Family relationships after divorce need a revolution.

Divorce is extremely common in the United States, and remarriage almost equally so. And we cling to the idea that stepparents or the new girlfriend is an anomaly, an intrusion.

We’re not supposed to get along with the stepparents of our children. In fact, we’re supposed to hate them.

Meanwhile, children involved suffer terribly from the conflicting house rules, spiteful interactions between parents and their new spouses, and hostile households.

We know. We lived through it ourselves. We realized that something needed to change – for everyone, and for the children.

Our Story

(Jennifer’s on the left, Carol’s on the right)

For the first two years of my ex-husband David’s remarriage, I avoided his new wife. I resented this new marriage of his and couldn’t stand the idea of her taking my place in the family.

Our daughters were often caught in a web of hostility between the two households. David and I still hadn’t resolved many of the issues that initially led to our divorce, and our relationship was by no means easy. Carol and I avoided one another like the plague.

After all, we weren’t supposed to like each other. Stepmoms and ex-wives are supposed to look at one another and snidely think, “I can’t stand that bitch.”

That’s how it works, right?

It may be easier to automatically dislike this new person. But it was bad for all of our relationships with one another and especially with the children.

We finally came to a turning point one day when I stepped into David and Carol’s living room and saw an enormous painting she’d done of my youngest daughter. My daughter looked so happy. The painting had been done with such love.

When this beautiful girl in the picture grew up, got married, and had children of her own, how was she going to create stable relationships if the only conflict resolution she’d seen was the very poor example we’d been showing her and her sister for the last two years?

All the petty hatred I’d been nursing suddenly seemed like the worst possible way to keep going, even if it was traditional. Even if it was what I was supposed to feel toward Carol, it still felt wrong.

That’s when the revolution started.

Carol and I threw out the old rulebook for how ex-wives and stepmoms have to get along. We decided that no one was the bitch. We decided we could create a healthy, functional extended family that included good parenting, happy kids, strong marriages, and adults who behaved – well – like adults, instead of squabbling, name-calling children.

It wasn’t easy. We’ve had disagreements over money, over how to discipline the kids, over bad communication. But we didn’t give up.

We made compromises and resolved problems. We repaired the damaged relationships and built new, more solid ones in the place of the wreckage. We created common rules between households so the children had a more stable environment. We share holiday meals and we even have a joint bank account for common expenses.

Oh, yeah. And the stepmom and the ex who were supposed to hate each other?

Now we’re close, supportive, caring friends.

It’s a heck of a lot better than being a bitch.

About Us

Jennifer Newcomb Marine is a freelance writer and nonfiction book consultant. She has presented workshops on parenting and creativity, and has taught video production classes to children and teens. She’s an avid traveler, rock climber, and rower.

Carol Marine is a successful fine artist whose work has been featured in national and local publications, as well as a variety of galleries. Her A Painting a Day website has an avid following and her international painting workshops often sell out months in advance. She’s a passionate photographer and outdoor enthusiast.

Carol is stepmom to Jennifer and David’s two lovely teenage daughters, and Jennifer is honorary aunt to Carol and David’s young son.

We’ve been featured in The Washington Post, Canada’s Globe and Mail, Publisher’s Weekly, Library Journal, The Huffington Post,numerous radio shows, online reviews and interviews, and most recently, on The Dr. Phil Show as featured guests for a full half-hour, December 2009.

(Website by the fabulous Men with Pens)