Mother's Day, Red Doors and Catfights
Unless you were born in a test tube and don’t own a TV or read the newspapers, you’re probably well aware that Mother’s Day will soon be upon us.
If you’re a stepmother, how do you feel about this holiday? Are you ever acknowledged for the contributions you make to your stepchildren’s lives? Do you feel taken for granted? Celebrated? Resented? Loved? Do you feel like there’s a place for you too on Mother’s Day?
If you’re the mother in a mother/stepmother situation, what’s your take on Mother’s Day? Should this be "your day" only, or is there room in there for both of you? How do you feel about the contributions your children’s stepmother makes to their lives? Do you begrudgingly feel like she makes one, or is that option off the table altoghter?
I’m asking questions here, but I’m hoping that at least SOME folks will answer us on our message boards, which for some reason continue to be deader than a row of doorknobs. We were suitably baffled by this phenomenon until an astute stepmom friend offered this analysis: perhaps people don’t feel comfortable talking about the down-n-dirty stuff because they’re not "as far along as you two". As if you have to already have resolved your issues before you have the right to share, post, vent, etc.
WRONG!!!
We want to hear from folks. We know there are a lot of you out there and some of you even write to us privately. Jump in the pond! Thrash about in public! Vent away! (not endlessly, that gets old, you know what we mean)
It’s not like Carol and I are perfect (this is Jennifer speaking, in case that’s not obvious). For instance, today we’re going to get our picture taken so we can include it in our book proposal and my knees are already shaking. What are we going to look like after we have our regular knock-down, drag-out, Dynasty-style catfight where we both end up in a pool, mascara streaking?
Not so great, I’m guessing.
But Carol’s younger, so she’ll probably look better no matter what.
Seriously, at least we both get to commiserate about getting ready and what colors we’re going to wear against a red door so that we don’t clash and make (eventual) readers pass out or have photosensitive-induced seizures. And I would imagine that makes it sound like we’re the of best friends and those are the biggest problems we have. And I’m not here to tell you that we actually have MUCH bigger problems, because, actually, yes, we are doing pretty well, together. But hey, we have personal issues — lots of them!, just like anyone. But now I’m rambling and talking in circles, so please, you have to help me by getting in there and talking to us and each other.
Think of all the other women who would love to connect with YOU!
And early wishes for a Happy Mother’s Day….
7 comments:
Rhonda
said…
I do believe that the step-mothers should have a
moment of glory. I’m appreciative of the step-mother to my children, no matter
how much I dislike her. However, Mother’s Day is MY day. My children still give
her gifts and whatnot the last day of visitation to that house, but not on the
official holiday.
karl
said…
Hey, I saw the photos and think that they are
really nice. David is a good photographer and both you and Carol are good
subjects.
Kerry said…
As a StepMom of a 7 yr old little boy, I feel that
stepmoms SHOULD BE RECOGNIZED on M-Day (just as stepdads should on F-Day).
Children are much wiser than we give them credit for – - they know who
"Mom" & "Dad" are.
I’ve been in my SS’s life since he was 2 1/2, however I’ve only been a StepMom
for the last 3 yrs (my husband & I were married in 2004).
I’ve never misrepresented myself or my relationship to my SS. (Some naturally
assume that I am "Mom", because they see me & "Dad"
with our son more than they do "Mom" & also because the 3 of us
have the same last name, whereas "Mom" chose to retain her maiden
name when she & my husband divorced.)
I’ve never tried to take the place of "Mom". That being said,
"Mom" is constantly threatened by me & my relationship with
"her son".
It’s a constant battle for me & "Dad" for me to be a part of our
son’s life when he’s not with us. Mom doesn’t want me involved in any part of
his life, school, doctor’s visits, etc. & she certainly doesn’t want me to
be recognized on M-Day.
The visitation agreement doesn’t specify for M-Day & F-Day, & in the
past when M-Day fell on our weekend, we extended the courtesy to Mom to spend
time with her son, with the hopes that when F-Day fell on her weekend she’d do the
same for Dad.
In the past, Mom worked a retail job which required her to work on M-Day, so
Dad & I usually asked to spend the time with our son until Mom got out of
work(We dropped him off to her at her job so she’d be able to spend as much
time as possible b4 he had to go to bed).
Last year was the first year that Mom did not have to work M-Day. My husband
and I suggested that Mom meet us out at a local restaurant for breakfast/brunch
before she took our son for the day. She agreed. It was a nice time. We all got
along well, and nobody felt left out.
Since it went so well, I made the suggestion again this year. I had my husband
check with Mom first to see what her plans for M-Day were, so that we didn’t
step on any toes. She told my husband that she had none and she graciously
accepted the invitation knowing full well that reservations were being made for
brunch. (This was 2 weeks prior to M-Day).
2 days prior to M-Day, she begged off saying that she wanted to pick our son up
btween 9:30am-10am (knowing that the reservation was for 11am – the earliest
seating) so she could spend "the whole day with him". Dad stood his
ground and said that she could have him after brunch. In all actuality we left
the decision up to our son. We asked him what he wanted to do & he said he
wanted to go with us. Needless to say Mom was not happy & we’ve had to deal
with her wrath ever since.
Dorraine
said…
This is my first year with my two step-sons, so I
didn’t push the issue in the slightest. They were going to be at their Mom’s
for that day, I never mentioned anything to my fiance, and I let the day
quietly slip past. Frankly, I felt dreadfully uncomfortable with the idea of
being acknowledged. I’m still new enough here that I feel more like a
babysitter than "step-mom." As time moves forward, though, I suspect
that the situation here will become rather similar to that of Kerry’s post. I
hope not, but that seems to be the precident that’s been set already in this
past 8 months since my full-time arrival.
I have a question, though I’m not sure if you will have any help to offer on
it.
For years now, the boys’ mother has cut their hair at home with her own clippers/scissors.
She has no professional training and frequently makes mistakes. The boys both
express extreme distress as the time for haircuts approaches. Last November,
when the oldest was getting kindof shaggy again, he asked me if I might be able
to trim his hair for him. "Well, sure," I responded, at that time
completely unaware of the situation, "but I don’t have any scissors. I’ll
check at the store on Saturday to see if I can buy some and do it on the
weekend," I told him. I feel I should mention that I am professionally
trained as a hairdresser, and although I no longer practice the art, I have
studied it.
Well, the boys, at that time, attended a daycare where their mother was head
care worker. The eldest mentioned to her that he’d asked me to cut his hair,
and so my fiance got a nasty phonecall where I was forbidden from cutting
either of the boys’ hair. "That’s the Mom’s job," she told him.
Personally, I feel it’s the hairdresser’s job. I would very willingly refrain
from cutting their hair, myself, but we should be able to take them to a barber
if they need a trim. Nope, not even that’s allowed, apparently. It was the
first of many sticking points she chose to stand on.
I wouldn’t even care, except that it’s embarassing for the boys. She cuts their
fringes crooked and leaves patches too short, and our eldest, after this
encounter, came back from his 2 weeks at his mom’s with the most ghastly bowl
cut and wearing his mother’s hair dye colour. We had to skip Christmas pictures
because he was so embarassed.
Do you have any suggestions on how to broach the subject again, and perhaps
convince her to let us take the boys to a barber?
Carol
Marine said…
As the step-mom of two girls (12 & 16), I was
honestly shocked when on my first mother’s day with them they showered me with
gifts. I don’t think it was the ACTUAL day, but that’s not important to me
anyway. As they’ve gotten older they tend to forget more often than not, but I
never take offense. I tend to think of it as the mom’s day. If they acknowledge
me, it’s a bonus. Mother’s Day is a man-made holiday and if the girls care for
me they show it in other ways all throughout the year. And vice-versa.
–
I’d also like to respond here specifically to Dorraine about the hair-cutting
issue. I had a similar issue years ago. My SD’s mother cut bangs all out of
wack (sorry Jen), and let the rest grow so long it was generally a tangled mess
that I was asked to brush when SD was at our house, with her crying the whole
time.
When I was 5, my mother said brush your own hair or it’s coming off – I didn’t,
it came off. Sure, it’s tough love, but it’s practical. I was happier anyway -
less hair to get in my face. So when SD was 6 or 7 and still not brushing her
own hair, my suggestion to the mom was to compromise and cut it shortER so it
wasn’t so hard to brush. I can’t remember exactly how it was said or what her
reaction was other than generally resistant, but she finally agreed and I did
it.
I have had SOME hair-cutting experience, and both the mom and SD were happy
with the cut. I have since cut both SD’s hair on several occassions. Now they
get it cut proffessionally because they are style conscious and I’m not THAT
good.
My advice to you, Dorraine, is to suggest to the mom to let you try it once and
see how she likes it. The boys are obviously getting to the point where they
are embarrassed, and you might point out (or better, have your husband) that
she is hurting her kids’ self-esteem with her cuts. IF she still refuses, give
up. Tell the kids that you’d like to but they’ll have to work it out with their
mom. There are some things you’ll never be able to change, and that’s one thing
I’ve learned thoroughly from being a step-mother for 7 years. They’re not your
kids, which means 1. the real mom/dad have the final say, 2. you don’t have the
final responsibility for them. You know?
I noticed something interesting in the comments to
the original post. The step-moms who are in on this conversation appear to be
parenting for the first time. I didn’t read any mention of blending their
children’s lives with the lives of their step-children. Could that have
something to do with the ways the issues and boundaries arise?
Without benefit of having done their own personal parenting, these moms are
being called on to navigate parenting issues. That’s got to be tough.
Jill
Davis Doughtie said…
Where is the forum? I am having trouble finding it.
