Erasing the enemy – Part Two

14 Responses to “Erasing the enemy – Part Two”

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  1. Peg Nolan says:

    Shazam woman! You’ve hit a home run with this two part article!
    I bow to your awesomeness :-)
    Standing Ovation.
    Love,
    Peggy

  2. Janelle Caminker says:

    You’ve hit the nail on the head. From the crippling fear and anxiety (which, in hindsight, seems incredibly silly, but both the shortness of breath and heart palpitations do indeed occur!), to the questions of “Why not…?” or “What if…?” that pry my brain away from normal, every day thoughts and tasks, you’ve said it all! From where I stand, this story – that is reflectant upon many of our own personal circumstances – highlights the most difficult step to make. It truly would be easier to think or say “Just forget it…” and continue being guarded and defensive. But once you’re over the first hurdle, the small glimmer of hope and tiny pang of curiousity is like a sigh of relief after barely treading dangerous waters for so long. You can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel may be very long – even dark and cold at times – but the light is still there, guiding you along your way.
    As always, many thanks for all you do!

  3. Cynthia says:

    Great article…it must take a ton of courage to make that call. I would be interested to know the flip side of this experience…the other “mom” is not receptive to the invite or the phone call. It would feel like the one and only time the subject would be approached…so where does one go from the point of rejection by the other person?

  4. Jennifer says:

    Thanks, Peggy! I was wearing my magical Shazam ring when I wrote it. (Remember that guy’s hair from the series? I’m dating myself…. Not literally. :-)

  5. Jennifer says:

    Wow, I loved hearing all those details, Janelle. Beautiful! Who took the initiative in your situation?
    And you’re right about that “first hurdle.” If you can just make a tiny bit of progress up the hill, suddenly you get a little view of the horizon to spur you on. Not that it’s all perfect from there, but I think that first step is the hardest.

  6. Jennifer says:

    Cynthia, I’m sure there are plenty of situations where it actually *doesn’t* go so well the first time (and I’m not even sure this could be considered “well” in the story above, since I was trying to show how volatile the situation can be).
    Kind of reminds me of a marriage. When there are problems and one person starts “trying,” or makes an effort to change their behavior for the better, it’s not the other person just suddenly embraces them with open arms and all the problems are solved. There’s still leftover suspicion, resentment, score-keeping, etc. You’ve got to keep at it, even though in trying you make yourself vulnerable to more injury and hurt feelings.

  7. Janelle Caminker says:

    Thanks, Jennifer! I took the initiative in my situation – more than once, even! Patience and persistence definitely pays off. You may not receive instant gratification, but good things come to those who wait! :)

  8. Jennifer says:

    Janelle, so just out of curiosity, how would you characterize her resistance to you, on a scale of 1-10? Anything you can point to that you think made a big difference? And how did you deal with it when things didn’t go so well?
    Questions, questions…. :-)

  9. Janelle Caminker says:

    It’s hard to give it a concrete number, because as we all tend to over-exaggerate the reality of the situation due to all the key reasons of self-preservation you’ve mentioned in your book, my instinct is scream out “100!” – at least on the onset of the situation. Even now after getting over the initial “hurdle” it’s difficult to say as it’s still very new and fresh. I think what made the most difference was pure honesty – I let down my guard and opened up about my feelings – doubts, fears, and insecurities – as an attempt to prove my desire for “peace”, while reaffirming the care, concern, and love I have for my stepdaughter. I wanted it to be known that I have nothing but her best interests at heart. Like I said before, patience and persistence is what ultimately paid off in the end.

  10. Jennifer says:

    Cool. Good for you for hanging in there!
    I love how you were brave enough to be vulnerable. It’s ironic that vulnerability can be so powerful, huh? I tried to get at the fear we all have about doing that with some of the jokes I made here (turtleneck of steel), but I also know worrying about whether the other person is going to pounce on you is a very real impediment to creating change.
    Thanks for sharing!

  11. Cynthia says:

    correction:
    Thank you for your comment Jennifer. I will wait until the feeling of fear and dread pass. It will happen if it is meant to be. Patience has always paid off…

  12. Magdalena says:

    Well, I’m really late to this, but I just recently found this website. I love what you’re doing here in trying to promote peace and cooperation between the two households the kids are now a part of. You’d think it would be easier for women since we tend to be naturally (or just more openly) more compassionate and nurturing. But I guess jealousy and competitiveness are just as strong in us.

    I love your story and how much you use humor in your writing. And I do think in this example things went well. The volatility plays a big part, but the fact that the mom agreed is a huge step in the right direction.

    I’ve run the gamut of emotions toward the mom in my life (2 stepkids), from understanding (of her initial sadness, anger, fear, etc.) to anger and hate, after continual unpleasant encounters. Looking back, I had extended the olive branch many times through actions and at least a couple of times directly through several notes along the way. I put myself out there, wrote from the heart, and showed my vulnerability. I admitted mistakes, apologized to her, and tried to build a bridge that would make it easier for her to take even one step toward me. I have been met with alternately animosity and coldness.

    I could not bring myself to make that phone call because I know what the result would be. If she actually picked up, the second she realized what was coming out of my mouth was not, “Your children are hurt and the only reason I’m the one calling is because their father has been rendered mute – and has broken both thumbs so he couldn’t text,” she would most likely hang up. Maybe she would threaten to take me to court, which seems to be her go-to in any situation that makes her unhappy. She insists that I have no place trying to communicate with her at all.

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