Great… Just what I wanted to hear.

I write, as best as I can on this blog and in the book, about owning your own shit. We didn’t actually call Chapter Two that, because I guess one expletive a book is enough. So Chapter Two is called Own Your Own Crap, but the idea is the same: one of the first steps in creating a breakthrough when a situation is bad is to own your own shit. In other words, take responsibility for the muck that you’re bringing to the table when there’s ongoing conflict.

The very notion is completely counter-intuitive for most people. We’ve got an entire lifetime’s worth of habit helping us to look outside ourselves at external circumstances — and using them to decide whether things in our life are “good” or “bad.”

But really, we all inherently know that what determines how our “reality” really seems to go has mostly to do with what’s in our own little marble-filled noggin….

It’s just that most of us (self included) often feel perpetually resistant to looking at what’s rolling around inside our noggins.

We walk around feeling as if we’re mostly “right” and know how things should be. End of story.

But ironically, we also walk around also feeling like if only people could REALLY see inside us, they’d run for the hills, so we’re also mostly “wrong,” but that part is supposed to be a secret.

What’s ironic is that everyone feels this hidden sense of shame and random guilt, but no one is supposed to know it! So we pretend we don’t and work hard to cultivate our surface presentation of who we are. And we’re like some little cartoon microcosmic universe of busy people, living purposeful lives, zooming around — on task and on target.

Which leads me to my confession….

In a moment at the end of the show, I found myself feeling pretty stirred up, after hearing the mom, stepmom and dad who were on during the second half of the show talk at length about their problems with each other.

Emotionally, I kept coming back to their teenage son. After hearing various stories from each adult about situations they were struggling with, I started to get truly exasperated.

No, you’re not supposed to have emotional reactions like that on national TV, especially if you’ve written a book about that particular topic. You’re supposed to be impassive, detached, operating from a higher level of professionalism and objectivity.

But damn, the stuff I was hearing just made me think about what this kid’s experience of his parents and stepmom must be like and how painful it must have been. And judging from what the adults were saying, there was only going to be more of it, possibly into perpetuity.

I was thinking, THIS is what we’re doing to our children, making them feel schizoid and fragmented, putting pressure on them to buy into one parent or teams’ version of reality, of being right, of being the better parent, supposedly fueled by their love for the child. We go back and forth with the other side as if someday they’ll wake up and realize what an idiot they’ve been this entire time, say they’re sorry and start doing things YOUR way.

And in the meantime, the kid is like a old football, being kicked across a field.

So I had a little “moment” there, at the end, where I tried to say to them that their behavior had to change, for their son’s sake.

I was kind of worked up. I think there might have been finger-pointing (cringe). I felt passionate about what I was saying.

And if that had been the end of it, it could have made for some pretty good TV, because hey, isn’t that what TV is all about? Passion? Intensity? Vulnerability? Kleenex?

But the problem is, what I said was also fueled by a sense of judgment. I felt judgmental towards the adults. And even for a bit here and there, superior, like I had figured out something they hadn’t.

Hate to say it, but there it is. You’ll probably see it for yourself anyway.

Now, have I ever put my kids in the middle of battles between Carol and David and I? Have I ever used them as ammunition?

Nah….

Okay, actually

Yeah….

Plenty. Not really so much anymore, but before we were all skipping through the fields of flowers in slow motion, you bet your ass I did.

And I STILL feel guilty about this, and rightfully so, which is maybe also why it was easy to just slide into feeling judgmental with the other adults on the show. You hide from stuff inside yourself – it still finds a way to leak out.

My ex-husband David told me it seemed like I was scolding them, even though he could tell "my heart was in the right place." He said I looked pissed. Carol assured me it was the right thing to say, "given the moment."

Personally, remembering the whole thing makes me want to crawl under my bed.

So… if I come across like a total sanctimonious scold, I’ll live — and I’m sure the shame of doing this in front of millions of people will fade eventually, like maybe when I’m in my eighties or something.

But more than that, my little “moment” is a great example of how easy it is to slip right back into our ego-filled positions of self-righteousness, even when we’re also responding to something compassionate and caring in our hearts.

Sure, we love our children. We want to do right by them.

But we get caught up in the experience of war with the adults in these bi-nuclear family situations, because it’s all too easy to be offended by the other side, for our own actions to be misinterpreted, for the lines of communication to become horribly mangled and crossed.

Our fallback position of wanting so very much to be “right,” to be better, to be in control — that stuff always seems to rise to the surface, no matter how altruistic we might be in our calmer, more centered moments. It’s human nature.

But we always have a choice about how we ultimately respond to our very human natures.

What happens when you make a mistake? Do you make amends, at least eventually? Do you brush it under the metaphorical carpet, hoping no one will notice, grateful for the passage of time and the obscuring dustcloud of busyness that we all seem to live in?

I apologized immediately after the show to the stepmom and dad who were on the show, but I still haven’t done so with the mom, whose contact information I have (she was on by satellite).

I need to handle that…. And will.

We all screw up.

And we will continue to, despite our best intentions and “knowledge” about how not to do that.

It’s what we do with our mistake afterward that matters.

Facing the discomfort is the first step. And kind of like going to the dentist or exercising, once you get going, it’s not so bad. You face that brakes-on feeling of resistance and then, lo and behold, you actually create room for change, growth and healing.

It’s a work in progress – this learning about being human, connecting with others past our own egos, owning our own shit. I know I’ll be learning about it ‘til the day I die.

And you?

Where are you
in the dung pasture? How far to the safety of the fence? Most importantly, what kind of shoes are you wearing?!

The show is on one week from today (Tuesday, Dec. 1^st).
I hope you’ll tune in!

Your thoughts?

I had big plans to write a summary of what the whole experience was like, but I swear, we must have used up a year's worth of adrenalin last week and I just couldn't muster the wherewithal to put my thoughts to paper. Let's just say it was pretty surreal. We were terrified, but everyone was incredibly, unbelievably nice, which helped.

And Dr. Phil was tall.

And my heart went out to the other trio on the show, for different reasons. I could identify with each one of them and they seemed to be having a tough time, even though the two parents divorced nine years ago. I won't spoil the story and tell you what happened between them – you'll just have to see for yourself and come to your own conclusions!

By the time the show was over, I think the three of us had to suppress gargantuan yelps of joy that we had made it through alive. But no… we were now seasoned professionals, so we simply smiled and nodded to everyone as we did the royal wave down the long halls, returned to our bulb-lit dressing rooms, and performed a reverse-Cinderella (washing our faces THREE times and returning to Slackerville, clothes-wise). 

This week, I'm in San Francisco to help out with a family situation and won't have access to a computer during the day, so I won't be posting much until next week.

But I just wanted to say I really appreciated everyone's help who sent in questions (which I passed along to the producers) and helped publicize our search for additional guests. Thanks people's! Y'all are the best!

I hope this show plays a small part in getting a bigger discussion going about theses challenging bi-nuclear family issues. Lots of folks are suffering in isolation, thinking they're handling these situations poorly, when in fact, they're right there with the rest of us, stumbling around.

More soon!

Have one?!

They're also looking for questions to be submitted by video, so obviously that can be from anywhere!

If anyone is interested in attending the show and asking a question or sending in a video, they can either contact the show with the subject "STEPMOM/MOM CONFLICT – 11/3/09" in the subject line, or they can send me a message at marine2marine@gmail.com and I'll pass it along to the producer.

We'll still be on and we'd love to see you if you live in the area! 

Thanks!

-Jen

And we're ON for the Dr. Phil Show for sure!

Airline tickets were purchased a few days ago and they found a great stepmom/mom team in need of some help. Woohoo!! I know a lot of stepmoms in particular will be very, very interested in what happens with these two women. Let's send them a big dose of good wishes in advance, okay? Can you imagine how nerve-wracking this might be for them??!!

Shooting footage at our houses yesterday was fascinating, but also surreal. Strange to have to keep breaking down your answers into proper sentences without the um's and well's and uh's – and using names instead of pronouns. Hard to put feeling into it when you're saying the same basic thing (with slight variations) for the 3rd or 4th time. And how many of us would love to have a camera about five inches from our face???

At least our homes are spotless now. Just like when you have a party. Only different.

David, Carol and I leave for L.A. Monday morning, they tape the show on Tuesday, and I don't know when the air date will be, but I'll let everyone know as soon as we do. (Could be next week. Could be the week after that…)

And our lovely and talented camerawoman wasn't Barbara Walters, but she did manage to make me cry, more than once. I'm half afraid that the co-mingling of two parallel facts is going to be interpreted the wrong way on the air, but… I'll have to come back to that later.

Turning in early tonight so Izzy and I we can get up at the crack of dawn and pretend we're farmers, planting books in the fields…. In zip lock baggies. During dry weather.

Okay, maybe just laying them on a pretty table with flowers. 

Please continue to send in questions you'd like us to cover on Tuesday while we're wearing our adult diapers, on stage.

More soon!!

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine    All Rights Reserved

Keep those messages coming! (marine2marine@gmail.com)

As it stands, there's a film crew coming to my house tomorrow morning at 8 sharp, so I'm doing my best not to freak out (hilarious task). We all fly out on Monday and then shoot on Tuesday, then fly back home after the show.

David (Carol's husband, my ex) will apparently be up on the stage with us for a portion of our segment (the first half of the show, whoa), so all you stepmoms out there who would love to have your guy get a dude's perspective should set up your recorders! He's quaking in his boots, because, while Carol and I have had the benefit of countless interviews together, he hasn't….

They'll be giving everyone in the audience a copy of our book, which is REALLY cool!

QUESTIONS FOR YOU:

What would YOU like to hear us talk about on the show?

What are your most pressing concerns?

What really needs to be talked about when it comes to this subject?

Here's your chance to shape the discussion of these issues, with the stepmom, the father and the ex-wife, all in the same room with a no-BS therapist (that would be DP himself).

Your thoughts???

Carol and I have the opportunity to be on the Dr. Phil show next Tuesday and are doing a pre-interview with a producer today. We're looking for two (update: now only one) stepmom/mom sets of women who can't stand each other who are willing to be on the show with us on Tuesday, Nov. 3rd.

If the show/we can't come up with an unhappy counterpart to "us," then we might not be on either! We're trying to find someone as soon as possible.

I know the idea of baring your soul (and neck) on national television is kind of scary, but it's a real chance at creating some movement and understanding in this relationship, and could potentially help a lot of folks as they vicariously share the experience. Mom and stepmom participants would have the opportunity to get some focused help from him… and us! Also, hotel and airfare for the trip would be covered by the show.

It sure would feel great to help contribute to a breakthrough between people. These relationships can be so painful and fraught, and yet, when you finally make a connection, so incredibly healing and supportive too.

Think about it…. The benefits of a more cooperative relationship between stepmoms and moms, even if it's simply more of a business arrangement, include:

• a cohesive set of rules between the houses so that the children can't manipulate the adults, escape consequences
• stronger, more stable marriages with less gossiping, venting, negative focus
• better parenting; more brainstorming and support from the people who know the kids best
• happier children who have more of a contained “nest” for them
• less stress for everyone all around

I'm sure we're all in agreement about how important it is to increase media coverage for stepmom, stepfamily, and dual-family issues (including the single parents) after divorce and remarriage.

Why is hardly anyone talking about the dynamics — and risks — of these two-family situations, or better yet, how to navigate them in a healthy way?? With an almost 75% divorce rate for stepfamilies, and a lack of "mended relationship" models for children to internalize (and draw from later as adults), there's a lot at stake! Getting on Dr. Phil would be one way to encourage a larger dialogue.

Interested? If so, drop me (Jennifer Newcomb Marine) a line at: marine2marine@gmail.com.

(Latest update: had a great phone interview and will do a second one later on today too. "A crew" will be coming to our respective houses to shoot some footage THIS Thursday and both Carol and I are terrified!!!)

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine     All Rights Reserved

I'd love to hear from you!!

I just came back from visiting my daughter Sophie, who moved out a short time ago into her own cool, little abode with roommates just north of the university. She's got the flu (or maybe just a cold) right now and it felt good to take her some soup, a few groceries, give her a hug, and hang out on her bed gabbing (while internally blessing my immune system to do its mighty job).

When kids leave the nest, you miss them.

You've got to make an effort to stay connected to them, because life rearranges itself to fill up any empty spaces with busyness and details and new problems and responsibilities, and next thing you know, it's been days since you've last really talked!

We all know what that's like when it happens with the children or partner or friends in our lives — and it's actually not any different with these dual-family relationships either. David and Carol were in Germany recently for almost a month visiting relatives. And because of one technical issue or another, we never were able to talk on the phone or by skype the entire time, which was weird.

For no good reason, a part of me starting thinking, is one of them mad at me? Is anything the matter? And irrationally, part of me also started feeling annoyed, like, fine! hmph!

Totally groundless reactions, but that's what our little hamster brains do in the absence of information sometimes, doesn't it?

When Carol came back a week early to teach a workshop, I made a note of her return, forgot to call her to check in, and then began to notice, hey — she hasn't called me either!

Stupid stuff. Because really, the poor woman was totally jet-lagged and hopped straight into teaching a three-day, all-day painting workshop and was actually out of her mind with fatigue, so it's not like the very first thing she's going to do is call me!

And why hadn't I picked up the phone either?

When we finally did talk, it was wonderful to catch up and we were both clearly happy and excited to do so. I'd missed her!

Same thing with David….

They came over one evening and we all hung out, slouched on the couches in the living room; talking about their trip, laughing, the latest things on our minds with life and romance and the girls and what Jacob (their 4 year old son) thought of Germany. Time flew by until we all realized it was late and they had a long car ride home, so we hugged good-bye.

It was soooo good to connect with people I love and care about. They're my family! It may sound bizarre to people who are also in divorced situations, but David and Carol are actually two of my closest friends and I know they feel the same way.

The combination of time and distance in a relationship can lend itself to imagined problems where there are none, even with people you're close to.

So why in the world do our minds do this?!

Is it just a function of general neurosis?

Insanity?

Or are we trying to protect ourselves against any potential problems, so we can head them off at the pass?

What do you think?

If you're working on improving your relationship with the mom or stepmom, check and see if this dynamic might be at work…. If so, that's actually a good thing, because it's one extra burden you get to shrug off and simply toss to the ground.

What a relief.

Wishing you strong connections and a happy family life!

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine    All Rights Reserved

As a writer friend of mine sometimes says, sometimes the fields need to lie fallow before they're ready to be planted again….

I needed to take some time to rethink some things about what I talk about on this here blog and now I'm eager to jump back in. I'd like to move in a different direction – one that's a bit more personal and in the moment – whether it has to do with family challenges and struggles, or emotional conundrums I'm trying to think my way through that are related to the same topic.

I was feeling pressured to provide "prescriptive" answers and getting discouraged that I couldn't solve everyone's problems! (Ha! As if that were even possible. Very self-absorbed of me.) What I love most is to ask questions WITH people, to look TOGETHER and see what we find. So that's what I'll be getting back to — exploration!

I'll be back later on today with a new post, after I go row in the rain.

A happy Monday morning to everyone!

Being in a stepfamily has its unique challenges, but there are also many opportunities to create new and lasting connections, new opportunities for love and support. Surprising little islands of closeness and intimacy, the chance to really see each other anew. Sure, I hear many stories about how hard it is, but I also hear lots of stories about how folks have made it work.

The wonderful thing about being human? Even if things are bad, they can change in an instant with words from the heart, with vulnerability, with emotional bravery.

So to all those folks out there who are trying, who are giving it their best, who keep hanging in there sometimes through hurt feelings and misunderstandings, I salute you!

And to those of you who have started to create a solid line of happy memories behind you that are building up, I salute you too!

If you’re not in a stepfamily and are a single parent, you might also want to take a moment to reflect on how tricky it can be to a part of one of these family units, with various loyalties jockeying for position. We all want the best for our kids, don’t we? We want them to live in an atmosphere of love and support and stability, so send the stepfamily in your life a little wish for peace and happiness, just for today!

Here’s a little song to share, even though it has nothing to do with families or the topic of this blog, called Micro Melodies. It’s just one of my favorite songs in the whole world, from a wonderful band called The Album Leaf. I often write to their music and this song in particularly makes me insanely happy.

You know how you can hear and imagine reflections of human emotions and experiences in music? Perhaps there’s a hint of life’s challenges in these chords, which then always go back to a lighter, more joyful place, along with a certain quirkiness that appeals. (Remind me never to try to earn a living as a music critic!).

At any rate, enjoy! (and ignore the video part, which is a just a static picture of a city).

And enjoy the day!

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved