Mayra (the mom) and Jesica (the stepmom) from the D.C. area tell us their story….

What were some of the biggest problems you USED to have with each other?

Mayra: She was doing too much to try and be the “Mommy.” I felt that when I talked to the kids, they would paint a certain picture. They felt pressured to call her mom, because she would get mad if they didn’t.

Instead of approaching the situation in a calm manner, I would yell at my children’s father about her and instantly become aggressive. Another issue as well, as childish as this may sound, was I did not like it when my daughter kissed her on the lips. To me, that’s something only a biological parent should be doing. I hated the feeling I had when I saw that close connection with them, to be honest. I don’t think I was ready to accept that close affection they shared.

I also had issues with the fact that she would do little things to pester me, such as take my daughter’s hair out after I did it, because as the kids told me “She didn’t like it.” Little things like that….

Jesica: For me, it was this person trying to tell me what I could and could no longer do with the kids, or alone with the kids, because I wasn’t their parent. Things that I was so used to doing prior to that were being taken away from me. Parental alienation was normal around the kids—it was like a tug of war. Who was going to win the kids over by buying them what they wanted or giving them what they needed? A big problem was them calling me Mommy, or me showing up for school events or doctor’s visits.

What made you think it might be possible for things to change for the better? Were there little things that caught your attention? Big things?

Mayra: I sat down with my children and asked them how they honestly felt about her. I told them I wouldn’t be mad or sad. I needed to know what they felt and that’s when my kids told me, “She’s nice to us, Mom—we like her and love her.” Prior to having that conversation, I felt that she was “making them” scared, to the point that they had no other choice but to like her!

To hear that come from my kids, in their own words, made me realize I needed to put all the crap away and deal with her, to work it out with her. But the biggest sign I saw was when we were all at the kids’ school due to a difficult issue. It was the way we were able to put it all aside, work well in the same room, and not have any conflict.

Jesica: I just want to say first that prior to now, we did have a period in which we got along. I had taken a six-month break from my husband (boyfriend at the time) and she and I started to talk, because I wanted to see the kids. After he and I got back together, we stopped talking. I guess she saw it as a betrayal or something.

This time around, what made me think it was possible was after my husband and I got married recently. (We’ve known each other for 6 years.) She allowed the kids to come to our wedding, which I thought she would try and sabotage, but she didn’t. Then for Easter, they got Easter baskets from our house and took them home, and she told my husband to thank me because they were nice. These were the little signs. Not very big ones, because soon after, it was back to the same old drama.

There was one big turning point and it was on a day in which there was a crisis in my six year-old stepdaughter’s school. There was a bully we’d been having issues with almost all year long. I was around the corner when my husband called, so I picked him up, and we met with his ex-wife at the school. Although I’m sure in her head she was wondering why I had to be there, she actually picked up her cup of courage and asked me how I was doing. I was so shocked I said “What?!” and she said, “Come on, okay? I’m trying!” I turned beet red in shock.

From there, I knew there might be a possibility we could make this work. As long as it didn’t just last for that one day! They say sometimes tragedy can bring people together. I think here that statement rings true.

How did you reach out to the other woman? Were you scared? Was she (from what you could tell)?

Mayra: I reached out at the school. It was awkward being there and talking to their dad and completely ignoring her, so I sucked it up and genuinely asked her, “How’re you doing?” and from there the conversation flowed.. She was shocked at first, I could tell. She asked me, “What?” and I replied “Look, I’m trying….”

Jesica: Although she doesn’t know it, I reached out by buying your book. I was scared as to how she would receive it. (In the beginning of the book, it talks about how both sides are jealous and sad and feel like we are in mourning. These were the things that I was sure she would find hard to admit to anyone or even herself!) So I had my husband pretend as though he was buying it for her as a Mother’s Day gift, and he told her that he had bought me one too. I thought she would throw it away or toss it somewhere, but never actually read it.

I feel as though I’ve always been the one more willing to try and work things out, but I do think she was scared to speak to me. Maybe “scared” is the wrong word—let’s say nervous. She and I have a lot in common and our faces are pretty easy to read. She was beet red too when she asked me how I was doing. That is how I knew she was being sincere. Had it been a cold and careless question, she wouldn’t have looked nervous or been blushing when she spoke to me.

What do you think made her willing to meet you halfway?

Mayra: Being honest, I think that she was willing to meet me half way a long time ago. It was me who wasn’t willing to try…. I like to do things on my own time, not on anyone else’s. So I guess when I was finally willing to meet her halfway, she had been ready.

It seems that ever since that day, we’ve been on the same page and are trying to work with each other, not against each other. We’re willing to compromise some of our wants in order to move forward…. We stopped being selfish!

Jesica: Honestly, I think it’s just been so long that we were both tired. Tired of hating each other and nit-picking at everything! It’s exhausting! For the past several years, we’ve been doing it with a passion to the point that I found ways to bring her up everyday.

