(Disclaimer: these descriptions don’t encompass all situations. There are outliers and extremes and hundreds of different scenarios. But these are the most common experiences for many stepmoms.)
1. She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband.
Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs.
Some of them will grow to love their stepchildren and some won’t, but they’re doing their best to ensure the child still grows up feeling happy and loved.
They’re nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.
2. It’s not about YOU.
A stepmom’s priority is her marriage. When she does something for her stepchild, often the motivation has nothing to do with you. It’s not about trying to make you look bad or make you feel “less than.”
The motivation is the safety and happiness of her stepchild. The motivation is the love she has for her husband.
She’s trying to do the right thing – just like you would.
Similarly, when she supports her husband, the intention is not to go “against” you. In fact, there are times when stepmoms actually side with mom, although — unless you have a decent relationship with the stepmom in your situation — you’d never know it.
3. Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.
Stepmoms have no legal rights with their stepchild. They understand this; their stepchild already has a mom and a dad. But it gets difficult when they’re turned away for trying to obtain something as simple as a library card for their stepson or stepdaughter. Or when the doctor’s office won’t give them any information, even though they will be the one driving the child to the appointment and giving them their medication.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for stepmoms who have taken care of their stepchildren since they were very small.
It can make a woman feel unimportant and insignificant. It’s a feeling only a fellow stepmom could understand.
In addition, stepmoms are often powerless when it comes to their stepchild’s behavior. This is a struggle, because they are greatly affected by the unwanted behavior, but they don’t have the authority to do anything about it. If they’re lucky, their husband will be supportive and listen to their concerns, but this isn’t always the case.
4. When you contact their household, it often feels weird and disruptive. Stepmoms know you have the right to call your children as often as you’d like. And they understand you need to talk to your ex occasionally about parenting issues. But it can still feel like an intrusion.
Stepmoms are constantly struggling to find ways to bond with their stepchildren. And when you call, it interrupts the activity in the house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding that was going on is gone.
Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of that.
5. Stepmoms don’t cross your boundaries on purpose, they just can’t see them.
Many moms complain that the stepmom is trying to “parent” their child. But a fundamental problem seems to be, what moms consider “parenting,” stepmoms consider “being responsible” or “supporting their husbands.”
Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.
They’re stumbling along, figuring it out as they go. And it’s difficult to try and do the ‘right thing’ only to realize you’ve just caused mom a coronary. It’s not intentional.
Stepmoms wish there was a rule book. They wish the situations were black and white. They wish they could be on the same page as mom and dad, and know how to handle every situation.
But they don’t.
This is where neutral, open communication would be to everyone’s advantage.
Unfortunately, for many stepmoms, their first experience of mom is an emotionally-charged phone call, email or text telling her she has “no right” to do whatever it is she did. To a stepmom, this feels like you’re kicking her when she’s already down. It comes as a shock — because again — her primary intention was to help her husband and care for her stepchild.
6. A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing. And one Boston study reported that 75% of the women who were surveyed said if they had it to do all over, they would NOT marry a man with children. That says a lot about the difficulties stepmoms face.
This may not mean much to you personally, but it means your children will have to experience the prolonged process of a second divorce and deal with the aftermath.
7. Stepmoms are often disrespected or ignored by their stepchildren. There are various reasons for this, chief among them understandable and agonizing loyalty conflicts for the child, but regardless — it still hurts. Stepmoms are only human!
Life isn’t always flowers and butterflies at the other household. Many children feel weird about having a stepmom. They don’t know what it means or what to do with it, so they act out or just ignore the stepmom, which is awkward for everyone.
And most stepmoms don’t have “unconditional love” to fall back on. When a child misbehaves, wreaks havoc, or throws a tantrum, parents may get angry and frustrated, but their unconditional love makes it bearable.
Stepmoms aren’t so lucky. There’s no unconditional love coming to rescue them from wanting to scream at their stepchild or run the other way, sob somewhere private, and never look back. All they have are difficult feelings and nowhere to put them.
But they do come back, day after day, because they believe their marriage and their stepfamily are worth it.
8. A simple “thank you” can go a long way.
Stepmoms wish you’d give them even the smallest acknowledgement. For a lot of women, being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve ever done. Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t create.
Many stepmoms take excellent care of their stepchild, with little or no reward. They get no thank you, no love from the child, and no appreciation from anyone but their husband — if they’re lucky.
They make many sacrifices in order to be with the man they love. So to only be referenced as “she” (or even worse), or to be completely ignored by you, can hurt them deeply. What they wouldn’t give for a simple “thank you” or a nod in their direction.
I believe that kind of recognition can heal wounds.
Do stepmoms ever act from ego or a sense of competition with the ex-wife?
Sure, just as some moms do.
But it’s important to grasp the implications of a bigger context here: being a stepmom is uniquely difficult and confusing. If you’re a mom, could you see yourself struggling in her shoes?
Perhaps, one day, with a better understanding of each other, the mom/stepmom relationship will be one of championing the other, instead of automatic conflict.
Related Posts:
- What all stepmoms should know about divorced moms
- Who’s that jerk driving that car?!
- A challenge: Just meet her!
© 2011 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
(New here? Join our no-cost, private member’s community for some unique tools and hands-on support. Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter and check out excerpts from our book or audio book.)
(Photo by Evgeni Dinev)
© 2011 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
(New here? Join our no-cost, private member’s community for some unique tools and hands-on support. Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter and check out excerpts from our book or
stepmom, it’s really a pretty simple thing.
Do you have any idea what kind of craziness most mothers go through trying to find good childcare for their children? It’s an exhaustive and exhausting process: we research, trade notes, visit, observe, visit again, compare notes, research more. Why? Because we want to know who in hell the people who’ll be taking care of our children are and how capable they are of doing it well. Only after a lot of inspection do we trust other people with our children, and then it’s limited: yes to sitting while we’re out, no to staying over, or yes to staying over, but no to the child going to the sitter’s apartment, etc. Sitters and daycare people understand this. When I advertise for a sitter, I get resumes and references, without asking.
When a stepmom walks in, we have no idea who you are or what you know about taking care of children. We don’t know anything about your values, your education, your ideas about discipline, your experience with enforcing it. All we really know is that our ex-husband likes having sex with you. The odds that he’s all that careful about choosing someone to do childcare aren’t great; likely he wasn’t much involved with the childcare research first time around. And we know that you’re okay with being with our exes, which, depending on the guy, may not be a plus in our eyes.
We also know that tangled up in your care of our children is your sexual/romantic relationship. Odds are pretty good that you’re trying to prove something through the care of our children, which means that you’re using them. We don’t want our children used as tokens in your romantic relationship. We wish you wouldn’t do it, and know that you probably will anyway.
About friends’ parents: Apples and oranges. First of all, unless the kid’s a teenager, nobody just sends a kid over to another kid’s house without knowing who’s there. You go, you meet the parents, maybe you stay a while, glance around the house, see if the parents are with it & all there, whether there’s anything dangerous, etc. Chances are it’s fine but you’d be irresponsible not to check. Second, the stepmom or girlfriend is not a friend’s mom. She’s the dad’s woman. The kids know the difference, and the stepmom should too.
Mostly we’re worried about — well, a few things.
- That you’ll have no idea what you’re doing and will want to learn parenting on our kid.
- That your values will be in conflict with ours.
- That you’ll hurt our kids but be too wrapped up in your relationship to notice or, maybe, care.
- That you’ll be insecure and use our kids to prove something — to yourself, to your man.
- That you’ll be unstable and mess our kids about.
Just as a litmus, ask yourself this: The kids are at the dad’s house why? To be with their dad. What do you think it means to them that he’s taken off and left them with you? Frankly, I don’t want to hear talk about all the things the man deserves to do and the living he has to earn. I’m the mom who arranges my work and play around my child’s schedule. If she’s here, I’m almost always here. If I’m working, I don’t have an ad-hoc arrangement; she’s either with a babysitter she loves, or playing with friends, or in a program which isn’t about killing time till I’m done, but is about her growth, friendships, and education. I’m posting this at 3 am because I’ve been up till 2 working. She’s asleep: now I work. At home. If it means taking the income hit, so be it. I don’t hand the kid to a lover who just happens to be there and take off.
To you, the man “happens to have kids”. To the mom, the kids are the major fact of life. Do you not see the difference?
All that said, if the stepmom is great and can get along, can slot herself into this divorced but pre-existing family without making my life harder and the kid’s life unhappier, wonderful. Great. Otherwise? No, not enthusiastic.
I guess you would say it SUCKS be in the Step-mom catagory! I am NOTHING like those other women that are so horrible to the children or BM. I am my husbands 1st wife! He was young when he had my SS and he is a wonderful person because of it. My SS’s BM isn’t around much and comes and goes when ever she pleasesm She went over 6 months without any contact with her son. My husband has Full Custody of his son and is supposed to be getting child support, but we don’t see much of it because she doesn’t work often. It is amazing how I am the one who has been by my SS’s side for EVERYTHING, and BM hasn’t. I have been the person he talks to for anything. Now I want to stop being compared to being such a horrible person when all I am doing is being a Mom to him because his isn’t around! He doesn’t call me Mom- he calls me by my first name and that is fine. I have never said he has to call me mom, and My Husband & told him I was trying to take over like she never existed. So Please to call me out as a bad person, because I feel like I am a lucky person to be by my husbands side to help raise our son. I did say it, but I don’t care!
My husbands ex-wife refused to meet me after our engagement. I wanted her to know me since they have split custody and 50% of the time their child would be with her father and myself. She was 6 at the time we started dating, and they had been divorced for 2 yrs. and had been apart since she was born ( mom had several affairs and dad left after he found out about the last one. )
I have 2 children from my previous marriage, now my ex and I do not speak at all ( he had an affair during the marriage we had been divorced about the same time/ separated the same length of time/ he is also remarried), his spouse and I couldn’t get along after incidents where she refused to feed the children while he was at work (when he kept them during breaks from school), she embarrassed my daughter after she started her period and called to inform me of what I “SHOULD” train her to do because that’s “trifling”, and final straw she pushed my sons head into the wall to punish him for not going to sleep cause her “husband” had to be at work. Done we don’t talk or see each other!!! So, I have been on both sides. I have always been a cant we all just get a long type of person, slight hippie and a bit eclectic… She HATES me.
Both of them. But my husband ex-wife thinks I am sub-standard right off because I am with her “sloppy seconds”, and she can’t hide the disgust in her face when she sees me (which is rare, because she refuses to speak to me unless it about an accusation, she texts my husband to let me know she’s on the way to drop her off when I’m the only one home, she texts him when she’s outside the door ( once I caught her because I was watching from the window ), she tells him all of her business with her life ( the man she had an affair with is now her husband… Their trying to have a baby) she made sure my husband knew it, she went over the top to invite us to her wedding ( which was 1yr. & 6 days after ours ) she at first played like it was the same day to my husbands family. If I comb the child’s hair because we have been swimming or it gets messed up, she IMMEDIATELY redoes her hair even if it’s intricate braids. She just a little over a month ago accused me of forcing a 7 yr old to clean an entire house by herself ( I mean, come on this is not Cinderella! )
She found out me and my husband had a big arguement and called im to say. ” See I wasn’t that bad after all, huh?” oh, and when she found out we discuss their conversation to come to resolutions as a couple, she told him ” I though you and I conversation we’re private?” I won’t call you anymore.
I don’t know where her toes or bricks or boundaries are, because I don’t think she even understands the words. If I am nice to your and my husbands child is is not an affront to you, I do it because I like/ love the child, and I respect her enough not to belittle you or battle you where she is concerned ( something’s are common sense ).
Analogy of my own… I would do ice things for a friend, I would buy them thing and/ or take them to special places. If some part of their life concerned me we would discuss it, and I would find things we have in common or share an interest in and we would share some of those things. I would most certainly care for my friend and show up when she wanted/ needed me. And, Yes, if she is a girl we would do each other hair. We would argue and debate, and if she/he is dong something I feel is wrong I would freely express that. That doesn’t mean I own her or that I am trying to replace anyone in my friends life. There are bonds gained in friendships too, other friends may get jealous, but that is normal. Our friendship IS personal.
I have nothing to prove to my stepchild (which is a word we don’t use), and she does call me mom after about 1 yr. Yes she chose to.
Whew the s**** hit the fan that time… Anyway.
Don’t be so selfish, and catty. We have the ability to love SO many people in our own special ways, none overshadowing the others. Let the EGO go. Your children are not property they are responsibility, and legacy. Truth, we all need all the help we can get so why shut someone else out, before you have even opened the proverbial “book”.
After we have let our EGO’s dig a hole can we turn it all around is the question… Some, yes. Others, maybe. Yet more, Heck No! Either get with the program or let it go. I just want to be as comfortable in this life as possible, but I’m tough enough to also ” fake it, til’ I make it. How about you?
Amy wrote:
When a stepmom walks in, we have no idea who you are or what you know about taking care of children. We don’t know anything about your values, your education, your ideas about discipline, your experience with enforcing it. All we really know is that our ex-husband likes having sex with you.
It bothers you knowing an ex husband enjoys sex with someone else.Like a current wife,doesn’t it?I’m a first ex-wife AND married to a man with children.As a Mom I understand you should at least meet the person,know enough to not have to worry about your children being abused,etc.But Amy,it’ ex wives with attitudes like yours that cause a Step-Mother to not only resent an ex-wife BUT also the children.As long as your ex husband is not having sex in front of your children it is none of your business.The only business you have is knowing your children are being treated decently and that you should take up with….their Father…. to ensure that is the case.It also means encouraging your children to behave like decent kids as opposed to little terrors toward the Step-Mom.
Amy wrote:
- That you’ll have no idea what you’re doing and will want to learn parenting on our kid.
- That your values will be in conflict with ours.
- That you’ll hurt our kids but be too wrapped up in your relationship to notice or, maybe, care.(that is also up to Mom to a point and Step-Mom is not responsible for your kids..the Father is-arrggg)
- That you’ll be insecure and use our kids to prove something — to yourself, to your man.
Well Amy,guess what will happen when your children go out into the world?Also a lot of Step-Moms go out of their way to be good to the children not to use them but because they desire their husbands children to like them.Many times though efforts are futile and Step-Mom backs off or completely disengages after repeated rejection and even abusive behavior toward her from the kids.Many times children are influenced by what they hear come out of the Mother’s mouth toward the Father and the current wife.Which is why I try very hard to say nothing negative about not only my ex husband but also his wife.I also encourage my child to have some respect for his Fathers wife.This makes it easier on MY CHILD even in adulthood.
Now this is opposite of my husband’s ex wife.They have been divorced for many years(years bf I met my husband)and she still tries to take on role of wife in some ways.She interacts with husband’s family like she is still the wife(the kids are grown,btw).Enlists her daughter to call her Father,turn on water works to coax him into agreeing to things that will make her life easier with no regard to the effects it has on our household.She assumes this daughter has the power to get results and she is right to a point but that is waning as my husband is catching on to it and is tiring of it.
If my husband and I have something good going on in our life it is not long before a phone call and some drama starts.This woman has a relationship of her own but STILL in one way or another makes darn good and sure her presence is felt by ALL and works to make sure she stays relevant in her ex husbands life and former in-laws life.It’s to the point I can not form a relationship with my husband’s family because this woman INSISTS putting herself out there to a high degree with them.Even with people who were not in the family when she was with my husband.This started as the relationship between my husband and I started getting serious.And continues to this day…
Is this the type of pathetic woman you want to be?And it is pathetic to hold on to something long dead that tightly instead of moving on.Even at the risk of damage to the children’s relationship with their oyher parent, a current relationship and to make married life a misery for someone who had absolutely nothing to do with the prior marriage failing.
You want someone who will treat your children decently?Give your children permission to form at least a friendship with the Step-Mom.Be cordial with the ex in-laws but back off some and move on.Realise even though you share children with your ex? You are no longer the wife and your ex has no obligation to you only responsibility to help raise and provide for the children.Don’t make whiney,feel sorry for me comments to your ex in-laws on social networking for pity and pitting purposes. And don’t request an invite from your ex-there is phone and email.
And Amy,just because your children spend time in your ex and current spouses home does not give you the right to go inside their home,snoop around and hang out.You were once married to your ex if the ex can’t be trusted to provide a safe,clean environment for his children then you shouldn’t have agreed to visitation in his home for your children.The Father is the PARENT not the Step-Mom.The Father is responsible for the children NOT the Step-Mom.The Step-Mom is not a babysitter or your personal go to girl for relief from duties.Want a babysitter?Hire one.Same goes for husbands who put this off on their wives and expect far too much and fail to put the ex,Mother of children or not,in her place…her own home,life and relationships NOT her ex husband’s.
Just as a litmus, ask yourself this: The kids are at the dad’s house why? To be with their dad. What do you think it means to them that he’s taken off and left them with you? Frankly, I don’t want to hear talk about all the things the man deserves to do and the living he has to earn.
Ok(Amy),I see you don’t agree to a Step babysitting after re reading.I happen to agree with you only because it should not be put upon the Step who is not responsible.If Dad has to work to provide for not only the kids but pay his bills and won’t hire a sitter?Keep em at home with you and collect your CS.That way the Dad will not expect his current wife to be the sitter.This is Dad’s expectations not the Step-Mom’s in many cases.Put that blame where it truly belongs.And yes children are at their Dad’s to see the Dad.But when one is married a home is shared between spouses.Therefore it is current spouses home as well and just because your kids are there does not mean the wife should just disappear….it is her home too.If you ever remarry is this the way you want your ex to view your household and time the children may spent with your husband?
You attitude does stink though….towards Step-Mother’s.That will only hurt your children in the long run and yourself too.
Amy,
I love your post and think it was very concise & well written. I am, frankly, shocked by the responses to your post. They highlight to me just how very, very differently mothers and new wives view this topic.
