Divorced Mom and Stepmom Insights and Understanding

(These are excerpts from an article that was originally published in the July 2011 issue of Stepmom Magazine)

Stepmoms often feel very alone in their journey, but they’re not. Here are some common thoughts and emotions that stepmoms experience.

4. “I’m a great stepmom. I can take care of everyone and everything. I’ll show everyone that I can do this! Where’s my cape?”

Say hello to two of the biggest mistakes stepmoms make: assuming they’re able to solve everyone’s problems and trying to do too much.

Give yourself permission to stop doing too much. Stop assuming responsibility for your husband’s happiness, the children’s happiness and the ex’s happiness. Stop assuming responsibility for a cohesive, spotless, perfectly happy household.

There are many things you have no control over, and the more you try to control them the more helpless, powerless and resentful you will become.

Have you noticed what happens when you try to rescue someone from consequences? They never learn. They keep repeating the same behavior over and over again because they know you’ll be there to clean up their mess.

The problems between your husband, his ex and the kids were there long before you showed up. They are not yours to fix.

So step back. Give the members of your stepfamily the opportunity to grow by letting them face the consequences of their actions.

It’s amazing how someone will step up when you step aside.

This rule also applies for those of you who are trying to do everything for your stepchildren. Let someone else take them to Little League or band practice.

You have a right to say no.

In fact, you should say no sometimes because what good are you when you are worn down, angry and feeling taken advantage of?

Take a breather. Let your husband or his ex step up to the plate. I promise you, their worlds will not fall apart while you’re gone.

Not sure you can do that? Start small. Find one thing you do for the family that you wouldn’t mind giving up. Then take a break from it for a week. See how it feels.

It might just make a world of difference.

5. “I am not their maid.”

Typically, women like clean houses. It’s natural for us to immediately scan the room and see 10 things that need to be done now. But your husband doesn’t notice the mess, and the kids are just adding to it because, after all, they’re kids. How do you find that balance between getting some help around the house and not feeling like a nagging wife and stepmom?

Sit down with your husband and tell him what you need. Don’t make it about the kids or him being messy; make it about what you need to be comfortable in your own home.

Then, ask him to help come up with ways to remedy the situation. Ask him to brainstorm ideas with you. This will show him you value him and want his help rather than coming across accusatory of him and his kids of causing you major stress.

After you’ve come up with an agreeable plan, have a family meeting. You could even get the kids involved in the decision making.

Although kids will likely complain about chores, it will teach them responsibility and give them a sense of contributing to the family, which, in turn, will increase their self-reliance and self-esteem.

6. “The ex-wife: Will she ever go away?”

The answer is no. At least not until the kids are 18, when your contact may be reduced to graduations and weddings.

It’s common for a stepmom to feel a bit of jealousy. Here is a woman who was married to your husband first. They had kids together, and that will bond them forever. There is a history  that didn’t involve you. The kids compare you to her, and maybe the in-laws do, too.

But nothing good comes from dwelling on the past. Instead, focus on the present. He’s with you now, not her. And what’s the benefit of him being previously married?

Well, perhaps he’s learned from the mistakes he made in his first marriage.

You get the new and improved 2.0 version! And maybe they made some wonderful children together that you absolutely adore.

You and your husband are making your own memories now. You have a future with this amazing man. Look around and appreciate everything you have.

You can’t change the past, but the future is what you make of it.

© 2011 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

(Photo credit: Michal Marcol)

Related Posts:

• Stepmoms: You Are Not Alone (Part One)
• Stepmoms: Why Your Husband Is So Important
• Top 10 Best Things About Being a Stepmom

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I’m sure divorced moms experience this as well, but this complaint seems to be more prevalent among stepmoms, probably because moms hold more power when it comes to their children.

Pick a situation, it could be anything: you think things are going well and then you get a nasty email or text telling you how it’s going to be. Telling you what you can or cannot do.

A Demand from the other woman.

For most people, when someone makes a demand of them, their initial instinct is to resist and push back.

Their initial response is something along the lines of:  ”Excuse me? Who the hell do you think you are? You can’t tell me what to do!”

Only in this situation, sometimes the other woman CAN tell you what to do.  For instance, sitting in on a family therapy session. If mom doesn’t want you there, unless the therapist agrees to separate sessions, you’re not going to be there.

So now not only are you pissed that you were treated so rudely, but you have to sit back while she gets her way. Talk about throwing salt on the wound.

I have no doubt this dynamic adds to the resentment stepmoms and divorced moms experience with each other.