Even when the kids weren’t around, I thought of different things to bring up and I’m sure it was the same on her side. My husband got tired of it. I got tired of it. I got depressed about it. (I’ve never been to a doctor to confirm this, but I know I was.)

I got tired of seeing how the kids were changing in a negative way. I could tell that they were more sensitive, and less eager to keep going back and forth across the battle lines. I think she finally hit a point where she realized that what she was doing was not benefiting the kids either—and she was over it. When we first started our feud, I was 19-20, and she was 22-23. We’re older and more mature now. All in all, most of what made us change has to do with the kids.

Were there any mistakes you were making before that you’re willing to admit that kept this from happening?

Jesica: Yes. I constantly threw it in her face that she was gone for a period of time and wasn’t consistently in their lives. What I said to her were truths, but I didn’t have to throw them in her face. I constantly reminded her of why the kids loved me and what I did for them that she never did, or could never do because it was too late (for example, potty- training my stepdaughter). I told her that my house was my house and our rules are our rules. It could have been said in a better manner.

The kids would constantly tell us things like, “Mommy said _____,” and I would just say “Well, tell Mommy I don’t care,” or something of that nature. I should’ve just kept my comments to myself, or to my husband. I would do things that a mother would do, but I never consulted her about it, only with my husband.

Mayra: I can admit I let my anger and insecurity blind me from moving forward. I was scared that the kids would like her more than me. I learned that they love her and like her, but I am Mommy and will always be Mommy in their life and no one can take that special bond from me and my kids….. I have learned to share them instead of being selfish and possessive. One can never go wrong with so much love!

How are things between you now?

Mayra: Things are great and peaceful….. There is no more of “that Effin Bitch” flying around. And no anger…. It feels awesome to have an extra partner in our lives to help raise the kids.

Jesica: Things are great right now. The kids are constantly bringing up how we are getting along and how happy they are about it.

We actually spent time together for the first time this past Friday with the kids—she, my husband and I. We went and got my stepson’s hair cut. She and I were there before he arrived. We were talking and laughing and we felt a little awkward, but it will get easier with time.

We’ve been texting and communicating as well. We haven’t just been brushing it off as if this is some easy task. She and I have talked a little about the kids, and how she and I feel about speaking with each other. It has been said that we need to make it work this time and make it last. We both agree no one is going anywhere and that the more love the kids get, the better.

She and I agreed that we need to talk things out and make things happen. We both even admitted that we feel happier now. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and the anxiety is almost gone.

My only concerns now are that we try not to let small things get in the way and let our emotions run wild. I’m actually doing things with her in mind, so that I don’t offend her, and I can only say I’m hoping she’s doing the same.

Are there any things that you’re looking forward to more, now that you’ve begun to heal your relationship?

Mayra: I look forward to a lot of things. Trips at school, trips out of school and birthday parties and holidays together. Even time with her, hanging out as adults…. We were friends at one point and I’d like to gain that back.

Jesica: I am looking forward to sharing BIRTHDAYS! It used to be so sad when a birthday would fall on her day and we wouldn’t see them. I cannot wait to finally be able to have a birthday party for the kids and not worry about her being there, or vice-versa. We have yet to throw them a party because of it.

I look forward to maybe in the future taking field trips together and hanging out by ourselves, without the kids. (Yes I can see us getting there. Like I said before, she and I actually do have a lot of things in common.)

I also look forward to doing “future firsts” with the kids and not having the stress of them feeling like they have to choose who they talk to—or don’t. I’m looking forward to the kids being happy. The End!

One question for Mayra only….

In many ways, the power to create a cooperative mom/stepmom relationship lies with the mom, because she has so much authority as the mother of the children. In your opinion, why aren’t more moms willing to make it work with the stepmoms?

Mayra: I think that moms are not willing to work it out because they are afraid and feel like something is being taken away from them. I totally understand that, but ladies, remember: you are their MOM and will always be their MOM and sometimes… sharing is caring!

What advice would you give other moms or stepmoms who are having a hard time?

Mayra: Give it a chance, don’t close the door without trying first. Put aside your personal feelings and pay attention to what your kids want. Sometimes your own feelings will blind you.

Jesica: Part of me honestly thought that she really just was the biggest Bitch!! Your book helps. I can give advice, but every situation is different. Most women run on emotions and put up their walls, waiting for an attack. Mothers are very protective of their children and stepparents are just looking to love the children as well.

My advice is simple. Try not to purposely step on anyone’s toes. Communicate. Maybe the other person doesn’t know you want to get along. Maybe one or both adults think you are trying to take the kid(s) away from them. What ever the case may be, as hard as it might be: try.