Alrighty Then,
It doesn’t bother first wives that the ex is having a sexual relationship, it’s just doesn’t necessarily mean you are qualified to provide adequate child care.
Amy:
I love your comment and find myself feeling the same way about most of what you have said. The problem that I’m readin in it are ones that I am also experiencing. Like you I am happy to have a great Stepmom be involved but I expect to know who she is, my ex getting into a sexual relationship with her does not qualify her to become a caregiver in my mind.
I think a lot of the frustration in my case comes from having.no introduction or knowledge of the SM type figure in our situation. Several years have passed and they are obviously in a long term committed relationship which means I am expected to be agreeable to allowing their relationship be a huge part of our child’s life but I have never actually met her. She’s an unknown and unfortunately my ex (though not a bad guy) has difficulty putting others needs before his own, even where his kid is involved. I tried to extend an invite to meet several years ago, which was ignored and now feel helpless. I don’t want to put on white gloves and check her dusting but we have had some issues with exposure to unnecessary things and I would like to feel safe when our child is there.
I don’t think pointing out that the SM is an unknown makes you difficult, it makes you responsible, which I believe both SM and BM should agree is better for th.kids
Amy, two things:
First, it is clear how little respect you have for stepmoms in general when you say that all you know is the ex likes having sex with them. Really? Then i assume that was the only reason he was with you, as well? Your hostility and dismissiveness show through right away here.
Secondly, we are not “child care.” No, of course you don’t get to choose and interview us like you would a babysitter, because that is not our role. Your children’s father is in charge of their care at his house. If you don’t trust him to do that, and to have people around your kids who are good influences, well, then maybe you shouldn’t have had kids with him. If you do in general think he is a good father, then i think you ought to work on letting go of the conviction that you ought to be in charge of what goes on at his house as well as at yours. I know that is a hard thing to swallow. But frankly, it is your only emotionally healthy response, both for you and your kids.
As a mother and ex-wife, I was really understanding where Amy was coming from… but she lost me at “all we really know is our ex-husband likes having sex with you..”
Right then and there, I realized I was reading a well thought out and nicely written bitter rant. Likely a response fueled by jealousy and obviously lacking any real knowledge of who it is that is helping to raise and care for your children.
I am also a step-mother, and a step-child.
If all you know is that your ex-husband likes having sex with his wife, then maybe you might want to invest a little time into getting to know the woman. If you believed that there was any value to your now failed marriage before the divorce, what would make you think that the man is incapable of loving or sharing the most intimate parts of himself with his bride? Do you assume that because you are the mother of his children, you will always be the best choice he ever made? I have some news for you… Your uterus has nothing to do with his marriage.
I cannot imagine how hard it is for a childless step-mother to come in and navigate her way into a family, my heart goes out to many of these women. But for those of us who have lived life as a single parent, successfully provided for our children, then met and fell in love with a man with similar history and circumstance… Your comment to this article sounds extremely belittling to women everywhere, while placing yourself on a pretty tall horse.
In any case, my belief is that the more people involved with a child who love him/her, the better. Unless you feel that your child is being abused or neglected on some way by his other family (because like it or not, step-mom IS family), than swallow your pride and attempt to be a good role model for your children. Intolerance is a learned behavior.
@Amy and her sympathizers … wow! Listen to @Tiffany, she was right that yours was a bitter rant from a ‘high horse’ belittling well-intentioned women who take on an impossible role. Is it wrong for a Bio-Mom to seek reassurance that her kids are with someone responsible? No. But when her kids are with Dad and Step-Mom, that’s Dad’s responsbility (as others have stated, if he’s not responsible, seek to have the custodial arrangement changed).
“All we know is our ex-husbands like having sex with you.”
Hahaha.. um, Amy? That’s all we know about you, too — how do you think your kids/our step-kids entered the scene??
“The odds that he’s all that careful about choosing someone to do childcare aren’t great.”
So he wasn’t carefully considering your maternal abilities when he was porking you, either, is what you’ve said… *yawn* OK…
Let’s look at your individual concerns:
- That you’ll have no idea what you’re doing and will want to learn parenting on our kid.
[Kind of like you did, learning as you went as a first-time parent? Kind of hypocritical... plus, not all SM's are first-time parents]
- That your values will be in conflict with ours.
[Apparently your 'values' conflicted with Dads otherwise y'all would still be together... and SM's just have to abide by Dad's wishes/values while the kids are with him. The truth is, not every bio-parent agrees with the other about rules, values, etc. The kids may end up w/different 'rules' when with mom vs. dad. Frankly, it's not a SM's job to ensure the kids abide by BM's values (unless that's what Dad agrees with) - SM's just have to uphold those values/rules that Dad imposes (you know, the 'other' biological parent who has just as much say as BM?)]
- That you’ll hurt our kids but be too wrapped up in your relationship to notice or, maybe, care.
[If a SM is 'hurting' a kid in any way, it's incumbent on Dad to step in and stop it.. don't trust him to do so? Then why the bleep did you have kids with him if you can't trust his parenting skills? Besides as article says, most SM's want to help, not hurt your kids. Are you complaining that Dad brings another loving adult into the house that has the gall to care for your kids?]
- That you’ll be insecure and use our kids to prove something — to yourself, to your man.
[See comment above -- kids are not a SM's vanity project, nor should they be yours. Judging by your mean-spirited post, your insecurity level is off the charts. Do you have a particular concern? Then be an adult and approach Dad and SM to discuss it. If kids are being mistreated, it should be pretty obvious to you as an observant and caring mother.]
- That you’ll be unstable and mess our kids about.
[Huh? BM's can be just as unstable, e.g. trashing SM for no reason when she's just trying to lovingly be a part of Dad's family, which involves your kids, w/o any benefit to her... if there's a problem Dad should handle, or seek a custodial change.]
Dad has a right to pursue happiness with another person who can accept and love his kids — you have that right, too. If either of you finds someone else, you each have responsilbity to make sure they abide by your parenting decisions and are good with your kids. Your rant above is just paranoia that something *might* be amiss… it actually sounds bitter that Dad left you and may have found someone that makes him happier.. or are you really just worried that your kids will end up having emotional attachment to another woman aside from you? If the SM is a good person, and a loving and good caretaker to your kids, you should be happy! The kids get the benefit of having another adult who cares for them and wants them to succeed! You should THANK her, not hate on her! That was the saddest diatribe ever…
Keep in mind a SM is sometimes giving up the ability to have her *own* kids, or certainly the ability for those kids to be her and Dad’s only concern.. She and Dad (your ex) may have their own, but his kids w/BM will always be Dad’s first committment. Both Dad and SM will devote time and money to BM’s kids and thus, have less for their *own*. This is an incredibly UNselfish sacrifice to be envied, whereas you are making it an object of scorn. I find that shameful and really hope your attitude changes, for the sake of all involved (kids, Dad, SM, and yourself included).
Best of luck.
it all depends.
In my case the stepmom refuses any basic contact with (me) the mom, e.g. to greet the mom and even exchange mobile number in case of an emergency. When I call on their landline and she gets the phone she puts it down instantly. When my son had an accident she refused to call me with my son being in A&E. And and and the list is countless and it is just tyring….
Kids are 30% of time with me. Dad would like to have more time. But with this total nutcase this is not possible.
By the way stepmom started an affair with my husband while being my friend and living in our house…
Sad situation for everybody and no prospect that stepmom will ever become reasonable.
Of course I am the terrible Ex whois so jealous and destroys her life (!!??).
sorry correction: 30% of time with husband and her…
I guess I’m the odd mom. I’ve been searching the internet trying to find “mom and stepmom open communication”. I want open communication with my ex’s gf. To do so I think would be best for my daughter. I have tried sitting down with my ex and the gf that is helping raise my child so I can go to school and make a better life for my daughter, after my daughter came home and told me that “daddy said it was ok to call X, “mom”. This, of course is not ok. I asked to arrange to sit down and talk to the both about it and all other issues with my daughter, but it has been blocked, I thought is was my ex blocking the communication but come to find out, its not. I called my daughter yesterday to check on her, she has the stomach bug
. I was having a lovely conversation with her when the phone went silent. I did the normal “hello, hello, are you there” before I hung up and called her right back. I hear the gf in the backround tell my daughter “ooooh, mom hung up on you”…. isnt that nice!
Wow I wish my step children’s BM would try to be nice and understanding and would read this article. I love my husband an his three children from his first marriage. I am a fairly new step mom but I had one daughter from a previous relationship and now my husband and I have a son together. We are making this blended family work! I love being a step mom. And PS Amy, it’s about more than the sex! A woman can have sex with any man
If she’s in a relationship where the man already had children and she has to deal with a pyscho ex, it’s because she loves him and wants very hard to make things work all together!
I frequently research sites to see what I can do differently or better. I’m engaged to a man who has 2 boys 14 and 17. He has been divorced for 5 years. I have no children but want some of our own eventually. His ex-wife is so incredibly rude to me. I can really appreciate this article because after reading it I felt understood. I don’t want to be their mom. I just want to be someone they trust, they can rely on, and of course, someone that supports them. And I do. Their mother sent me a text through her son’s phone telling me not to call her son ‘Sweetie’ that it was inappropriate. I sent a message back saying, ” No worries, I am afraid you might have taken it out of context. It was used as a term of endearment and that I can respect her wishes. Also, if you’d like to meet I think that would ease some of your concerns’.
She responded by saying ” I don’t want to meet you because I might like you. And if I like you, I will feel sorry for you” That just pissed me off to no end but I will tell you that for someone who is so concerned for her children, you would think they would want to meet the woman who her children spend time with on the weekends.
It is like I can do no right. If I get his son a birthday present, I am undermining her. If her son asks me for help on his homework, she calls me from her sons phone, telling me it’s not necessary. So which is it lady? I’m really tired of these first wives sounding off like their womb made them queen of the world. Listen, you got divorced. It sucks, it’s tragic but what the hell did you think was going to happen when you decided to leave the marriage? Other women will be around your kids. And the more you act like a dictator the more your child will see you are just a unreasonable. Again.. I don’t want to be their mom. They have one. Just be happy that someone buys your kids birthday presents, takes them to the skatepark when their dad is working, or helps them get a homework project done. Someone please tell me what can I do to improve? She doesn’t want to know me but she wants to tell me what I can and can’t do. How do you ex wives prefer me to handle you?
Amy – I think you may wish to reconsider some of your thoughts in your post. Many other people have responded, but I wanted to take issue with just this one thing: “All we really know is that our ex-husband likes having sex with you”
That is unbelievably disrespectful. it is disrespectful to your ex and to the woman who is his wife. If they married, then it’s love sweetheart and not ‘just sex’. Simple as that. Messy, challenging, heartfelt and beautiful. You may not approve of his choice. Guess what – it’s none of your business. The stepmum is not your personal babysitter. You don’t get to interview for that position. You have no say. You are not his wife. It is nothing to do with you.
If you have some rules you want to negotiate with your ex about child raising, then have that conversation with the father of your children.
Creating a family and a home with a man who has children is a seriously difficult thing to do. We face bitter ex-wives like yourself who think that because they popped out some children with this man, that they automatically come first in everything – long past the dissolving of the relationship. We deal with all of that and deal with the fact that you disrupt our homelives and are ever present in our marriage.
Asking for a bit of respect from you in return is not that much to ask. If you care for your children and want what’s best for them, you’d make efforts to develop a healthy and respectful relationship with your ex-husband’s wife. Simple as that.
I truly enjoyed this post. I thank you for it. I am engaged to a man that has two beautiful girls. They are young and this makes it much easier and harder. Easier because they will have more time with me to know them and yes love them. Harder because I do love them and often take care of them as my own. This is hard because I am constantly demolished by their true mother. The girls have begun calling me mommy on their own and at their mother’s house they are spanked for this. Loving them is difficult because of the strong emotions that come with it. I have yet to have any of my own. However, I cannot imagine how strong maternal instincts are when I already feel so strongly now. The sundays my fiance and I have to bring them back kill me every time. It is so incredibly hard to make myself return the girls and leave them with her when they are begging to stay and for us not to make them go back. Even though I feel that the girls do love me they already have their family with their father and often times I still feel like an outsider or intruder. The mother is constantly trying to start problems and we feel she is neglecting the girls. She is however, not a drug dealer and has never committed a felony. This means in the State of Texas she will continue to house the girls until we have the money to hire a worthy attorney. Honestly, this is a difficulty considering the bills she left him with and the child support. The mother continuously starts arguments, attempts to take all of my fiance’s custody, and refuses to allow us to talk to the girls because of me. She truly hates me. Once my fiance picked up the girls without me at her house. She came out to the door in only the lower half of her undergarments… I am terrified that eventually this will ruin my fiance and I. We both love the girls, but the mother still being in the picture places an incredible strain on our relationship.
Ok moms take a breather. I am a mom and a stepmom. Your ex isn’t with me just because of sex. Your ruined marriage made him very trepidatious about relationships. If he is great father who cares about his kids, then he made sure I understood his kids were first to him. That I was good with not just kids, but HIS kids. I am there when you won’t let him see his kids without giving more money than the 900 you already get, and you only get that because you refuse to work, and use the child support like it’s alimony. I buy your kids clothes and teach them right from wrong… after all, it takes a village to raise a child. It is my moral responsibility to care for them, as they cannot care for themselves. I watch what I say and how I say it to them. I help them with their homework and science fair projects. I make them lunches for school, take them to school and pick them up, because my husband is working multiple jobs to support your lazy butt. I understand the kids challenging my authority as a stepmom, on top of challenging authority that comes with certain ages. I bite my tongue and take a deep breath. MY husband and I have talked with the kids about my role in OUR home. We have 2 children together now so it is a blended family. You are fine with me doing things with and for them for 5 years… until they start making comments about how I do more than you. That is not MY problem, it is YOURS. I treat them as though they are mine and handle situations fairly. My birthchildren are done the same way, and will have the same rules and expectations your children do now at the appropriate ages. NEVER question my intentions with your children when they are now in MY home more than yours, because they choose to be. I do NOT kiss their butts or bribe them. If they choose to be at OUR mouse more than yours… it’s not MY fault, it is YOURS. And quit assuming we are trying to make you look bad or take your kids away from you. I do the things my mother did with me. I am not going to ignore YOUR children because I didn’t give birth to them. They are CHILDREN and be treated as such. Quit using them as pawns. And stop asking MY husband about OUR relationship. It is NONE of your business.
Amy sums it up, we should be able to get to know the woman thats spending time with our children. Maybe Amy upset a few people with he comment about the only thing we know about this woman is our ex’s like to have sex with her, but that doesn’t make her post wrong.
Actually, Amy’s post is very wrong. it may pertain to her situation, but it certainly is not a reflection of all situations. My husband and his daughter’s mother were never married and never in a relationship. We met when his daughter was only a year old, and I loved her like my own from the very beginning and she always loved and respected me back, despite her BM’s attempts to manipulate her. My husband and I got married because we LOVE each other; not because I happened to be the woman he was having sex with. That comment is ridiculous. Should a father say that about the man you decide to marry? No. Both parents are adults who choose their relationships. In our case, my husband and I have always been the only resemblance of a real family unit in my stepdaughter’s life, since her mom has four kids with 3 different daddies and has never been married to anyone. As a stepmom in my situation, none of the comments said by Amy pertain to me. I’m a waaaaay better parent and role model to my stepdaughter than her mom is. My husband and I have a son who we teach to be kind, hard-working, respectful, and all the other things that GOOD parents teach their children. On the other hand, we are put in a position to try to teach these things to my stepdaughter who was never taught by her mom to be a good person or care about other people. We do not allow disrespect towards adults in our home (no matter who the child is), and we are constantly trying to undo the damage of her mother. So, let’s not get hasty and think the birth mothers are always concerned parents worried that the stepmom is basically the next hot thing to come into her ex-husband’s bed. Many of us put in more effort to parent than the actual birth mom and do everything we can to show the child unconditional love and provide a stable home that is not being provided by the mom.
I really appreciate the combination of responses here. Having been a childless stepmom from 1985-1995 when my ex husband and I divorced, even though I came from a divorced parent situation with a step mom, I really didn’t see what was really going on until after my marriage ended. Now, in my second marriage that I left while both of our children were still in diapers because of an array of abuse tactics that were not at first evident, I see things so much more clearly now.
Some things to keep in mind:
1. Most men DO NOT going into a relationship or marriage away from one that has children, often have internal problems that they ignored between relationships. There is most likely some level of intimate partner abuse. It doens’t necessarily have to reach physical abuse to be extremely damaging to the bio mom or the children.
2. In his new life with you, he can easily bury what he has done, put on a good face and treat YOU like a queen to try to prove to himself that he is not really the person who did the things he did. He often uses this as an abuse tactic simultaneously toward bio mom. This is emotional abuse to both women as far as I am concerned.
3. If there was domestic violence that the bio mom found particularly harmful or if it was done during pregnancy or in front of the children, the real problem is her terror of being forced by the courts to send her offspring with someone she knows can be dangerous. It is terrifying.
4. Expect that your new man will denigrate and downgrade the bio-mom and make her out to be the most horrible person ever. Understand, she is most likely damaged from abuse in the relationship has already been “knocked off balance” so her behavior will seem to back up his claims.
5. It was a HUGE pill for me to swallow as I slowly learned that my first husband lied and manipulated me and his family to make my step-daughter’s mother look like trash. I started to look at things different and I have apologized to her at least 5 times over the past several years when I see her (and even before I became a bio mom).
6. I have experienced it from a child of divorce perspective, the step mom perspective and now asthe XXXxinsert train wreck mom description hereXXX bio mom, it is beyond painful. I said after my first divorce that I would never get involved with another man that had children. It’s not because I don’t love children though. It’s because if a man isn’t with the mom and the child)ren) he doesn’t share the values I seek in a man anyway. No good man with good intentions is going to walk away from the mother of their child or their children. The truth is, they likely didn’t not really care for the bio-mom (another slap in the fact) and found the child(ren) an inconvenience in their life. Conversely, a good man with good intentions is not going to drive a woman with children away from him if he is treating her right. Example: I have a platonic male friend that I have known for nearly thirty years who was married to another friend of mine. I had seen neither of them since they were married. I ran into him last year and found they divorced. I needed to use him as a contractor where I work so we have a work relationship that led to us talking over lunch. She’d cheated on him and then left. After many discussions, things started coming out from his end that he was no even in tune with that she told him was abusive. When he would admit what he had done, I very frankly told him he was wrong. We often don’t do that with these men so they can grow and be better people. Too often, we just believe it all (just as I did when I was step mom) and are really in the dark about the whole situation.
I guess my advice would be to tell step moms or those contemplating such a relationship to be very careful. I would do as much fact checking about the man before becoming too attached to find out if there is something you should know. Check things out. Gather information. Ask to speak to the bio mom and make sure that contact IS NOT through the man. If you try to set it up, he is going to tell you that she didn’t want to meet you. Had I known in the beginning, what I eventually learned about my first husband, I would have never been involved with him.
Best wishes to all!
P.S. While it is a great comfort to me that my girls have a step mom at their dad’s place, I also worry now about HER and MY KIDs when it comes to his antics. She is much more gullible and submissive than I am and after 5 years of marriage is just now starting to realize some things. My kids comment about it when the come home. I feel sorry for her because she seems like a decent person but she doesn’t realize what she sleeps beside every night.
First of all to Amy, its not when a step mom “walks in” like she is off the streets. Most men date a women for a certain amount of time before marrying them. You both chose to leave the marriage giving someone else the right to co-parent with the children. Ex wifes often try to run their household and their exes, and you lost that right when you ended the marriage. I will be a step mother and i am also an ex wife. My ex husband is dating a 25 year old and i had major concerns, but like a good mature women i let her show me who she was. Shes very responsible for being 25, just finished her masters degree, does not participate in gossip, and adores my son. Im glad i stepped back and kept my mouth shut. If you are concerned that youre ex husband is going to pick someone horrible, what does that say about you and the man you married, and your poor choices? If you step back and truly are only worried about the kids, you will build a relationship and get to know the other women who raises them.and cares for them as well. If you are still upset about the marriage ending, or maybe even jealous about the new women, then you will start problems that dont exsist, and try to make it look like its about the kids when its not. However it will be clear to everyone else that you are the problem and not the step mom.
I found both articles, this one and the one for step moms to understand bio moms, very useful. I do not find the responses welcoming. I feel like this is a great forum for moms/stepmoms who do not know eachother to bounce ideas off of and to gain a different perspective about the other. Lets not project our real lives into these articles… They should be read with an open mind and pondered. Some of the responses were very narrow minded and is exactly what the article was about, not understanding on another. For the bio-moms that read this article please read the article to step moms about bio moms, just to get another point of view.
Jenna, you say these are the most common experiences of most stepmoms. I wonder how you derived your information, who did you poll? How many people did you poll? How much of it reflects your own experiences? I’m gonna speak from my own experience and respond to you based on that. I acknowledge that you generalized common experiences, but it’s just easier, more real, to respond to a person instead of a generalization.
You wrote: ‘…She isn’t playing house’ with your child and ex-husband.’
Me: She’s a grown woman, this is real life, I don’t see it as’ playing house’ at all. And… take him, he’s an ex for a reason. Best of luck to you.
You wrote: ‘Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs….’
Me: Wow, are you for real?! Your OWN family with children who aren’t yours? Do you get what you’re saying? Get a clue… it’s NOT YOUR OWN when you’re blending families.
You wrote: ‘It’s not about YOU.’
Me: Yes, it IS about me, the birth mom… and the father, and kids, and stepmom. Take the spotlight off your new life with a new husband and instant family. Like it or not, it’s about TWO families. You are jumping into a pre-existing family where you are, indeed, trying to fit in. It doesn’t matter if the family was broke up 2 days ago or 20 years ago. That’s the plain truth of it. If you want to make a life with a man who already had a family, you don’t get to jump in and dismiss any of the players. You are piecing together a family with a real mom’s very-real kids. Therefore, your new family wouldn’t be possible with her. A simple ‘thank you’ could go a long way.
You wrote: ‘When you contact their household, it often feels weird and disruptive’…, ‘…when you call, it interrupts the activity in the house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding that was going on is gone. Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of that.’
Me: Really, do you hear yourself? The birth mom is disruptive and ruining your bonding time with your stepchildren? And she crept in to your life? Wow!
They are HER CHILDREN; You are the one who crept in; you are the one who disrupted the mom-role that the kids grew to understand; you are the one who made the mother-child relationship become ‘weird’ when you came into the picture.
You wrote: ‘Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.’
Me: This speaks volumes to me about your marriage. I’m truly sorry that you feel alone, I’ve been there.
You wrote: ‘A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing’
Me: Another statement that’s sad to read. Why do woman put themselves in this situation if they know the odds? Isn’t this fact enough to make women leery of taking on the role? I’ll never do this to myself and my kids, nor to someone else’s under-age kids. Life is tough enough. I know and hear of too many cheating, abusive, lying and selfish men. I never wanted a cheating husband or divorce, but it is what it is. Now, I found peace and I’m surviving just fine. There’s much to revere about the ability to be alone, to find happiness within and not need to find it elsewhere.
You wrote: ‘… being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve ever done.’
Me: Birthing 2 children, being a stay-at-home mom, putting my kids before myself, years of dedicating myself to my kids… only to watch a stepmom enter the picture late in the game, wait on the sidelines for my husband to end the marriage, then push her way in to my kids lives… is one of the hardest things this birth mom has ever done.
You wrote: ‘Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t create.’
Me: Boo hoo! Are you kidding?! Any mom can say this, it’s not exclusive to stepmoms. And… ‘affected by a situation they didn’t create’? Did you get dragged to the alter and get forced to marry? I think not. You helped create the situation as soon as you said ‘I do’ to a man with kids. You bought in to the stepmom role and you created it because you got involved. Own it.
You wrote: ‘Perhaps, one day, with a better understanding of each other, the mom/stepmom relationship will be one of championing the other, instead of automatic conflict.’
Me: Perhaps, one day, with a better understanding of respect for the family unit & respect for children, woman who want to be stepmoms will champion the sanctity of birth moms and their children, instead of trying to justify stepping into, or taking over, a role that was not surrendered.
Correction, 4th paragraph:
“Therefore, your new family wouldn’t be possible WITHOUT her.”
Thanks for your comment, MommaBear. I’m not going to respond to each of your points because they are your truth, but I will answer a couple of your questions. I derived my information from working with many moms and stepmoms through this page and my stepmom coaching practice, being a stepmom myself and running an in-person stepparent support group which has over 150 members.
From your last sentence you say “… a role that was not surrendered.” I’m wondering if infidelity was present in your situation? Or if you didn’t want the divorce? If so, that makes the situation 1000 times harder for you, I’m sure.
You don’t have to like my points or agree with them, yet they are the truth for many stepmoms. My hope is that women will just read these and at the very least, sit with the possibility that these are the experiences for some. Not everyone is at the place where they can do that, and that’s OK.
Ditto to Jenna’s comments. MommaBear, your comments are your truth and don’t ring true for many mothers or mom who are also stepmoms. But your points and feelings are very valid for your situation, I’m sure. We are all in very different situations in this blended life, Jenna was referring to some universal feeling shared by many stepmoms who deal with similar situations with their stepkids and dealing with a territorial, antagonistic or bitter mother. As her disclaimer states in the beginning of the post, this doesnt apply to everyone’s situation. Hoping that you are able to find peace and blessing in your situation!
Thanks Jenna and CKSmom for the replies. Just wanted to give a voice for birth moms who deal with an ex-spouse who cheated with another woman who, in turn, became stepmom. I know it doesn’t apply to all stepmoms.
He cheated, he played in porn shops, he has an abusive mouth. I didn’t want divorce, I was willing to forgive and work through it. I was given 2 weeks to get over everything and get back in the bedroom… he spit out, “well that’d sure be a good way to rebuild the trust!” That was my line in the sand. His loss.
I deal with his emotional and verbal abuse. He’s said that his new wife is my son’s ‘new mom’. The stepmom told me that she considered my son to be her ‘family’ and my presence was unwanted, unneeded and a headache to them and I was to leave my son alone (at 16, he ran away to his dad’s to run from pending fatherhood. His dad let him ignore it for 9 months.). I strongly believe parental alienation came in to play because I used to have a great relationship with my son; it seems irreparable now. It’s baffling and devastating. It’s all too common. My son recently told me he stayed over there for the freedom and money. 99% of the time he ignores me, won’t visit or answer my calls/texts. Thankfully, I have a great relationship with my grandbaby’s teen mom and other grandma. The mom and my son are back together, yet he still ignores me. There are no words to describe my hurt. I babysit the grandchild every week, a huge blessing in my life.
One last thought: my ex took many opportunities to be mean and hurtful when his wife wasn’t around to witness it. Stepmoms should keep that in mind when they can’t figure out why the birth mom is so defensive and retaliating to the ex.
My situation is all too common for many birth moms… this is what I wanted to give a voice to.
As far as the stress you BMs may feel over BF and SMs apparently sex-fueled, all consuming love that they can’t contain around “your” children?…That’s all in your head…that IS YOUR insecurity consuming your brain. The kid(s) being around aren’t/isn’t exactly a TURN ON!, okay? If the kid(s) are at dad’s for the weekend, then chances are he and SM will be waiting till Monday to have sex again. And on the flipside of that, did it ever don on you that maybe it is a GOOD thing for your kid(s) to witness a functional, healthy, loving relationship between a man and a woman? In the case of my SD, BF and I are literally the ONLY couple that she has ever seen at as a normal couple should. I feel that having a man and woman around as a child, to demonstrate the kind of mutual respect, affection, and communication she/he should strive for and expect one day in a partnership with another is vital.
Lastly, I can totally understand BMs concern for what kind of woman is now in a position to influence, care for, parent, etc “her” children, when a SM enters the picture. HOWEVER, #1-BF is just as much a parent to the child as you are, and his opinion and judgement are valid, therefore, you must realize that he is 100% qualified to make the call of whether a woman is ok to be involved in your kids lives. #2- If you are unsure, then byGod, MAKE YOURSELF SURE! I hear time and time again, SMs who have been dissected and judged and labeled by BM, yet BM HAS REFUSED TO MEET SM!!! You must at least be woman enough to give us a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised. And a little-known secret of BMs is that of having SM to compare notes with. I cannot tell you how many times my SDs BM has texted me something like “Angel is pointing at the computer repeating ‘Elmos-a-moos!!!’ and I have no idea what she wants! help!?” Which I, being with her most days, instantly know she means that she wants to watch a youtube video called “Elmo’s Got the Moves”. Mystery solved.. She has helped me out the same way. We figure things out together a lot of times. I am SDs full time caregiver, and make the decisions in my household. BM has basically no legal rights (her every-other weekend visits are supervised), but I still run things past her (and BF, of course) before acting on them, with SD. She ultimately has no control, and I could do as I please if I chose to, but I show her this respect, and find it beneficial to always make sure she knows that I know my place. I am able to do this because she, in turn, shows/expresses appreciation to me for, well, basically stepping in for her as much as I have been able to, providing SD the things BM can’t. We made a mutual decision to put SDs happiness above our egos, and THAT is what a real mom does. A SM is to be respected. She is NOT a babysitter, regardless of the fact that she has no legal rights to her s-kids. SMs make sacrifices that no one could ever understand, unless she/he is a step-parent. A BM is to be respected, also. She is not just “the over-bearing ex”, regardless of the fact that she appears so obsessive. She gave birth to her child(ren), and feels a biological need to protect him/her from any harm. Both women are so crucial in a step-family situation, and if they are smart women, they will at least TRY to join forces and reach peace.