No One's the Bitch

Top 10 Reasons for a Mother/Stepmother Relationship Revolution

(Angelina Eberly* / photo by Alan P. Van Dyke)

1. While our overall divorce rate has dropped down to 49%, a staggering 75% of remarriages involving children end in divorce.

2. Moms and stepmoms are desperate to escape the feeling that a perfect stranger is constantly trying to undermine them. Who IS this person, really? Do you know?

3. Now that nuclear families have become the minority family unit, we must learn how to create harmony in a radically-changed family landscape.

4. Aww, c’mon. It can’t really be as simple as “It’s all her fault! She truly IS a bitch!”

5. We owe it to the kids to work on this stuff after dragging them through the muck of a break-up.

6. Women are amazing at responding to genuine vulnerability and olive branches. Sometime it takes just one little break in the dam to set massive changes in motion....

7. Children see what it looks like when adults model maturity, problem-solving, and the mending of relationships—and then get to internalize these skills for themselves.

8. You are so-o-o going to love having both families on the same page—though the kids may sometimes hate it! Consistent rules and punishments between houses means they can’t as easily play one side against the other. Couldn't we all use a little more help parenting?

9. Our culture is hungry for a new family model after divorce and remarriage. Since divorce isn’t going away anytime soon, let’s consciously design an extended-family vision that inspires and motivates. What if this became the new "normal" to shoot for?

10. Contrary to popular opinion, families can actually be stronger and healthier after a divorce. Cooperative extended-families create stronger second marriages (thereby preventing another split-up), better parenting, more brainstorming power, happier children, and less hair loss all around.

• What did I miss?

• What has YOUR experience been?

(* When Sam Houston ordered his troops to steal the State archives in 1842 so that the city of Houston could be deemed the state capital, Angelina Eberly fired a cannon down Congress Avenue to rouse the residents of Austin and prevent the theft. She succeeded.

Statue by Australian political cartoonist and sculptor Pat Oliphant.)

Thanks for reading!

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine     All Rights Reserved

Linky-linky

There's a wonderful interview out in the Courier-Post (south Jersey area) by Kim Mulford, if you'd like to take a gander. It's called "Wicked? No Way?" and she was genuinely wonderful to talk to. She really "got" it!

And there was a lively conversation about stepmom/mom relationships over at Jacque Fletcher's blog, Becoming a Stepmom, regarding a No One's the Bitch book giveaway.... There are some heartening stories of cooperation and some stories of struggle and frustration (sometimes I feel like Carol and I really lucked out. Neither one of us seems certifiably crazy, but maybe we're just fooling ourselves).

And lastly, I'm in awe of the raw honesty Peggy Nolan is displaying on her site, The Step Mom's Toolbox. Read this article on Collusion and see if you recognize your gremlin-self anywhere....

And then after you've finished all this reading, I hope you'll take the day off and begin your three-day weekend early!

Enjoy!

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved

My fault? Your fault? It's GOT to be someone's!

Check out a lively conversation taking place over on The Step Mom's Toolbox at the moment. Peggy Nolan wrote three posts (One, Two and Three) about the element of self-deception and how it plays itself out as a stepmom, and just extended family relationships in general.

A funny conundrum: if you're unwilling to consider that anything YOU'RE doing may be part of the problem when it comes to conflict in your family, or between yourself and the mom or stepmom, then everything else you're going to try will fail!

Why is this?

Because you're missing a vital piece of information that will help you to see the situation accurately and take appropriate action. That would be YOU and what you're doing.

Focusing on your actions with humility and honesty is NOT the same thing as letting someone get away with murder or actively trying to make your life a living hell.

It's just about shouldering your share of the load, as you should be.

Whenever we hear someone bitching and moaning about their lousy relationship, a part of us always knows that, in some ways, they're feeding into the situation, however blindly. Right? Even if you love and adore that person, you still see it, agreed?

Same thing here.

How far are you going to get with someone if they refuse to see this dynamic in their own situation? It's like they're covering up one eye with their own hand, shouting about how the other person is making it hard for them to see!

Sure, the relationships between the two families after a divorce are fraught with crappy behavior - THAT GOES BOTH WAYS. But that doesn't mean we're off the hook when it comes to our own actions and how we're actually feeding the conflict monster?

THIS is the thing I keep trying to get at on our site (and probably clumsily, at that) - it's all this stuff! The louder folks try to shout about how it's really not their fault, it's the other person's, the more my heart sinks.

Determining whose fault it is really doesn't get us anywhere closer to solving the problem, does it? It just seems to strengthen the divide and make people feel even more hopeless. It makes them not try. It makes them batten down the hatches and bolster themselves against further attacks.

So see what you think....

And a few questions:

• What have you learned lately about how you might have been playing the game of war, while claiming it was all the other person's fault?
• What actual steps did you take that actually brought you some peace or progress?

I asked this at The Step Mom's Toolbox, but I'll ask it here again: if you'd be willing to share your experiences and insights with our readers, I want to talk to YOU! Drop me a line at marine2marine (at) gmail (dot) com.

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved

Summer fun

If you've got young, antsy kids driving you bananas and you're looking for alternatives to endless hours online or watching the boob tube, check out a fantastic new book called Mike Stellar: Nerves of Steel by a friend of mine, K.A. Holt.

Here's what Publisher's Weekly had to say about it:

Even though he lives in the year 2174, Mike Stellar is a fairly normal preteen: good-humored, slightly disgruntled when it comes to schoolwork and a bit of a troublemaker along with his hyper best friend Stinky (“the human embodiment of the word 'staccato’ ”). When his scientist parents announce that the family is moving to Mars without providing a reason, Mike’s detective work begins. He puts on a brave face (“I wanted to meet my fate like a man. Even if just a hyperventilating man in a shiny jumpsuit”), but is shaken by the changes and the sudden appearance of his parents’ assistant, creepy Mr. Shugabert, who watches his every step. As their spaceship Sojourner approaches “the Fold” in which the last shuttle was presumed destroyed (and Stinky’s brother lost), Mike and his odd new friend Larc gather clues and analyze who they can trust. Holt’s children’s book debut whizzes by at warp speed—the suspenseful plot and the precocious yet complex hero combine for a fun ride with a satisfying resolution. Ages 9–12.

You can find the book on Amazon here, or at your local bookstore.

And while you're at K.A. Holt's website, take a look at her links and then mosey on over to Make: technology on your time for more ideas for inside, or outside, summer fun.

Stay cool!

Like sands through the hourglass...

There's a short, but powerful post up at Becoming a Stepmom, by Jacquelyn Fletcher. She talks about the loss of control after a divorce and remarriage that everyone feels, no exceptions. And it's that loss of control that leads to fear, which can then lead to anger, which spills over into bad behavior and a sense of justification and... there you have the stress of a stepfamily, or a family headed by a single or remarried mom.

...A child loses control of their space and their things. Each visit they leave things behind or lose them under a bed.

A stepmother loses control of her home environment each time the children visit. Father’s lose control of the decisions that are made by their ex-wives about the children’s lives. Mothers lose control of their children when they leave for Dad’s house.

Everyone feels out of control, which equals FEAR. To begin alleviating fear, find ways to give everyone a sense that they have a say in what is happening in their lives.

Food for thought....

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved

New Press page up

Check out our updated list of recent coverage for No One's the Bitch! We've got upcoming interviews with a writer for the Huffington Post, Communication360, The Courier-Post (greater Philadelphia area) and WOCM-FM 98.1 in Maryland. Two of those are done and the writers are scribbling away, two more to go. We'll post links once we have them!

Last night's meeting was again, small, but impassioned. Really good to connect....Thanks to those of you that showed up and we hope to see you again!

 

(photo courtesy Austin Chronicle)

I think the next meeting in July will be held at House Wine in south Austin. More casual atmosphere and terrified attendees won't have to slip behind the curtains to go up the stairs at BookPeople while a reading is in progress. Plus, sometimes everything's better with a cold beer, a cheese plate and some olives, right?

Thanks for reading!

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine   All Rights Reserved

Free meeting tonight at 7:30!

Still struggling with the "other woman" in your life? Join the club!

We're (Carol and I) hosting another free meeting in Austin, TX tonight to help moms and stepmoms better understand each other and create the beginnings of a parenting partnership (yes, it is actually possible!).

We get along great now, but when we first met -- hoo boy. Can you say, "cats with raised back hair?" We can. Here's your opportunity to hear more dirt (isn't that the fun stuff?) about how bad it used to be, talk about what's going on with YOU, and brainstorm some helpful steps to take.

Third floor meeting room. Wine, tea and cookies provided. Sadly, no clown.

Details:
Tuesday, June 16, 7:30 - 9:00
BookPeople bookstore
603 North Lamar Blvd
Austin, Texas 78703
Store Phone: 512-472-5050

Please join us and feel free to sign up for our fledging Meetup group too.

Hope to see you there!

Cheers,
Carol and Jennifer

With eyes wide open - a new blog

Don't you love it when you stumble upon something new online that sucks you in right away?

Hop on over to With Eyes Wide Open, a new blog started by a stepmom who's trying to get her bearings after marrying only last month (though they've been together for five years). You'll see her wondering what she's gotten herself into, grateful for the love between her and her stepson (along with his mixed feelings), and grappling with a contentious ex-wife (but still trying to take responsibility for her feelings and make the best of it).

Anytime I see an online voice that's honest, self-aware, and willing to expose the real stuff -- fears, self-defeating behavior and all -- it always catches my eye.

An excerpt:

I have come to realize that no situation is alike. I can read every book, blog and website out there and, still, my experience cannot be compared to that of anyone else. And in my experience, I just want The Ex to like me.

Maybe it stems from my tormented middle school years. Maybe it stems from my naivete.

I don't want to be friends. But I do want to be able to ask her what to do when her son can't sleep. Or what he will actually eat for breakfast. Or send her a funny picture of him.

I want to run into her in the grocery store and, instead of her wheeling her cart around hurriedly to avoid me, pass by with an amicable "Hi."

I don't want to feel nauseous when I'm at the gym, or walking downtown, or anywhere I might run into her because I don't know how she'll react (one day, maybe next post, I'll explain why her reactions terrify me).

Check it out!

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine       All Rights Reserved

Mom/stepmom this and that

Yes, you too could be a winnah!
You've still got time to sign up for our mailing list and be entered into today's raffle. We'll also do one last drawing on Monday (everyone needs a little extra happiness on Mondays, right?). The mailing list may be used for announcements and new content that's not on the blog in the future, but for now, it's simply a repeat of the previous day's blog post. So if you hear an echo in your head, don't be alarmed!


(Copyright Jan Von Holleben)

Making Amazon "stickier"
Little request for our readers that would mean the world to us -- if you've read our book and are getting something out of it, would you mind posting a comment on Amazon? Amazon uses comment activity to decide whether to "glue" a book to another, in the form of "If you like 'Blah, Blah, Blah,' you might also like 'Blee, Blee, Blee'" recommendations -- and we could use all the help we can get to put the word out. The comment doesn't have to be all glowing and sparkly either, just honest is what counts.

Thanks in advance!

(Copyright Jan Von Holleben)

And since it's Friday and nobody's really working at their worky-workplace, we thought we'd send you off into the weekend with some fun pictures by London/Berlin-based photographer extraordinaire Jan Von Holleben from his Dreams of Flying series. Must be so fun thinking through the right body poses to convey tension, a sense of movement, etc.

(Copyright Jan Von Holleben)

Don't you wish you would have thought of this idea yourself? Maybe you could try the idea at home with your kids or stepkids.... If you do, send us a pic and we'll post it on the site.

And don't forget, our next free meeting is at BookPeople this coming Tuesday. We hope you'll join us.... And there's a new Meetup group for it too, so hop on the hayride.

A happy weekend to you!

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine     All Rights Reserved

Erasing the enemy - Part Two

(If you missed Part One, it's here.)

The stepmother clicked the button to end the call before it started ringing. Then she took a deep breath and began to dial again. She stopped halfway, remembering some of the worst verbal insults that had made their way back to her, some of the angry and hateful facial expressions—all the ugliness that the mom obviously hadn’t had any problems tossing her way.

She looked over at the magical little blue book that had prompted all this, sitting innocently on her nightstand, and she frowned at it. This is all your fault, you stupid thing. You have no idea what I’m up against.....

She set the phone down and thought about all the things she needed to get done around the house. Her mind turned to an automatic inventory of the fridge, what she needed to get from the store, then it wandered to the laundry room, the bathrooms. How were they doing on toilet paper?

The blue book sat there, waiting. Oh fine, she huffed to herself and picked it up, opening it in the middle.

A heart of war needs enemies to justify its warring. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace.

She thought back to her original impulse, her knees clacking against each other under the table as she and the mom faced each other with nothing more than two steaming cups of liquid for defense.

She stared out the window for a few moments, her mind blank and empty. Then she dialed the number again.

“Hello?”

There it was. That voice. She hated this woman, after all she’d done to them. What in God’s name was she doing calling her? Her husband was going to kill her. Her heart was pounding a thousand miles a hour, her chest suddenly felt tender. She needed more air. And dammit, she knew when she opened her mouth she was going to sound nervous.

She cleared her throat. “Yeah, um—hey. It’s me.”

What a rude way to start a phone call, thought the mom. No surprise there. This had better be quick. And why wasn’t HE calling her instead? Something must be up. She checked her watch.