You may even try several times without your attempts being acknowledged, but as long as you try, then there’s a chance. You don’t have to be best friends, you don’t even have to like each other. You do, however, have to work with each other if you want the kids to be happy.

Ultimately when you see how happy the kids are, you’ll realize how much more happy you are. Trust me when I say that the stress and anger and frustration built up in you will go away and you will feel sooo much better—so much, it’s almost indescribable.

Thanks so much, Mayra and Jesica! And we’re happy for you too!

Fascinating stuff.

Will was married to Sheree Zampino for four years (1992-95) and they have a 17 year-old son named Trey. She is now married to former San Diego Chargers player, Pastor Terrell Fletcher. Will and Jada also have two children, actor Jaden (11) and singer Willow (10).

Oprah: …And speaking of extended family, everybody’s here. Both grandmothers are here—

Jada: Yep, we got Kyle, my brother; we got Sheree, that’s Trey’s mama… and her husband, Pastor Terrell.

Oprah: And so, obviously—obviously, everybody gets along and you all made a conscious effort for that to happen.

Will: Absolutely.

Oprah: Especially when there has been a previous relationship and a child….

Jada: Yep—

Oprah: Why did you make that decision? We’ve talked about this before, I think this is powerful—

Jada: Well, actually Sheree and I both had to make that decision, because at the end of the day… we had Trey. And that had to be the primary focus, our primary, uh… you know, just: what does HE need? And so we had to put aside our own craziness—

Oprah: Your stuff—

Jada: Our stuff, and you know, all the baggage that comes with it. And she and I just had to focus on, what does he need.

Oprah: (to Sheree): Was there a talk about that?

Jada: Oh… we had plenty. (She and Sheree laugh, Sheree nods.)

Sheree: We did, we did… It took—it took a minute, but we got it. And we realized (gesturing to she and Will, smiling), we had our chance. Now it’s about these kids.

Jada: Right, right….

Oprah: (to Will): Could you speak to the ex-wives of America and tell them that?

(general laughing)

Jada: You know, I wish! And oftentimes—

Oprah: ‘Cause so many people are holding on to “what could have been….”

Jada: And the thing about it is, (simultaneously with Oprah:) the kids suffer.

Oprah: Yes. Yes—

Jada: And at the end of the day, it’s like… we have to let go of our own selfish desires, our own selfish needs and we have to look: What? What can we do to facilitate the group? And what can we do to facilitate the children, who—ultimately—they’re our future!

Oprah: They’re your future….

(Sheree nods vigorously.)

I know for many stepmoms here, I’m preaching to the choir. You’ve TRIED to make it better with the bio-mom and have been rebuffed more times than you care to count. Or maybe you’ve just stopped trying.

Or maybe you’re a mom and feel like you’re forever dealing with a stepmom who seems bent on outshining you in the motherhood department. Fun, huh?

Either way, notice Jada’s emphasis on how it was a decision both she and Sheree made to work together.

And most importantly, please note her admission that there’s baggage and “stuff” on both sides, but they each found a way to operate from a higher sense of purpose.

The kids’ well-being.

Your thoughts?

(Photo credit to The Dougie. Oprah transcripts from Harpo Inc., All Rights Reserved).

© 2010 Jennifer Newcomb Marine    All Rights Reserved

(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum.)

Further Reading:

• A Tiny Bridgemaker – Part One and Part Two
• Painting the New American Landscape, with Numbers
• Tender Underbellies
• Erasing the Enemy – Part 1 and Part 2
• What if you’ve been betrayed?
• How to stop hating the ex-wife or stepmother in your life – our story

Some very thorough information there that might apply to your situation — whether you’re a mom or stepmom….

Thanks to all the women that participated and to Brenda Ockun for setting this up and inviting me!

“…An epidemic can be reversed, can be tipped, by tinkering with the smallest details of the immediate environment. This is, if you think about it, quite a radical idea.”

-Malcolm Gladwell, The Tipping Point

Okay, so I’m a little late to the party, but I just starting reading Malcolm Gladwell’s “The Tipping Point” and I can’t put it down. For anyone who’s not familiar with the book, it’s about how ideas, trends, and social behavior cross a certain threshold and spread like wildfire.

Like Pollyanna, I’m still stubbornly holding out hope that one day, folks will not only be expected to create a new “extended dual-family” after divorce and remarriage, they’ll essentially know how.

C’mon people, you can do it!

Okay…

So maybe we’re not there quite yet as a society.

Perhaps one reason has to do with the Broken Windows theory I just read about in Chapter Four. During the eighties, New York City was at the height of its crime rate. Suddenly, the crime rate dropped dramatically in the early 1990s.

Why was this?

The theory is that if you have an environment where it LOOKS like no one cares or is in charge (a bunch of random, broken windows), then human behavior follows accordingly. This was illustrated by the prevalence of graffiti and rampant fare-beating on New York subways. Trash was everywhere. The cars weren’t adequately heated or cooled. Lighting was poor. You were taking your life into your own hands just to use public transportation!

Proponents of the Broken Windows theory figured one of the first things they had to do was change the impression that crime was basically “okay.” So… contrary to standard wisdom, two visionaries from the Transit Authority and the Transit Police Dept. focused on eliminating the graffiti and catching fare jumpers, first thing. New graffiti tags were cleaned off trains at the end of their lines, before they turned around and went back out. Gate jumpers were collected, en masse, and made to wait by the ticket gates before being taken down to the station, as a public show that police meant business.

It worked!

There were other factors that contributed to the drop in crime, such as a booming economy, an aging criminal population, and a drop in the illegal trade of crack cocaine, but basically, these two simple steps had a huge impact.

Suddenly, the environment signaled a sweeping sea change—and people paid attention.

And then it occurred to me: many dual-families after divorce and remarriage are also living in a Broken Windows environment, although the broken windows are only figurative.

What are the signs and symbols of this breakdown?

The lack of manners!

The lack of civility.

The lack of common human courtesy.

I’m not sure what created the idea that it’s okay not to say hello between moms and stepmoms, between ex-husband and ex-wife, between stepchild and stepmom, but this is where we find ourselves.

Not to make eye contact.

Not to say please and thank you.

Not to acknowledge extra efforts, not to be a little more flexible, just from a sense of kindness and generosity.

To paraphrase the Talking Heads, how did we get here?

Maybe the divorce created an emotionally negative precedent that the two families never recuperated from? Maybe when the first marriage broke down, that psychic “wrenching away” from each other pushed both exes so far apart that they stayed there, due to overheated and overwhelming, unprocessed emotions?

Whatever the cause, not being treated with kindness or good manners is hugely offensive to most of us. We are social creatures attuned to extremely subtle social cues and are mostly in agreement about the standards with which we are supposed to treat each other.

A store clerk is expected to grunt their way through a “Hello, how are you,” even if they are in the worst mood of their lives. When we stand in line and are not greeted, when the grocery store cashier is more interested in an animated conversation with the bagger, or clearly wishes they could walk off their job that day, we can feel the slight, because that’s what we’ve evolved to do: to pay attention to the unspoken signals that broadcast intent.

Our caveman brains want to know if someone is, first, friend or foe. And if they’re not an enemy, we still seek further information about status, power, potential camaraderie or mutual benefit, etc.

So… I ask you…..

What’s the state of your dual-family environment? Are you living in a state of broken windows?

Do you feel like there’s a potential mugger around every corner in the form of a vengeful “other woman?”

Are you consistently dealing with rude and ungrateful strangers in the form of cold and angry stepchildren — or an angry ex-husband?

Is your husband helping perpetuate your feeling of fear and anxiety by not standing up for you when you try to create healthier boundaries with the ex-wife or with your stepchildren?

If you’re one of the exes, are you complicit in creating at atmosphere of rudeness, resistance, and competition?

And you know I have to ask it….

What’s YOUR contribution here?

Can you practice better manners, whether anyone reciprocates or not? Can you be vigilant about saying please and thank you? About saying hello and making eye contact? About maybe even cracking a friendly smile in the face of grumpitude?

“The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice there is little we can do to change until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.”

-R.D. Laing

As we’ve seen from what happened to New York, little changes can add up to big changes. And big changes can come from sometimes just one person, initially. Positive changes can be contagious.

Refuse to do your part in trashing the subway anymore — and see what happens.

Your thoughts?

© 2010 Jennifer Newcomb Marine        All Rights Reserved

Our book No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship is a hands-on manual designed to help you navigate some really strange, disorienting territory. Get your bearings, learn tips and tricks for  diffusing conflict and creating cooperation, and create inner peace no matter what. Coming this April! A beta version of a brand new, in-depth, stepmom/mom transformation course… and details on private consultations.

Related Posts:

The Fragile Bridge of Trust

How do you reach out to the stepmother or ex-wife in your life?

Top 10 Reasons for a Mother/Stepmother Relatioship Revolution

Cold Hard Facts

New Stepmom? Heading off conflict from the get-go

I’d painted myself into a corner with my writing here recently and felt less and less able to really be myself.

What popped me into clarity was reading about how stepmom Becky Lippett of La Belle Mere transformed her previously wretched relationship with the ex-wife, while on the cusp of divorce. Look at what she’s created by taking some very brave risks:

• “I have a new friend. And I mean that sincerely. I have to admit, to my surprise, that I haven’t had to try very hard to like her. It actually came fairly naturally. We have lots more in common that either of us realised.
• The children seem over the moon with the situation. Their excitement and happiness is impossible to miss.
• My marriage has improved beyond measure. In fact, we are stronger and more in love now than ever before.
• I no longer suffer from “Outsider” status. Rather than having the sense of being on the outside of something that is “theirs,” I now feel on the inside of something which is “ours.”
• I am less likely to feel the sense of persecution that I felt before. I no longer feel under attack or like I am forced to share my husband and my world with “the enemy.”
• Events such as parents evening, school plays and sports days are no longer likely to induce an anxiety attack that can be measured on the Richter Scale.
• My heart feels bigger.”

Becky credits our book, in part, for her big change. And Erin over on the Erin Experiment also had a recent epiphany that’s led to more peace and happiness by ironically, taking a step back from being a Super Hands-On Stepmother. Read more in Learning the Art of the Stepmom Stepback.

THIS, folks, is why we wrote this book!

This is why I’ve been writing this blog for three years (we turned 3 last month!). It makes me deliriously happy to read Becky and Erin’s stories of change and healing.

Becky’s terrible relationship with the ex-wife was one of the main reasons she was heading towards a split, but instead, her family life has been transformed. If she can do it, then maybe you can too! And don’t miss her update, answering questions on this cool turn of events.

With all my heart, I want to help others create happier extended families after divorce and remarriage. And yet… I’ve been struggling myself.

I’ve been thinking things that have created a sense of separation and disconnection for me and I miss everyone. I want to get back to feeling like we’re in this together. So in that spirit, a list of some surprising things we have in common:

I’m on my own too

Sometimes I felt like such a poser. Where’s the stepmom in our picture? If she’s not typing away with me, doesn’t this cancel out our book’s message of Kumbaya and mom/stepmom harmony? I’ve mentioned before how Carol’s art career takes up a huge part of her life, but even if she had eight arms and two heads, Carol doesn’t have the slightest interest in writing anything here. She has that right, much as I wish it were different. In the meantime, I’m lucky enough to call her a close friend and I love her like a sister. So interviews, videos (more on this in Part Two – they’re in the can and ready to go!) and me picking her brain will have to suffice.

This can be hard because….

I can’t get the moms involved either

Their backs are turned to me too. I say “too” because that’s who’s reading our blog and book: the stepmoms. So here I am, a mom/ex-wife talking to (mostly) all you stepmoms, telling you to not give up, to keep plugging away and trying… when really, I’m in the same boat (minus the heart-pounding tension).

Why is this?

My theory: moms hold most of the power. The kids usually live with them. The kids are “theirs,” whether they’re appalling parents or candidates for Mother of the Year. Who wants to let go of control? The ability to call the shots? Not many folks, once they have it. Most mothers just wish you weren’t around. Simple as that. But it’s still possible to create a life that works, in spite of it. More on that later too.

I know what it’s like to be betrayed

Carol and I are close friends, but that doesn’t mean I can’t relate to your pain. Recently, I became involved again with my first love, long-distance. Because I knew him long ago, I foolishly ignored some glaring red flags and got massively burned. This was someone who had done something fairly hurtful to me over thirty years ago and believe it or not, every few years I would dream about him so I could ask him WHY??? Why did you treat me this way? I finally have my answer….

I ended up being nothing more than a rebound—and perhaps even worse—a secret. So I still know what it’s like to put your heart on the line and offer it up to be sliced open. Many, many good lessons here, excruciating though they were.

(If anything, this recent experience makes me think it’d be a good idea to talk a lot more here about what makes a good relationship and how to keep them alive and healthy! Lord knows I’ve still got a lot to learn….)

Okay, so romance and stepmom/mom relationships are very different. But aggression and deceit, no matter who serves it up, still stings. Lies can make you doubt yourself. In our naïve surprise and confusion over being mistreated, we can gnaw on a situation over and over, trying to make sense of something that cannot be understood.

Being screwed over by someone is a great opportunity to gauge your self-love — the areas where it’s strong and where it needs shoring up. Although these lessons are of the “oh crap, MUST I learn this stuff this way, through pain?” nature, the breakthroughs they can lead to are invaluable.

Just like what it’s like with the conflict in mom/stepmom relationships.

It’s hard to create peace in your life when you feel like there’s a leak in the submarine. Which is why…

It’s better when we’re in it together.

More on this in Part 2!

But sometimes, the two linked households after a divorce and remarriage fill that function and it can be such a relief.

On Sunday night, I got a very calm call from my ex-husband David from the emergency room. He had cut his hand with a chainsaw (the very phrase makes me feel queasy) pretty badly, but was doing alright after two shots of morphine. I could hear Carol and Jacob (their four year-old) in the background. Since they live about an hour away from Austin, they needed to know if it was okay for Carol and Jacob to come over and hang out while they stitched up David’s hand (nerves, tendons and muscles had been severed).

Of course it was — they’ve killed time here before while in town. I told David I was willing to do whatever they needed, whether that was watch Jacob, have him spend the night, make dinner, whatever….

