and the stepmom plays an active parenting role, then he… [Continue Reading]
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -Philo Here’s a little experiment to try this week…. If you’re wanting to create a friendlier relationship with the mom or stepmom and aren’t sure where to start, first, consider doing something simple and stopping any subtly combative behavior. Is your voice tight when… [Continue Reading]
Since none of us would be here if it weren’t for the kids, I started thinking about how some parents can’t help but put their children in the middle of their mess with their ex. And every time I think of it, I’m reminded of an extraordinary book my husband and I read, called “Keeping… [Continue Reading]
A common theme in my stepmom support group is how defensive some husbands get when their wives attempt to address an issue regarding the kids. Most of time, the issue never gets addressed, because defensiveness usually leads to one, or both, parties shutting down. If someone gets defensive when confronted, it’s usually because they’re taking your issue as a… [Continue Reading]
Credit: anankkml The other day, during our webinar with the super insightful publisher of Stepmom Magazine, Brenda Ockun, she said something that struck me. Something that I would like to shout from the mountain tops and that I wish someone had told me 3 years ago: If you and the other woman can’t have a… [Continue Reading]
I just spoke to a producer for the Dr. Phil Show and they’d love to do another show highlighting the issues between dual-families – meaning, either a single parent family and a stepfamily — or two stepfamilies connected by divorce – that don’t get along. Things move quick in TV Land, so the two families… [Continue Reading]
At 46, I’m certainly not one of the greatest rock climbers around, but it’s a obsession I truly love that has changed me on many levels. Just like any sport that attracts die-hard followers, it has its own lingo and insider terminology. “Beta” are the tips and inside scoop to help you successfully complete a… [Continue Reading]
I consider myself pretty successful in my transition from single girl to stepmom and I’ve always had the best of intentions when it came to my husband’s ex-wife. And yet, I’ve made some moves that seemed right at the time, but weren’t. Here’s one of them: I won’t get into the details for privacy’s sake,… [Continue Reading]
(Burnt Forest photo credit: Ramsey Kunkel) We have an interesting opportunity to learn something, after what happened in Arizona on Saturday. As many of you know by now, 6 people were tragically killed (including a nine-year old girl born on 9/11) and 13 were critically injured when a 22 year-old man opened fire at Democratic… [Continue Reading]
Happy New Year and farewell to 2010! I am thrilled to introduce a new direction for the new year – a new blogging and workshop partner! Jenna Korf and I have corresponded over the last several years and have finally found a way to work together. She’ll be doing some guest posts here, we’ll try… [Continue Reading]
COACHING NOW AVAILABLE Please check out my new coaching page! You’ll find a variety of coaching options, if you’re interested in getting further support. There’s also a way to sign up for a free mini-session to test drive the car…. Coming this week: FREE DOWNLOADABLE GUIDE Free, in-depth guide on whether to take action on… [Continue Reading]
For a while there, whenever our dual-family family was ironing out some major issues—like which kid was living where, and for how long—we’d have these really intense family meetings. We’d all sit around the kitchen table after dinner, or in the living room, half of us sprawled on the floor… and we’d talk. One of… [Continue Reading]
One very easy way to increase your feelings of gratitude is to TAKE CARE OF YOUR BLESSINGS. So often, we take for granted the things that are working well and assume they will always be there. Kids that still reach out. A reliable partner. Your job. Your health. The place you live. Your car. Friends… [Continue Reading]
I’ll be participating in this today — come join us and ask your most pressing questions. The last one was loads of fun and very lively! CLICK HERE TO JOIN IN
Many of you come to this site because you’re looking for information that might give you an advantage with your difficult mom/stepmom relationship. You want something extra to help you create a shift. Movement in the right direction. A breakthrough out of nowhere. You’re the only one who knows what it’s like in your particular… [Continue Reading]
(If you’re in the U.S., our show with Dr. Phil will be on as a rerun tomorrow. Tune in if you missed it before!) We’re going to have so much fun, talking to stepmom Becky Lippett from La Belle Mere about how she recently transformed her formerly nerve-wracking relationship with the ex-wife in her life…. [Continue Reading]
What does it look like when the “bio-mom” and stepmom transform the ex-wife/stepmom relationship from hell? Here, we talk to two women who were formerly at war for years, but have suddenly made a breakthrough into a whole, new world of cooperation and promise. Mayra (the mom) and Jesica (the stepmom) from the D.C. area… [Continue Reading]
Most of our readers are stepmoms. This makes sense to me because it’s the stepmoms who are locked out of the house, waiting outside in the snow. The dads have a lot of power, because, hey, these are their kids and they get the final say. And the moms certainly have a lot of power… [Continue Reading]
(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum.) Feeling like there’s an enemy in your midst can be really stressful. This is what a lot of stepmoms and ex-wives that are stuck… [Continue Reading]
(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum.) I’m behind on writing the third part to the Taming the Cobra series. It will be up later today or first thing tomorrow Sunday…. [Continue Reading]
(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum. “Since emotional processes can work faster than the mind, it takes a power stronger than the mind to bend perception, override emotional circuitry, and… [Continue Reading]
(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum. One essential element that needs to be in place when you’re dealing with a high-conflict situation—or trying to change it—is self-love. Okay, so the… [Continue Reading]
Please note: If you tried to leave a comment earlier and couldn’t, please try again, as comments should be working now. Host issues – we’re working on it…. Thanks! (Like it or not, the two women in your child’s or stepchild’s life are typically the hands-on parents. Gender roles die hard! With both sides vying… [Continue Reading]
So I have a moment at the end of the Dr. Phil Show that we did a few weeks ago that I’m hoping no one will see, but that my ex-husband David assures me is the one moment they will probably be sure to include (air date: Dec. 1). Great… Just what I wanted to… [Continue Reading]
There's a funny little thing that can happen with people you love that drags the relationship down without you even noticing it – until after the fact. I just came back from visiting my daughter Sophie, who moved out a short time ago into her own cool, little abode with roommates just north of the… [Continue Reading]
Here’s an easy way to know if you’re ever going to break through the impasse with the stepmother or bio-mom. Ask yourself: am I stressed? Does my stress level stay at a pretty consistent level? (Sure, you might also be thinking, Well, it’s because of HER that I’m so stressed, but not so fast, Buster….)… [Continue Reading]
Imagine a medieval battlefield (perhaps you’ve seen Braveheart) where two lone warriors are fighting, wounded and bloody. At some point, they realize the futility of their struggle and know if they don’t stop, one — or more likely, both of them are going to end up dead. Who puts down their weapon first? And THEN… [Continue Reading]
If you're planning on attending our free support group to create stepmom/mom partnership Tuesday at 7:30, please note, the location is incorrectly listed in the Austin Chronicle. It's at Central Market Cafe (north location, off 38th St.) and not at BookPeople, like our previous meetings. There was something about having to slip behind an author… [Continue Reading]
(Angelina Eberly* / photo by Alan P. Van Dyke) 1. While our overall divorce rate has dropped down to 49%, a staggering 75% of remarriages involving children end in divorce. 2. Moms and stepmoms are desperate to escape the feeling that a perfect stranger is constantly trying to undermine them. Who IS this person, really?… [Continue Reading]
Check out a lively conversation taking place over on The Step Mom’s Toolbox at the moment. Peggy Nolan wrote three posts (One, Two and Three) about the element of self-deception and how it plays itself out as a stepmom, and just extended family relationships in general. A funny conundrum: if you’re unwilling to consider that… [Continue Reading]
Still struggling with the "other woman" in your life? Join the club! We're (Carol and I) hosting another free meeting in Austin, TX tonight to help moms and stepmoms better understand each other and create the beginnings of a parenting partnership (yes, it is actually possible!). We get along great now, but when we first… [Continue Reading]
(If you missed Part One, it’s here.) The stepmother clicked the button to end the call before it started ringing. Then she took a deep breath and began to dial again. She stopped halfway, remembering some of the worst verbal insults that had made their way back to her, some of the angry and hateful… [Continue Reading]
Just a quick reminder, our next meeting hosted by Carol and I will be this coming Tuesday, June 16th at 7:30pm at the award-winning BookPeople. We've created a Meetup group here, if you'd like to join. Or you can always check our Events page…. We still have raffle prizes to give away too! Tonight, we're… [Continue Reading]
Once upon a time, there was a mom and stepmom, stuck with each other in their lives, like a splinter in their thumb that couldn’t be removed. Thumbs get used a lot, so this was a bad thing, this constant, wincing reminder of the splinter as they went about their days. It was a pretty… [Continue Reading]
I've written effusively before about a book I recently read on resolving the heart of conflict called "The Anatomy of Peace" by the Arbinger Institute (yes, odd for a book to be written by an institute, but whoever wrote it, it's brilliant). I was contacted a few days ago by their Director of Community Relations… [Continue Reading]
Just a reminder about our meeting tonight at BookPeople here in Austin, Texas. 7:30 p.m., third floor meeting room. Some of the stuff we'd like to cover…. Help for understanding and working through the conflict What’s one of the biggest hurdles to getting along? (It’s not what you think!) What should you do if the… [Continue Reading]
I’m reading a fascinating book that I wish EVERYONE could read about the nature of conflict between people called, “The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart with Conflict” by The Arbinger Institute. I was prompted to seek out an in-depth analysis of the nature of tough problems between stepmoms and moms because, I must admit,… [Continue Reading]
Here's a really cool idea, courtesy The Step Mom's Toolbox: on Mother's Day (Sunday, May 10th), send a card to the "other woman." Meaning, if you're the mom—send a card to the stepmom. And if you're the stepmom—send one to the mom. Madness, isn't it? Peg Nolan of The Stepmom's Toolbox is challenging 5,000 women… [Continue Reading]
(How did it go last week? Did you refrain from any unhelpful behavior, even once? Did you stop some of your negative thoughts mid-train? What did you discover?) Question for you, moving forward…. First, let's assume that you do indeed have some changes to make when it comes to creating a better relationship with the… [Continue Reading]
(Here’s a little experiment to try this week….) Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -Philo If you’re wanting to create a friendlier relationship with the mom or stepmom and aren’t sure where to start, first, consider doing something simple and stopping any subtly combative behavior. Is your voice tight when… [Continue Reading]
So what if you extended yourself with the mom or stepmom and it went poorly? What if you reached out to her and she screwed you? Or you were just going about your business when you suddenly realized, Whoa! That is totally unfair? Happens to all of us. Stepmom/mom scenarios are rife with little exploded… [Continue Reading]
Imagine if children young and old could speak in keen, poignant words about how parental conflict affects them – in terms that adults would not only understand, but get their attention as well. Then imagine that those words have been channeled into a book by a child psychologist who’s surely put in his years consoling… [Continue Reading]
Come back tomorrow, when we'll be reviewing "Keeping Kids Out of the Middle: Child-Centered Parenting in the Midst of Conflict, Separation and Divorce" by Benjamin Garber, PhD, sponsored by TLC Book Tours. Garber's got some great ideas for how parents can work together, during times when they'd be normally be pulling apart (and making the… [Continue Reading]
Man…. Have you ever just gotten to a point with the mom or stepmom where you're about to tear your hair out? Or you feel like you're melting into a tiny, hopeless, muddy puddle? Or like you're going to catch the curtains on fire through the sheer power of your anger alone? The chapter we're… [Continue Reading]
They’re a social lubricant, a path through the thorny woods, an accepted mechanism for interaction in the world of people, sometimes very obnoxious people. Manners…. Remember those? No matter where you are on the spectrum of ex-wife/stepmother relations, you can’t go wrong if you use the basics. Let’s say you’re stuck with Annoying Aunt Edna… [Continue Reading]
It’s all well and good to read here about our wonderful, happy blended family, or about other harmonious ex-wife/stepmother teams at equally brilliant, literate, incisive sites. But what if you really are struggling mightily with the stepmother or ex-wife in your life? What if you honestly, truly just CAN’T STAND the woman! Is “hate” too… [Continue Reading]
A question someone asked me before about these modern arrangements: how can anyone relate to our stories if everything seems so hunky-dory? If the average reader is struggling with their respective “other woman”, how the hell are they supposed to gain any solace from reading about our touchy-feely, slow-motion moments of perfection? The answer is… they’re… [Continue Reading]
It’s a nasty word, bitch. Fine, if you’re rightfully defending your kids against some injustice in the school system or you need to stubbornly not give up your seat on the bus or you’ve got a hellish journey ahead of you to do the right thing – then – who cares if anyone thinks you’re… [Continue Reading]
Consider two homes…. Same potential people. Totally different outcomes. Stomach-knotting relationship #1: The mother is running around, yelling at the kids to get their things ready, taking her anger at the stepmother out on her kids. She’s stressed because the house is a wreck after homework and school projects, too much to do at work… [Continue Reading]
Believe me, the irony of where I was and with whom was not lost on me. The last time I’d been here was about 17 yrs. ago when I was dating my ex-husband. Now, I was here with Carol, his wife, and their almost two year-old son, J. We were on a mission: find a… [Continue Reading]
So half the dog and pony show would be leaving the building. Fine. I could regroup — always do. Piece of cake, no problem. I stifled a rising sense of panic as I explained my dilemma by phone to my good friend Kim Lane (writer and publisher extraordinaire of AustinMama.com). Moments before, I had rewritten… [Continue Reading]
Recent Comments