Now, take the same situation, but imagine she asks you for something instead of demands it.

Something pretty amazing usually happens.  You don’t feel so much resistance. There’s nothing to push back against.

For me, add in a little vulnerability and I’m pretty much putty in your hands.

For example, “Hey there, I’m under a lot of stress dealing with (fill in the blank) and to have you included in this is really difficult for me right now (Vulnerability). Would you be willing to step back on this one (Request)? I’d really appreciate it.”

Wow. Can you feel what a different response that would elicit?

Not only might you be receptive to the request, but you might actually go into “helping” mode, where you can feel compassion, maybe even some empathy for what she’s dealing with. And sure, if you can make things a little easier this one time, you just might be willing to do that.

Unfortunately, in these situations where emotions run high and there’s quite a bit of animosity between women, there’s very little requesting going on and an overabundance of demanding.

Next time you’re in this position, see if you can adjust your strategy.

Try asking her instead of demanding.

Try being kind instead triggered.

Try being vulnerable instead of rigid.

You just might feel a difference. And so might she. 

© 2011 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

(Photo credit: Salvatore Vuono)

Related Posts:

• Can You Be Generous Instead of Right?
• Moms: You Are the Crux
• Do Our Thoughts Cause Us Pain and Suffering?

(New here? Join our no-cost, private member’s community for some unique tools and hands-on support. Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter and check out excerpts from our book or audio book.)

(These are excerpts from an article that was originally published in the July 2011 issue of Stepmom Magazine)

Stepmoms often feel very alone in their journey, but they’re not. Here are some common thoughts and emotions that stepmoms experience.

1. I FEEL LIKE AN OUTSIDER IN MY OWN HOME: 

This is one of the worst feelings for new stepmoms. You’re supposed to feel safe and secure in your home. It’s the one place you can go to be yourself and get relief from the rest of the world. But when you’re living with children you don’t know very well, it’s hard to feel comfortable. All the rules change when they’re around.

The degree you will feel like an outsider largely depends on the age of the children and their personalities. But it can feel like the kids and their dad are in a gang and you’re the new kid—the outsider they haven’t invited into their inner circle yet.

You watch as they laugh about a memory that was before your time. Your stomach is in knots as they say goodnight to their dad and ignore you, even though you’re sitting right beside him. none of this is intentional, but that knowledge doesn’t ease the pain. You’re not quite sure where you fit in.

Don’t take it personally. Yes, much easier said than done. But keep in mind that it can take several years before a stepfamily starts to function like a cohesive unit. I know that’s a long time to wait to feel comfortable, so create your own family ritual as a way to slowly bond with the children. Make sure it’s something that’s fun for everyone. this is a great way to ease that outsider feeling and help the kids be more at ease with you as well.

Be cautious. Don’t try to force a relationship with the children. It’s a lot of pressure on everyone to feel they have to instantly get along. It takes time to build trust and adjust to new living arrangements, rules and responsibilities. So try not to rush the kids.

Also, try to carve out an area of your home that is all yours. My husband was thoughtful enough to suggest this, and I’m happy he did! I have an alcove off our living room. We call it the “J Café.” there’s a sofa, bookshelf, lamp and a coffee table—and it’s all mine. It’s my no Kids zone.

2. UM…I BARELY LIKE MY STEPKIDS, MUCH LESS LOVE THEM:

Some stepmoms absolutely love their stepchildren from the day they meet them. This is more common if you’ve been in your stepchildren’s lives from a very early age. But many stepmoms find themselves joining their stepfamily when the kids are almost teenagers. I dare say it’s an almost impossible task to instantly love a teenager.

A big misconception and dangerous expectation for stepmoms is that they will love their stepchildren. Just as you didn’t get to choose your husband’s ex-wife, you didn’t get to choose his kids either. Getting to know them can be an agonizingly slow process.

Let yourself off the hook and do the kids a favor. Don’t have any expectations about how you should feel about them. or about how they should feel about you. Don’t get down on yourself because you don’t have loving feelings for them. It can take years to form a connection with or an attachment to your stepchildren. And for some stepmothers, it never happens. That’s OK, too. It doesn’t mean you can’t care for or nurture them. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or them. It just means you’re normal.

3. MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP EXCEPT WE HAVE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE PARENTING STYLES:

You cringe as you see your stepchildren manipulate the heck out of their dad. Is this really the same man you fell head over heals for?

It’s common to feel conflicted about having a different parenting style than your spouse. You’re not exactly sure when to speak up and when to hold your tongue. And you know he can get very defensive. The tricky part about stepparenting is the reality that ultimately they aren’t your kids, so where do you come in?

You have a right to be comfortable in your home, yet you can’t make all the rules. This is a conversation for you to have with your partner. How involved does he want you? What are you comfortable with? How old are the children?

A lot of factors go into deciding what kind of parenting or disciplinarian role you’ll have. Remember that experts agree a stepparent should not discipline a stepchild until there is a bond formed and trust has been built. Otherwise, the child won’t be receptive to the discipline and the stepmom-stepchild relationship could be damaged for years to come.

If your stepchild is displaying a behavior you’re not comfortable with, discuss it with your husband and let him address the child.

Stay behind the scenes until you have formed a connection with the child.

Compromise is a necessity. There will be things that you and your husband will each have to bend on. To come to these agreements, have a win-win mentality as opposed to one where you feel you’re always right and he’s always wrong.

(Stay tuned for part two next week!)

© 2011 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

(Photo credit:David Castillo Dominici)

Related Posts:

• Why Owning Your Own Crap Empowers You, Instead of Takes You Down
• The Top 10 Best Things About Being a Stepmom
• Apologizing 101

(New here? Join our no-cost, private member’s community for some unique tools and hands-on support. Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter and check out excerpts from our book or audio book.)

For those of you who are having trouble letting go of the stepmom or divorced mom in your life, this is for you.

Do you find yourself obsessing about her?

Stepmoms, are you feeling the need to show up at every event she’s going to be at so you can “monitor” her behavior? Afraid she’ll try, once again, to flirt with your husband or disrespect your marriage?

Divorced moms, do you feel the need to be there to keep her in check? To make sure she doesn’t try to exude too much power over a situation that is about your children, not about her?

Or maybe you just can’t get over the fact that she still hasn’t accepted you. Hasn’t acknowledged you, much less opened her heart to you. And you continue to ask yourself why.

For just a moment, pretend your life is like a little village and you’re a giant standing over it, watching.

Do you see how much time you’re spending thinking about her? All the energy spent stewing about her past actions or wishing things were different?

Do you see how much importance you’re giving this one woman? How much value you’ve given her simple opinion of you?

If you’re letting your insecurities dictate your actions, it’s time to stop. 

It’s time to stop handing your power over to her.

She’s not larger than life. She’s just a person. No better or more important than you are.

Try to shift some of that value, that importance you place on her, back on yourself.

Every time your thoughts start to wander to her, stop yourself and focus on you, your family and all the amazing gifts in your life.

Remind yourself of who she actually is; just a person, who most likely, doesn’t really know you at all.

© 2011 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

Related Posts:

• Are you ready to release her? When to say “when!” 
• I’m done trying to make peace with the other woman. Now what?
• Are we sabotaging ourselves?

(New here? Join our no-cost, private member’s community for some unique tools and hands-on support. Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter and check out excerpts from our book or audio book.)

As I begin decluttering my house in preparation for selling it and moving to Oregon, I’m struck by how many things I’ve hung onto over the years for reasons I can’t even remember. The things themselves are tied to memories, dreams, and old priorities.

They’re also tied to “issues” I used to have and some I’m still actively working on.

Back when Carol and I (and David, my ex) didn’t get along, it used to be so easy to point to their ACTIONS and say this was the reason for me being so hurt, upset or angry. I’d provide all the gory details so my sympathetic listener could see how ANYONE in their right mind would be equally offended.

But privately, I also knew that there was something else at play, in the background.

And that was the amorphous ball of “stuff” we all recognize in our quieter moments. Baggage. Old wounds. Sore spots. Irrational patterns of reactions. That vague, embarrassing jumble we wincingly see before we fall asleep at night, while eating a bowl of cereal alone in the morning; maybe during the mindless hum and rhythm of exercise.

Oh.

That old shit.

The stuff I have no idea how to fix!

The stuff that makes me extra sensitive, insecure, fearful or feel like crap about myself. It’s as familiar as the back of your hand. But you’d be loathe to ever admit its existence, except with your closest friends (and even then…).

So much more convenient to just keep pointing the finger elsewhere.

But the truth is, when the other person’s behavior continually sends you into overdrive, you have lost control of yourself. That means, there’s a good chance something old has been triggered.

Blame the wrong thing and your problems will remain an enigmatic and seemingly impossible source of frustration.

Handle it and watch problems with the other household fade away into something manageable or maybe, just maybe, even something… good.

So, how big is YOUR suitcase? What are you dragging around? Are you willing to try and let go of some of its contents?

Some great places to start:

• The Heartmath Solution
• Expand This Moment

.

© 2011 Jennifer Newcomb Marine    All Rights Reserved

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There seems to be an epidemic of stepmoms divorcing. I don’t know the details of every situation, but it’s a pretty good guess that their husbands did not step up and support them.

Experts agree that  the marriage needs to be the primary relationship. If your husband doesn’t realize this, you have a high chance of being one of those 60-70% of second marriages that end in divorce.

Does that mean you’re more important than the kids? Of course not. But it means that when the kids are behaving badly, disrespecting you or making life miserable, your husband needs to step in and set things straight.

That might mean enforcing discipline he never has before (ahem…Disneyland dads) or showing his kids the proper way to treat you. It might mean doing more around the house. Or it might mean simply listening to you.

As a man, your husband’s job is to provide for and protect you. In fact, he’s compelled to do this. And even though, intellectually, women know they don’t need a man for that anymore, our instincts tell us we do.

We feel it in our bones when we’re not being protected. It feels life-threatening.

We get anxious, scared and then angry. It’s a pretty awful feeling.

A woman needs to know that she’s safe. And she attains that feeling when her husband listens to her needs and does what he can to meet them.

If he lets the kids (or the ex) rule the roost, there will be a breakdown between you and your husband as trust is lost and the bond between you is weakened. Not to mention the awful lessons he’s  teaching the kids.

Now stepmoms, you’re not off the hook here. There IS a right way and a wrong way to talk to men; to ask for what you need. (Feel free to contact me for a lesson in communicating with men)

Where do you fit in this scenerio? Is your husband stepping up to the plate or does he need some guidance in this area?

© 2011 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

 Related Posts:

• How I survived this stepfamily stuff Part 2
• Six secrets to communicating with men
• How to deal with a defensive person

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We’ve gotten lots of new readers lately, so I thought it might be a good time to take a step back and summarize who we are and what we’re shooting for here…

Our best-selling book – and this site – focuses on how to create a harmonious relationship between ex-wives and stepmoms, or, in other words, traditional enemies.

What We’re About

We’re unique in that our perspective is informed by BOTH sides. In the case of the book, I co-wrote it with my children’s stepmom, Carol Marine. I am “the ex-wife.”

And in December of last year, I was joined here by my business partner, stepmom coach Jenna Korf.

Our site fills a vital niche in the world of divorce and remarriage. There are plenty of books and sites that address the fears and concerns of divorced moms OR stepmoms. Some of them are excellent and we consider them our cohorts in this brave, new world of reconstituted family relationships.

Others…  Well, let’s just say some of these folks might feel perfectly at home on a firing range.

Backstory

This project was born out of personal necessity. About ten years ago now, Carol and I were living this situation in all its tension-wracked glory.

I vividly remember how gut-wrenching it was to not get along with my ex-husband’s new wife — someone who was going to be interacting with my children on a regular basis, outside my realm of control.

I hated feeling like there was an enemy in my midst, out there plotting against me (and I came to find out later she felt exactly the same way!).

I hated the environment of discord I was helping to create for my children, the lack of conflict resolution skills we adults were modeling for them.

But through trial and error, and sometimes with comical missteps, we went from bristling in each others’ presence, to becoming close friends and parenting cohorts. We have a shared bank account and consistent rules and consequences between houses.

We knew there were probably lots of other folks who could also use help with their divorce-connected family journey, because when WE needed help, there was nothing out there.

And so here we are….

Core Values

There are some key principles we try to live by here at NOTB:

Personal Accountability

This means you own your contribution to the conflict (otherwise known as owning your shit); including ways your ego might be enjoying the drama or passively aggressively setting the stage for more.

We challenge you to hold BOTH perspectives in your mind at the same time – not always an easy task.

Most of all, we encourage you to tell the truth. If you fudge the story with others, you’re likely doing it with yourself too.

Lies equal victimhood.

And our readers are not victims!

Community and Support

We’re here to help each other.

You’ll find an amazingly collaborative group of women here, willing to reveal their vulnerabilities and brainstorm the solutions to your problems — all in the service of saner women and cheaper therapy bills for our kids in the future.

Our Facebook community is always hoppin’. You can post questions there and get answers from both sides. Where else can you find that? Many women are surprised at how much they can relate to “the other woman.”

Our private member’s community provides a more protected environment to bond with moms and stepmoms. It’s pretty special, seeing friendships form, playful ribbing.

We stand in awe of all of you….

Continual Growth and Learning

We’re all about sharpening our skills and resources. We learn from you and hopefully, you’re learning from us.

We emphasize creativity, collaboration and compassion here. And it’s heartening to see people making both breakthroughs and incremental changes that have them breathing a sigh of relief.

Humor

Face it, this shit is hard sometimes!

We’re all the ones at the front of the line, wading through the swamp, pushing past fear, confusion and the feeling that we’ve wandered deep into No Man’s Land.

We’re cultural pioneers, revolutionaries, figuring it out as we go along. And for that reason, we NEED each other!

Once you see how hard these divorce-connected relationships are for each person, you can start to depersonalize mind-boggling, hurtful behavior.

And that’s when you start to feel like there’s hope for your situation — and for all of us.

While we’re trudging along together, tired and bleary, it sure helps to be able to laugh at ourselves. I mean, look at us! Did ANY of us ever imagine this is how our adult lives would go?

None of us ever dreamt as starry-eyed children about our romantic relationships springing up or dissolving before our very eyeswith another woman on board.

Too bizarre, isn’t it?!

Resources

While you’re here, it might be helpful to know that we have on tap:

Video and interviews - video snippets, radio interviews, Carol and Jen, Jen and Jenna, just Jen. Lotsa “J’s” huh? We get confused too.

200+ articles - these run the range from in-depth comprehensive posts to short announcements.

Before Jenna landed on the scene, I felt compelled to focus on the stepmom perspective in the spirit of fairness, but in retrospect, I believe I was overreaching, inadvertently leaving the moms out of the picture. (Sorry moms!)

Now that Jenna’s here, I have more room to speak for the moms. As a result, the community I always dreamed of creating has finally happened.

Facebook page - as mentioned, you’ll always find someone to gab with here. Ask a question, get it answered. (But remember, this page is public, so post accordingly.)

Member’s Community - a private forum where you can meet and get to know your comrades in arms. Expanded plans for this coming soon.

E-books - mini-support guides for the most common issues women are tackling.

Coaching - get some one-on-one help from either Jenna and I — or both.

Workshops - coming soon. We’ve got one in progress that will blow your socks off. A one-weekend crash course on the book, with in-depth exercises that will potentially transform your dual-household challenges.

Where We’re Headed

We want to change the world — or at least our little corner of it.

We want to put these ideas on the map of family relationships.

But if partnering with the other side seems like doing the do-si-do with a brick wall or a snarling tiger, then we advocate turning your focus back to nurturing your family and yourself.

Doing so will compartmentalize the pain that comes from feeling like someone’s out to get you and prevent that lopsided seesaw of obsession that can drive many a woman to drink in the afternoon.

We want people to know it’s not only possible for ex-wives and stepmoms to get along, there are some amazing benefits available to them if they’re willing to buck the traditional animosity that’s expected of them.

More stable second marriages (and step-families need all the help they can get, with a 73% divorce rate). Co-parenting partners, instead of feeling like the two sides are divided and working against each other.

Less stress.

Deeper breaths.

Most importantly, our goal is to create happier children who feel protected and bolstered on all sides by a cohesive family nest.

We’re on the threshold of transforming the damage of divorce by re-inventing the new American extended family.

We hope you’ll join us!

© 2011 Jennifer Newcomb Marine   All Rights Reserved

(New here? Join our no-cost, private member’s community for some unique tools and hands-on support. Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter and check out excerpts from our book or audio book.)

We’re all women.

We all struggle.

We’ve all had thoughts and feeling we wish we didn’t.

We’re all in situations we wish we could change.

We’re similar in so many ways, yet we continue to be separate.

Mom has to struggle knowing her children are part of another family, one that doesn’t include her. This is not how she imagined her future when she was giving birth.

She has to see a man she once loved, loving someone else. Probably loving them better than he loved her.

Stepmom has to struggle with trying to be part of a pre-established family. She has to struggle with the another woman seemingly trying to undermine her at every opportunity. Perhaps stepkids who wish she would disappear.

We experience a lot of the same internal chaos: Anger, sadness, resentment, helplessness and hopelessness.  Just in different ways and for different reasons.

To each of us, our struggle is harder…yet another thing we have in common.

Sometimes it’s easier to see the differences; less painful. But if you can bear to look at the similarities, you just might feel something change.

© 2011 Jenna Korf      All Rights Reserved

(photo credit: now and zen photography)

Related Posts:

• What divorced moms should know about stepmoms
• What stepmoms should know about divorced moms

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Do you think you’re able to change someone? I’m guessing intellectually you know you can’t. After all, how many times have you heard “The only person you can control is yourself”?

Yet you continue to think:

“Maybe if I’m nicer to her…”

“Maybe if I appease her…”

“Maybe if I ignore her…”

“Maybe if I kill her with kindness…”

Aren’t these all attempts to alter someone’s behavior?

In one of my earliest blog posts I describe how I thought I could change my husband’s ex wife’s behavior by giving her advice. It went over really well.

We can’t change someone’s behavior, values or the filter they see life through, to fit our needs.

People in high emotional conflict can’t see the good intention or hear the words that are meant to help.

In some cases we can influence, give others another perspective that may lead to insight on their behalf. But this usually happens with people we have an established relationship with; are close to and respected by.

Not quite the description of your relationship with the mom or stepmom in your life. Right?

Whatever is going on with her, it’s bigger than you.

Release yourself from this burden. Lighten your load.

Honor your own moral standard as best  you can and repeat to yourself “I am not responsible for her actions.“

Focus on what is your responsibility (at least partly) – the dynamic in your household. Make changes as you see fit.

Less worrying. More laughing.

Less stress. More fun.

Less anger.  More love.

Real, lasting change will only come from within. What sort of change are you looking for?

© 2011 Jenna Korf     All Rights Reserved

(Photo credit: Tina Phillips)

Related Posts:

• The Invisible Drivers in Your Life
• What Are You Resisting?

(New here? Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Check out excerpts from our book or audio book, and join us on the forum.)

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson

“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.” – Ian Percy

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them” – Dalai Lama

“Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
-Howard Thurman

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

“In every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it.”
-Marianne Williamson

“What you perceive, your observations, feelings, interpretations, are all your truth. Your truth is important. Yet it is not The Truth.” – Linda Ellinor

“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and a willingness to remain vulnerable.”
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” – Frederick Keonig

‎”Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

‎”Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.” – Paulo Coelho

“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” – William James

“Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it” – Anonymous

“Your children will see what you’re all about by what you live rather than what you say.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” – Anonymous

‎”If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” -Chinese Epigram

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

‎”Too often, people find it easier to make assumptions and stick with what they believe. They put you in a place and it makes their job easier. The good people constantly search for something different.” – Christopher Meloni

“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know. What I was walling in or walling out.” -Robert Frost

“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” – Ghandi

‎”And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

“You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, ‘I release the need for this in my life’.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

“Often in our blended family we let our level of ‘peace’ depend on the behavior of others; they upset or anger us and our peace is gone. So… here’s today’s tip: do what is within your power to live in peace with others. If they choose to reject your peacemaking efforts, that is not your responsibility. You can experience peace with the confidence that comes from knowing you’ve done all you can to mend the relationship; your peace is not dependent on their actions.” -Adele Cornish

‎”As with most emotions and choices, forgiving is something we may need to do repeatedly. It’s not a one-time choice…If you spend the majority of your time rehashing old stories, or making this person repeatedly earn your forgiveness, this relationship won’t have a life in the present—it will just be a shadow of the past.” – Lori Deschene on Forgiveness

“All I can do is engage with complete sincerity. Then whatever happens, there is no regret.” -The Dalai Lama

‎”The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” – Aiden Nowlan

“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.” -Louisa May Alcott

“Don’t let her actions dictate yours” – Jenna

‎”Those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them back; and then you destroy yourself.” – R. M. Nixon

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

“Time invested in improving ourselves cuts down on time wasted in disapproving of others.” -Anonymous

‎”I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” -Maya Angelou

‎”Don’t prepare the path for the child, prepare the child for the path.” – Anonymous

“To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.” – Confucius

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.” – David Russel

‎”Respect and trust can never be taken for granted. They are attributes that have to be proven. They are also directly reciprocal to the behaviour of others.” – Elaine Sihera

“Selfishness is expecting others to be responsible for my feelings. Taking responsibility for my own feelings is loving.” – Erika Chopich

“When we succeed in ignoring negative behavior we should celebrate ourselves. And when we slip and behave bitchy we should own it, apologize, and forgive ourselves. We’re not perfect, but we do our best.” – Jenna

“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

© 2011 Jenna Korf      All Rights Reserved

(photo credit: Prozak 1)
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