Carol and Jacob  opted instead to wait at the hospital, since they didn’t know how long it was going to take. I got a report before they left for home and was happy to hear that David had the most positive prognosis possible (trying saying that really fast three times), given that type of injury: no loss of mobility — only permanent numbness from half his pinky finger on up and perhaps the inability to stick his pinky finger out sideways.

“How’re you going to properly drink tea from now on?” I teased him.

Now imagine what this whole situation might have been like if we hadn’t all gotten along. No easy place for Jacob to stay and go to sleep, if need be. The stress of a strained phone call, where I’d be asked to pass along information to our daughters  — or even the lack of a phone call altogether.

As it was, I was one of the first people they called because our little dual-family dynamic means that we operate as each other’s extended families.

I’m incredibly grateful for this….

In other blog-related news, there’s an interesting discussion about the relationship with the ex-wife going on over at a cool new find, Stepmum of the Year. Check it out!

(Sorry for the picture-less posts – haven’t been able to upload an image to Wordpress for the last three weeks! Any advice appreciated.)

© 2010 Jennifer Newcomb Marine         All Rights Reserved

The single-parent family and the stepfamily are uniquely stressed and at risk because of conflict with each other — which translates directly into heartache for the kids, not to mention the adults. If only we had a clear and reassuring roadmap to show us the way to empathy, cooperation and mutual respect.

I know it's possible… because I've lived it.

Maybe Oprah, awesome creator of the Big Picture that she is, will pick up her paintbrush to work her magic… and one of her producers will pick up the phone!

Won't you join us in asking Oprah to cover these very important issues by sending her a quick email?

The future families of our world will thank you.

*Wednesday Martin (Stepmonster), Izzy Rose (The Package Deal), and Brenda Ockun( StepMom Magazine)

Bond over the good stuff, not the bad.
Don’t make a part of your bonding experience with your guy bitching about the ex-wife. Know that part of his motivation in doing this is to prove to YOU that you’re the one he’s fully choosing. SHE didn’t work out because she was simply the wrong woman. And in all honesty, like any human being, he’s also probably projecting some of his issues onto her because he’s clueless about how to fix them.

While pillow talk often involves an analysis of what went wrong in previous relationships so you can talk about how you want to do things differently now, don’t let yourself get sucked into the kind of gossip that only makes things worse in the long run.

You don’t need to knock down one person to raise up another (and you
wouldn’t want him doing this to you later if things ended up not working out,
right?). Avoid it. Gossip is a habit and it creates a crappy energy that is cumulative and has momentum. The last thing you need is a growing pile of dog shit in the corner of your bedroom!

Meet her.
Yes, I’m advocating walking into the enemy’s camp and introducing yourself, but hey, she was once just a person too — someone that your partner loved enough to marry. Maybe she’s not so bad after all. Be adult enough to form your own conclusions about who she is, instead of simply taking someone else’s word for it. And that means talking to her on the phone, or if you live in the same town, meeting her face-to-face. Everyone has a phone. Pick it up and call her!

This suggestion may sound insane, but hey, we live in crazy times. We are SURROUNDED by divorced families and stepfamilies and that isn’t going to change. If that’s the case, then it’s time to start approaching these situations from a brand-new, radical perspective. Let’s head off problems pre-emptively, instead of dealing with the same old, same old. Be a revolutionary and muster some bravery!

Set some healthy parameters.
Introduce yourself. Tell her you know this is an awkward situation — for both of you. Tell her you’re not interested in turning the kids against her or keeping any conflict going between she and her ex (and then don’t!). Tell her you’re committed to staying out of the middle and letting them work through whatever they might need to, without someone gossiping about her and feeding into the score-keeping.

Tell her you’d like to work together to make this the easiest it can be for the kids. Tell her you’d like to be helpful and flexible and hope she will be in return. Who knows? Maybe you can even create a subtle, healthy competition to see who can act with the most consideration, clear communication and good manners. When people are treated with kindness, warmth and respect, they often respond in kind. Be stubborn about acting this way.

Rise above the fray.
If you take the high road, you have the potential to create a real ally in the ex-wife. What’s going to raise her ire (and sense of resistance and revenge) is knowing you two are noting every fault and shortcoming of hers. If you make it clear that you are going to refrain from doing that, she’ll know she can trust you to act with maturity and foresight.

Part of you may feel like you’re going to be letting your BF/husband down if you don’t bitch and vent with him about her, but trust me, you’ll feel so much better about yourself. You’ll create the space and integrity to maintain peace and cooperation between households over the long run — and that’s a huge contribution you can make to your immediate family and to the extended family as a whole.

• What did I leave out?
• What’s your experience been?
• Who’s had some successes along these lines and what worked for you?

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved

Welcome to our first guest post! It's by Katherine Shirek Doughtie, one of the co-authors of a "sister" site, the fabulous, but sadly currently dormant

Cold Hard Facts

-by Katherine Shirek Doughtie

Chilling.

I just looked up some statistics on second marriages and, boy, they
are not good. When Jill and I first started talking about this blog, we
tried to figure out roughly how many marriages were second marriages
and how many ended in divorce. We both guessimated — based on what? a
hope that humans can actually learn from their mistakes? — that second
marriages were statistically less likely to end in divorce.

Wrong.

Dead wrong.

Divorce rates for second marriages? About 60 – 80% .

At the high end, that’s almost double the divorce rate for first marriages (47%).

So why do second marriages end? Mainly because of two things: Complexity and money. Money is relatively easy to deal with (here’s an excellent guideline)
— as long as you are willing to be brutally honest with yourself and
your partner. OK, I’m being a little casual about the money stuff…
money is usually extremely tied to emotional issues and I’m planning on
getting into it in depth in a later post. But long ago I learned that
there were two kinds of problems in the world: Emotional issues and
technical issues. (Losing weight is a prime example of a technical
problem that very often becomes an emotional issue.) And money — as
painful and crazy as it is — is really a technical issue on much the
same scale as losing weight.

The complexity of living in a blended family, however, is an
emotional issue. There’s no way around it. You can’t sit down with a
ledger or Quicken and figure out how to deal with the biological mom,
or how to make the sibs and step-sibs get along or how to reconcile the
painful comments in the car that the other house is the “fun house.”
That’s emotional. That’s core stuff.

And with a 60 – 80% divorce rate among second marriages, it’s not an issue you can easily dismiss.

Which means, to me, that this whole conversation about how moms and
step-moms might be able to work together better is not just so that we
can reduce a little stress in our lives. It really is so that the
second marriage has a much better chance at surviving.

I’m going to put on my “bio mom” hat solely now. And this may seem
stern and harsh, but really it’s in response to that statistic, and as
an admonition to some future Kathy should I ever become a step-mom
myself.

Here it is and it’s a cold hard fact:

I’m the biological mother. I am not going away, ever.

You’re the step-mother. And the statistics aren’t in your favor.

And the reason the statistics aren’t in your favor is because, in part, of me.

It’s very icky. It’s ugly to say and, projecting myself into the
other household, abhorent to hear. But, actually, it’s true. And it
becomes extremely dangerous when there is still a boatload of baggage
left over from the first marriage, and the whole situation is riddled
with bitterness, vengefulness and anger. We, the biological parent, do
have the upper hand — legally, emotionally, biologically. And if we
want to wield it for evil and try to pry apart that fragile second
union, we can. And we do. And that’s just so ugly for everyone, it
makes me sick.

So am I saying that the step-moms of the world have to genuflect to
us because we have the biological trump card? Do we now get to have
final say in every decision?

Absolutely not. Because there’s another corrollary to the above cold
hard fact, that I wish more bio-moms would actually pay attention to,
and this one goes thusly:

This step-mom also takes care of my children.

The peace that I can promote between the households directly and unequivocally affects the emotional well-being of my children.

To quote my favorite philosophical work, Spiderman: with great power
comes great responsibility. Sure, you’re the legitimate owner of half
of the DNA. But that comes with some responsibilities, too — because
your first priority is really no longer yourself and your precious
anger. Remember those first six weeks of the babies’ lives, when your
entire existence was turned upside down just to ensure the survival of
that little infant? That hasn’t changed. We still have to turn
ourselves inside out to make sure those kids make it through the night.
And the step mom is there running the other household, and she must be
respected and honored for that. If you want to play that bio-card and
play power games, you can. But the losers will be the children.

Let me repeat that on its own line:

The losers will be the children.

It’s more than just about making life a little nicer that we need to
get this figured out. For the step-moms in the world, it’s about
keeping that marriage intact. For us moms in the world, it’s about
keeping our children intact.

Let’s make this a revolution. The cold hard facts are saying that
blended families are becoming more and more prevalent. Let’s learn from
our past mistakes, get over our anger, embrace the future
possibilities, and get it together. For ourselves, for the sisterhood,
and for our children.

To read more of Katherine's writing, check out her book Aphrodite in Jeans: Adventure Tales About Men, Midlife And Motherhood or her personal blog.

© 2009 Katherine Shirek Doughtie     All Rights Reserved

Are the potential rewards worth the effort?

I’ve posted recently about our oldest daughter, Sophie, leaving home.  I thought I’d let you see what moving through that process looked like (in a three-part post) when it came to doing it together, from my eyes (the mom).

First… her party. 

Stiff smiles and Salvadore Dali clocks
I’d long had this idea in my head for some kind of ritualistic ceremony for Sophie and then later, for Maddie. (You can blame/thank Joseph Campbell for that – he once said something about how teens don’t have any sort of transitional rituals in our culture and they suffer because of it; acting out, sometimes blurring the lines between independence and dependency long before or after what’s best. At any rate, it struck a chord). 

At first, I thought we’d do it when she turned sixteen, but that didn’t happen.  Then I thought I’d do it when she graduated, but really, what pushed it to the fore was her leaving for foreign lands (the wilderness that is Europe).  Somehow, the idea that she’d not only be leaving the house, but traveling somewhere big and new on her own, made this half-baked idea of a ritual seem somehow more urgent.

What I had in mind was a group of elders, sitting around, telling the unvarnished truth about a variety of topics, ones that real grown-ups dealt with, like responsibility, life purpose, sex, relationships, money.  I imagined women who had known her all (or most) of her life telling stories — relaying near misses, lessons learned the hard way, things they’d wish they’d known long ago….  Those same nuggets of wisdom could go in a book too!  People could write things down beforehand and then we’d put them in and give it to Sophie during the party.  I envisioned juicy details, lots of laughing, a wonderful feeling of intimacy and closeness in the air.  And lots of love of course.

What ended up happening was uh… slightly different.

Spontaneous love-in’s cannot be planned
Carol (the stepmom) thought the idea was brilliant.  And beautiful.

Great! 

It was to be a surprise, so we simply told Sophie that she needed to stick around that day, because we had something up our sleeves.

Carol and I brainstormed the guest list together and whittled down the list of topics from 15 to 10.  We planned the food, who would make what.  It’d be women-only so we could really let it all hang out.

Unfortunately, what became evident after I sent out the invitations was how squirmy people felt about their little “writing assignment.”  Several folks, including myself, left it ’til the last minute.  When I finally did my writing, I saw why!  This was hard — even embarrassing.  This crap was the sum of my life’s wisdom, this cliché-sounding bit of pith?

Leave it to Carol and David (my ex-, her husband) to tactfully bring it to my attention that Sophie probably wouldn’t really enjoy or appreciate a roomful of adults giving her what would probably feel like advice.  It all seemed so nice and glow-y in theory, but in practice, would likely feel forced and awkward. 

So we dropped the “ritualistic” part of it and simply focused on the book. 

Lucky for us, Carol comes from an extremely creative family (no surprise there, look at Carol’s site or step into her studio).  Her mother, Sandra, made a stunning handmade book for us to use (she even wove the beautiful black and red fabric – thanks, Sandra!) and we threw the whole thing together one evening, a few days before the party.  

A glitch sensitively conveyed though – David felt a bit left out…. If this was going to be some kind of big, meaningful send-off for his daughter, he didn’t want to just be at home, wondering what was going on.  So… he’d be the honorary man-guest. He knew everyone who’d be coming anyway.

Plain old reality can be oh-so-lovely
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we seemed to be swamped in activity.  There were errands to run to make sure Sophie had everything she needed, but it also seemed to be one constant party at our house.  Two of her closest friends simply stayed, day after day, night after night.  While normally I might have asked her to wrap it up kiddo, I thought it was a harmless enough way to give her some sweet memories before she left.  I could live with some extra crumbs in the kitchen and a continuously disappearing cupboard….

So the day of the party finally arrived.

I was watching David and Carol’s dogs again (another dog-sitting/tech. help swap) and Maddie and my mom and I set up the house.  Sophie’s friends were already here, so, they came.  The various “elders” arrived (limping, all wearing feathered-headdresses and bejeweled canes), and so did Jacob, Sophie’s little brother.  It was quite the raucous event.

No ceremonies. 

No rituals. 

Just an acknowledgment that she was about to take off on a journey out into the huge, wide world….  Some talk of where she was going, what she’d like to do….  But no pronouncements from on high.  Just shitloads of fantastic food, wine, and a fancy, crystal punch dispenser that looked like it was imported from Russia (thanks Mom!). 

And a few mumbled words from me as I handed over the book, about how much we all loved her and were going to miss her, but also how excited we all were for her.

Perhaps the most ritualistic touch came from Sophie’s little sister Maddie herself, in an impromptu idea that she came up with, all on her own.  For about two days before the party, Maddie worked furiously cutting up long strips of paper to be folded into beautiful little paper stars.  She used her special patterned paper (that kid could work magic with dirt) and got the stars started for people.  Then she printed out instructions for everyone, asking them to write a secret wish or hope or saying for Sophie. She bought her a tiny cardboard treasure chest to store the stars in (something small and light to fit in her backpack) and set out pens, books to write on, and a little glass jar to collect the stars on a tray.

I fretted a bit at the gathering, wondering if Sophie was enjoying herself. Then, one of my dearest friends (an honorary aunt to the girls) reassured me, it wasn’t so much the way Sophie felt NOW that was important, it was how she was going to remember all of this, with her whole family and her friends here, celebrating HER….