Feeling your way into potential stepmotherhood? Are you dating a divorced man with kids and things are looking promising? Here are a few ideas for setting a healthy course from the very beginning that will make you thank yourself later.

Bond over the good stuff, not the bad.
Don’t make a part of your bonding experience with your guy bitching about the ex-wife. Know that part of his motivation in doing this is to prove to YOU that you’re the one he’s fully choosing. SHE didn’t work out because she was simply the wrong woman. And in all honesty, like any human being, he’s also probably projecting some of his issues onto her because he’s clueless about how to fix them.

While pillow talk often involves an analysis of what went wrong in previous relationships so you can talk about how you want to do things differently now, don’t let yourself get sucked into the kind of gossip that only makes things worse in the long run.

You don’t need to knock down one person to raise up another (and you
wouldn’t want him doing this to you later if things ended up not working out,
right?). Avoid it. Gossip is a habit and it creates a crappy energy that is cumulative and has momentum. The last thing you need is a growing pile of dog shit in the corner of your bedroom!

Meet her.
Yes, I’m advocating walking into the enemy’s camp and introducing yourself, but hey, she was once just a person too — someone that your partner loved enough to marry. Maybe she’s not so bad after all. Be adult enough to form your own conclusions about who she is, instead of simply taking someone else’s word for it. And that means talking to her on the phone, or if you live in the same town, meeting her face-to-face. Everyone has a phone. Pick it up and call her!

This suggestion may sound insane, but hey, we live in crazy times. We are SURROUNDED by divorced families and stepfamilies and that isn’t going to change. If that’s the case, then it’s time to start approaching these situations from a brand-new, radical perspective. Let’s head off problems pre-emptively, instead of dealing with the same old, same old. Be a revolutionary and muster some bravery!

Set some healthy parameters.
Introduce yourself. Tell her you know this is an awkward situation — for both of you. Tell her you’re not interested in turning the kids against her or keeping any conflict going between she and her ex (and then don’t!). Tell her you’re committed to staying out of the middle and letting them work through whatever they might need to, without someone gossiping about her and feeding into the score-keeping.

Tell her you’d like to work together to make this the easiest it can be for the kids. Tell her you’d like to be helpful and flexible and hope she will be in return. Who knows? Maybe you can even create a subtle, healthy competition to see who can act with the most consideration, clear communication and good manners. When people are treated with kindness, warmth and respect, they often respond in kind. Be stubborn about acting this way.

Rise above the fray.
If you take the high road, you have the potential to create a real ally in the ex-wife. What’s going to raise her ire (and sense of resistance and revenge) is knowing you two are noting every fault and shortcoming of hers. If you make it clear that you are going to refrain from doing that, she’ll know she can trust you to act with maturity and foresight.

Part of you may feel like you’re going to be letting your BF/husband down if you don’t bitch and vent with him about her, but trust me, you’ll feel so much better about yourself. You’ll create the space and integrity to maintain peace and cooperation between households over the long run — and that’s a huge contribution you can make to your immediate family and to the extended family as a whole.

• What did I leave out?
• What’s your experience been?
• Who’s had some successes along these lines and what worked for you?

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved