Do you think you’re able to change someone? I’m guessing intellectually you know you can’t. After all, how many times have you heard “The only person you can control is yourself”?
Yet you continue to think:
“Maybe if I’m nicer to her…”
“Maybe if I appease her…”
“Maybe if I ignore her…”
“Maybe if I kill her with kindness…”
Aren’t these all attempts to alter someone’s behavior?
In one of my earliest blog posts I describe how I thought I could change my husband’s ex wife’s behavior by giving her advice. It went over really well.
We can’t change someone’s behavior, values or the filter they see life through, to fit our needs.
People in high emotional conflict can’t see the good intention or hear the words that are meant to help.
In some cases we can influence, give others another perspective that may lead to insight on their behalf. But this usually happens with people we have an established relationship with; are close to and respected by.
Not quite the description of your relationship with the mom or stepmom in your life. Right?
Whatever is going on with her, it’s bigger than you.
Release yourself from this burden. Lighten your load.
Honor your own moral standard as best you can and repeat to yourself “I am not responsible for her actions.“
Focus on what is your responsibility (at least partly) – the dynamic in your household. Make changes as you see fit.
Less worrying. More laughing.
Less stress. More fun.
Less anger. More love.
Real, lasting change will only come from within. What sort of change are you looking for?
© 2011 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
(Photo credit: Tina Phillips)
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I like this post. It puts the anguish I’m feeling about this new school year for the kids in perspective. I’m bound to have to run into the kids’ mother more and I’m feeling quite uneasy about it. It’s like I don’t even know how to act anymore around her. I was being friendly but now with another court date on the horizon for my husband and her regarding a modification in child support (she wanting triple what she gets now even with 50/50 physical custody), things have went so far south again. There is lots of underlying tension. He has asked her to stop emailing me and she is taking it to the extreme and won’t even talk to me on the phone about a child related question/request. It was almost better this summer without kid activities because we could pretend the other didn’t exist. I want to put on a happy face and be friendly for my sake and hers but not too friendly that it upsets my hubby. I just feel at a loss and need to remember to rise above it. I’m just having trouble getting back to that point again. I know I need to work on me – first and foremost – before I can bring any value to these interactions. Thanks for letting me vent.
Thanks for the comment, Amyleigh. It sounds like you need a refresher in some self-love, self-nurturing! When you’re okay with you, you’ll know how to act around her
. Hang in there!
I encourage every step mom to remember you are a step up from what your husband left behind. No comparison, just a choice he made to marry you. After a few years of turmoil and being accused of everything in the book even while on vacation. It has been a great journey to know I am blessed to be the woman my husband married even if it takes therapy, vacations, manicures, pedicures, massage therapy, afternoon tea, yoga, walks on the beach, wonderful gourmet dinners from my husband the chef, home improvement projects to bring zen and relaxation to the mind, home and family. The list is endless, oh no time for drama as I have fully taken a lifestyle change to maintain the gift of peace. Therefore, a court appearance ok let’s have a spa day! After court, lets do something romantic…it’s never about anyone else except my husband and I because that is how God looks at us as one! And so do your kids! Everyone else is just a world wind triging to mess up my hair, thank God I have curly hair… Lol. So just let your hair down and embrace your challenges.