(Disclaimer: these descriptions don’t encompass all situations. There are outliers and extremes and hundreds of different scenarios. But these are the most common experiences for many stepmoms.)
1. She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband.
Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs.
Some of them will grow to love their stepchildren and some won’t, but they’re doing their best to ensure the child still grows up feeling happy and loved.
They’re nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.
2. It’s not about YOU.
A stepmom’s priority is her marriage. When she does something for her stepchild, often the motivation has nothing to do with you. It’s not about trying to make you look bad or make you feel “less than.”
The motivation is the safety and happiness of her stepchild. The motivation is the love she has for her husband.
She’s trying to do the right thing – just like you would.
Similarly, when she supports her husband, the intention is not to go “against” you. In fact, there are times when stepmoms actually side with mom, although — unless you have a decent relationship with the stepmom in your situation — you’d never know it.
3. Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.
Stepmoms have no legal rights with their stepchild. They understand this; their stepchild already has a mom and a dad. But it gets difficult when they’re turned away for trying to obtain something as simple as a library card for their stepson or stepdaughter. Or when the doctor’s office won’t give them any information, even though they will be the one driving the child to the appointment and giving them their medication.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for stepmoms who have taken care of their stepchildren since they were very small.
It can make a woman feel unimportant and insignificant. It’s a feeling only a fellow stepmom could understand.
In addition, stepmoms are often powerless when it comes to their stepchild’s behavior. This is a struggle, because they are greatly affected by the unwanted behavior, but they don’t have the authority to do anything about it. If they’re lucky, their husband will be supportive and listen to their concerns, but this isn’t always the case.
4. When you contact their household, it often feels weird and disruptive. Stepmoms know you have the right to call your children as often as you’d like. And they understand you need to talk to your ex occasionally about parenting issues. But it can still feel like an intrusion.
Stepmoms are constantly struggling to find ways to bond with their stepchildren. And when you call, it interrupts the activity in the house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding that was going on is gone.
Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of that.
5. Stepmoms don’t cross your boundaries on purpose, they just can’t see them.
Many moms complain that the stepmom is trying to “parent” their child. But a fundamental problem seems to be, what moms consider “parenting,” stepmoms consider “being responsible” or “supporting their husbands.”
Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.
They’re stumbling along, figuring it out as they go. And it’s difficult to try and do the ‘right thing’ only to realize you’ve just caused mom a coronary. It’s not intentional.
Stepmoms wish there was a rule book. They wish the situations were black and white. They wish they could be on the same page as mom and dad, and know how to handle every situation.
But they don’t.
This is where neutral, open communication would be to everyone’s advantage.
Unfortunately, for many stepmoms, their first experience of mom is an emotionally-charged phone call, email or text telling her she has “no right” to do whatever it is she did. To a stepmom, this feels like you’re kicking her when she’s already down. It comes as a shock — because again — her primary intention was to help her husband and care for her stepchild.
6. A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing. And one Boston study reported that 75% of the women who were surveyed said if they had it to do all over, they would NOT marry a man with children. That says a lot about the difficulties stepmoms face.
This may not mean much to you personally, but it means your children will have to experience the prolonged process of a second divorce and deal with the aftermath.
7. Stepmoms are often disrespected or ignored by their stepchildren. There are various reasons for this, chief among them understandable and agonizing loyalty conflicts for the child, but regardless — it still hurts. Stepmoms are only human!
Life isn’t always flowers and butterflies at the other household. Many children feel weird about having a stepmom. They don’t know what it means or what to do with it, so they act out or just ignore the stepmom, which is awkward for everyone.
And most stepmoms don’t have “unconditional love” to fall back on. When a child misbehaves, wreaks havoc, or throws a tantrum, parents may get angry and frustrated, but their unconditional love makes it bearable.
Stepmoms aren’t so lucky. There’s no unconditional love coming to rescue them from wanting to scream at their stepchild or run the other way, sob somewhere private, and never look back. All they have are difficult feelings and nowhere to put them.
But they do come back, day after day, because they believe their marriage and their stepfamily are worth it.
8. A simple “thank you” can go a long way.
Stepmoms wish you’d give them even the smallest acknowledgement. For a lot of women, being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve ever done. Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t create.
Many stepmoms take excellent care of their stepchild, with little or no reward. They get no thank you, no love from the child, and no appreciation from anyone but their husband — if they’re lucky.
They make many sacrifices in order to be with the man they love. So to only be referenced as “she” (or even worse), or to be completely ignored by you, can hurt them deeply. What they wouldn’t give for a simple “thank you” or a nod in their direction.
I believe that kind of recognition can heal wounds.
Do stepmoms ever act from ego or a sense of competition with the ex-wife?
Sure, just as some moms do.
But it’s important to grasp the implications of a bigger context here: being a stepmom is uniquely difficult and confusing. If you’re a mom, could you see yourself struggling in her shoes?
Perhaps, one day, with a better understanding of each other, the mom/stepmom relationship will be one of championing the other, instead of automatic conflict.
Related Posts:
- What all stepmoms should know about divorced moms
- Who’s that jerk driving that car?!
- A challenge: Just meet her!
© 2011 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
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(Photo by Evgeni Dinev)
© 2011 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
(New here? Join our no-cost, private member’s community for some unique tools and hands-on support. Subscribe to our RSS Feed or via email. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter and check out excerpts from our book or
I’m going to see what I can interject, in the way of ‘conversing’ with each item.
#1 I can completely understand the SM’s need to ‘build’ her own family. She fell for a guy who happened to have kids ~ but those kids aren’t just “his” to go ahead and say, “Here, build your/our new family.” That’s akin (in a very abstract way) to if I were building my home and had a pile of bricks outside, and my neighbor walked over and took some of my bricks to help build his home. Walking into a place and deciding to use someone else’s supplies to build your home can be VERY intrusive to the person the supplies belong to. Especially given that, had I been asked, I would probably willingly share.
Most women don’t even stop to consider how that would feel because they are myopic (and rightly so) in thier excitedness. They only see what is in front of them, and don’t check the periphery. It would behoove a woman to check out what’s going on prior to just ‘jumping in & building’.
#2 I might not be the reason behind ‘why’ the other woman does anything for the kids (ie, not even in afterthought) but the facts are it IS about me too. If a woman comes into the kids lives and starts doing things she thinks are nice, that just so happen to fall into the category of “things mom usually does”, whether her intentions are good or not almost doesn’t matter. There’s a saying that “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” That saying is TRUE for a reason….intent is only half of the view. Perception is the other half and THAT is where a lot of things get hairy.
#3 This feeling sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Bio-moms can feel unimportant and insignificant too ~ especially when they’re doing the best they can and the ex and his new partner are undermining or trying to wrest custody from a hard working, involved mother.
That said, I wish more bio-moms would step up and be thankful. Those two words can do SO MUCH to build a bridge. I can remember the first time *I* personally thanked the other woman…it made me choked up while I was doing it because it freed me from a grudge. SAY THANK YOU. BE THANKFUL. These SM’s don’t HAVE to be kind to the kids, but they choose to be. Choose to acknowledge and be thankful in return.
#4 No offense,and I’m not speaking on crazy women who call and text 50 times a day, but if the kids are away, I WILL contact them. If my 2 phone calls, or random text or picture message feels intrusive to the other woman, then I think she needs to evaluate herself. Things only feel intruded upon when we are territorial about something ~ and no other woman, no matter how nice she is, has a right to feel territorial over the kids when it comes to ME. If someone else is messing with her the kids or their blended family on her time,then she has every right to defend and protect…but I am the kids mother, they are my territory by default. There needs to be some compartmentalizing of feeling there.
#5 I can agree with this. It’s SO EASY to step on toes. That’s where the consideration comes in. How hard is it to find out, whether it’s through DH or, if you are able, through open communication with the mom, what the boundaries are? I realize some bio-moms will never budge, and I think that’s to their shame and their children’s detriment ~ but I’m not talking about those women. Boundaries can get trampled in both directions. Communication and understanding is definitely key here!
#6 That’s a scary statistic (an applies to remarried bio-moms too!).
#7 I imagine this must be difficult. This is where I think bio-moms can come in and help bridge that gap. I know I’m trying in my situation.
#8 YES IT CAN!! A simple thank you can start the ball rolling in the right direction!
THANK YOU, You-know-who-you-are, for being so kind and watchful. Thank you for accepting the kids as they are and for not trying to change them. Thank you for communicating with me and for working on the ex in the background so we can ALL be a part of this extended, blended family. I appreciate YOU!
Dina, thanks for your comment! Jen and I spoke in-depth about #1 this morning , and I think it’s one of the main causes of conflict between moms and stepmoms.
My hope with these posts is that moms and stepmoms will open themselves up, even the slightest bit, to make room for the possibility that something else might be going on the with the other person. That the intention may not be what is seems.
My hope is that we can all realize that our perspectives and experiences are SO different, that the only way to come to an understanding is to listen to the other person and really hear them.
Thanks for your comments, Dina! I knew this post might stir up some really strong feelings for moms…. And as a mom, I totally get what you’re saying.
It really *can* feel like stepmoms are just doing a “plug-n-play” thing with our kids. But what I’ve learned over the years is that what I mistook for that dynamic really *was* Carol (my kids’ stepmom) simply trying to have a feeling of *mastery* over her life and her household.
Sure, later on, there was resentment and judgments of me (and vice-versa!) and we have both fully ‘fessed up to how much that influenced our behavior with each other. But I think the beauty of this article is that it shows moms how disorienting and challenging it really must BE inside the life of a stepmom – and that must be recognized wholly on its own, if we’re ever going to really form a bridge to “the other side.” (I mean, could *I* even do this? I’m not so sure!)
I think the bottom line is, we’re both struggling to share space in the same role, whether it was foisted upon you or you willingly took it as a stepmom. That fact alone is going to create some issues no matter what, even if both sides have good intentions!
Kudos to you for extending a hand to the other woman in your children’s lives. And the same to her for reaching back to you.
As always, we appreciate your impassioned and thoughtful comments!
Jennifer, I can honestly say that if I were given the chance (one I hope I NEVER have), I would NOT get involved with a man with kids. Mostly because I know how *I* feel, as a biop-mom, and would never want to be in a position to have to go toe-to-toe with another woman over her kids. Forget the ‘baggage’ and things I wouldn’t be privy to with regard to the animosity between the ex couple….*shudder*…no thanks.
I loved reading this though. Thanks, Jenna!!
I so wish I had a ‘normal’ girlfriend to deal with rather than an adulteress. Because #4, the intrusion thing? Yeah, I got that first. And #1, love the analogy of the above poster with the bricks.
I can SO understand all these points, and I feel for step moms who are respectful. I’m thankful the woman in my situation is not trying to take a mother role or I might actually do evil things, I will never trust her fully. Or my ex. She *may* be trying to be respectful now, but her foundation is nonexistent. She has to build for YEARS to regain anything.
While I would love this ideal “we’re all a great big extended family type thing”, I think I have come to accept that it will not happen. The best I can do is ignore her. I’m sick about this, but it’s not in me. It’s not in them, either. My ex wants less communication between us about the kids and I HATE him for that. Actual hate.
I wish all step moms the best, those who developed relationships with the men after a marriage ended. If you have lousy/crazy mothers, I’m so sorry. Those are all over the place. Moms with lousy/crazy dads, same thing.
Dina, regarding #4, I’m not sure I agree that the only reason someone would feel “intruded” upon is if they’re being territorial. BUT, even if that were the case, it’s not about feeling territorial over the kids, it’s about feeling territorial in your own house. It can feel that way when mom calls her ex also, for whatever reason. It’s not about NOT wanting mom to talk to her kids, it’s about yet another interruption of whatever is going on at that moment, when they’re already struggling SO hard for some sort of structure in their home.
My intent is not to tell moms to stop calling their children. I’m just letting moms know what effect that may have on the stepmom. All in the name of gaining understanding.
Thanks again for your always appreciated comments!
Dina you know I love you and you know I have to say something about your comments. KIDS ARE NOT BRICKS and they are NOT JUST YOUR SUPPLIES to build your house with. Just to try to share a stepmoms viewpoint under the same metaphorical situation that you used, when parents go through a divorce kids aren’t like a pile of bricks that you split in half and each go build your new house. They are more like the pool or a shared fence between your houses. Both of you have a right to enjoyment of this feature and both have a responsibility for it’s maintenance. Of course this requires cooperation and communication for things to go peacefully. When stepmom marries dad, though dad’s name is on the title of the house, stepmom is granted by dad a portion of the right of enjoyment of the “shared pool or fence” as well as the responsibility of it’s upkeep. Dad has a right to share his portion of the rights and responsibilities of being a father. It is his child too. And sometimes a stepmother can’t help but love a child that resembles and acts like the man she loves so much.
NWS – I get that…and I even said it was a VERY abstract way of relating. Just trying to simplify the idea of ‘building a family’ using someone else’s building materials, and why a (not insane) bio-mom would feel uncomfortable. I certainly don’t think of the kids as bricks!!
I stand by my point of view. If this forum is for BOTH SIDES to be seen and considered, then I think I gave a balanced and non-judgemental response to what was said. Consideration goes both ways. I KNOW the Lady in my situation can’t say that I am inconsiderate of her. I work actively with her to help bridge her ‘issues’ with the kids.
Yeah but seriously, you get that the kids are dad’s bricks too and that stepmom is not stealing them, she is using dad’s portion of the bricks.
and Jenna, in response to your “in HER house” comment…those are MY KIDS in her house, not some random kids. I still think she (general here, not in MY situation) needs to evaluate ‘why’ she feels entitled to get bent out of shape over someone else’s kids simply because she’s involved with thier father….especially if the kids are older than toddlers.
That said, I rarely call the kids at their fathers….I try to wait for them to call me so I don’t interfere. The counterpart in my situation has been very sensitive and made sure the kids call to check it, and I appreciate it!
In my view (and I’m fine if I’m the only one who feels this way), she hasn’t the right to claim them as part of HER foundation unless mom is unfit or missing or dead. Her foundation *should* be her couplehood with her significant other, with the kids being an awesome ‘addition’ to their home ~ like a bonus room!
Ok, now this has gotten funny/weird and I’m not even sure what I’m saying!
That said, I totally agree that there needs to be understanding/consideration about this from the bio-mom. I wasn’t meaning to fight or isninuate that no SM better EVER think of the kids as special or whatever…I was just giving a ‘counter-point’ to the point being made…a point that I agree with. SM should be able to build her home and find her own special place with the kids.
Dina I know if your case that SM is still just a GF at this point, but in my situation and I am sure many others, SM is not “simply involved with their father.” A marriage is a commitment and when I took on the role as my husband’s wife, I meant it forever-through his, mine and our kids’ first day of kindergarten, through puberty, HS graduation, college campus tours, tuition bills, grad school, wedding ceremonies, until the day I hold his mine and our kids’ babies in my arms and they ALL call me grammy, through the chance that they get divorced and need me to hold their heads in my lap while they sob, when they have to deal with their ex getting new gf’s or they have a stepchild say “your not my mom” and they need to call me to vent. FOREVER. There is nothing simple about it. And to expect someone who has made this commitment to just simply sit back and watch your child grow up and to not get involved is asinine.
Not any more assinine than it is to expect an INVOLVED bio-mom to just step back and allow another woman to take over and comletely undermine her position, without having any feelings or hurts about it.
A marriage certificate/commetment didn’t make you ‘mom’ to your ex’s kids. <<(general statement here, not you NSW)
Look, I can only speak for myself in MY situation…and I've tried to say that repeatedly. I feel like I'm getting attacked for having my own point of view about my own life/kids/ex situation. All I did was offer another perspective ~ not trying to start WW III. I'm sorry if the BM in your situation is a bitch and doesn't consider you. I do NOT behave that way towards by ex or his GF and would appreciate not having my opinions touted as 'assinine' simply because you feel you are entitled to have 'rights'.
Granted, some moms like to trumpet their “ownership” of their children from the rooftops. And some stepmoms seem like they’ve made it their life’s work to “show up” the mom as the superior parent.
But we’re shooting for nuances and increased understanding here. Lest others take our passionate defense of our *own* experiences and position as an insult to them, let’s be extra careful with our language!
It’s like we’re sitting around in a circle chatting, casually tossing around a few live grenades from person to person, trying to figure out **how these damned things work!** We’d all be better off if we diffused them FIRST… and then talked.
Love to all…
Dina, I think you bring up such an important point, when you say “Not any more assinine than it is to expect an INVOLVED bio-mom to just step back and allow another woman to take over and comletely undermine her position, without having any feelings or hurts about it.”
I think this is where a big disconnect between moms and stepmoms occur. Because stepmoms aren’t expecting mom to “step back” or become uninvolved, they’re just looking for some space to step UP, when the kids are at their house and under their care, without a single thought of mom stepping back. But I suppose some moms feel that she’s trying to replace her or play “mom” when that’s just not the case. (and of course, sometimes that IS the case)
These are things both moms and stepmoms can keep in mind.
This post is great, but i have a few things to say to Dina. When my life first started with my DH, i had no kids of my own. That being said, i lived two roles EVERY WEEK. I was a “girlfriend” during the week, and every friday to monday, i was a “wife/stepmom”. there was no consistency between the two roles, and i really struggled with it. building a life with him/them is NOT like someone coming and taking your bricks to build their house. not at all. building a relationship with them does not take Anything away from what you already have with them. i like the other analogy though, about sharing/maintaining the pool… bottom line, this post is to help BMs get a perspective of what it is like to be a SM. and I think it is very accurate.
LOVE the grenade reference! I DON’T WANT TO PLAY WITH MINI BOMBS! Rather hold hands and sing ‘kumbabya’!
And you’re right Jenna, I don’t believe for one second that most SM’s are trying to push mom out, and have admitted that those feelings can be irrational at times. I don’t feel in my situation that *she* is doing that, but that’s because she and I have communicated with each other and she’s told me she isn’t. I’ll take her word for it until proven otherwise.
@Breanna – as a divorced mom I live that same dichotomy. Only it feels like a removal of my legs when my kids are not around. To me (for perspective) “you” (as in the gf/sm) now have my legs, and you’re walking around on my legs. It’s not that I don’t live a grown up life and do grown up things, but to know that I CAN’T see my kids when I want, that sucks SO FREAKING MUCH.
I believe it is accurate too Breanna…and my comments weren’t meant as a distraction or to take away from that reality. They were meant to further discussion and understanding from BOTH sides…and I’m feeling like I’m being VERY misunderstood.
For what it’s worth, I’m not a crazy possessive BM. I have done the majority of the raising of the kids more or less by myself ~ some because of the marital situation and some because of restriction imposed on my by my ex when my Husband entered the picture. Because of that, after close to 13 years, I dont’ believe ANY woman has a right to come and tell me that she is entitled to ‘mother’ my kids. That said, I feel like I’ve been VERY giving and accepting of my ex’s GF, and have bent over backwards to make her feel welcome and to help her with her understanding and relatinship with my kids. If she doesn’t feel that way, I wish she’d tell me because I feel like I’m giving 100%.
I just truly believe that the CONSIDERATION should go both ways. Any women entering into a relationship with a man with kids should be cautious and careful ~ not just for ‘the other woman’ but also for her own emotional well being. Entering anything like this with expectations is setting things up for failure…ar at the very least, a long road of hurt.
Dina I actually meant to separate you (and BMs like you) from other BMs in my comment because I know your SM is new to the pic and is still a GF at this point. My perspective was meant for BMs that have had SMs for some time. I wasn’t calling your point of view asinine. I was stating that the expectation that many BMs have for SMs to “sit back and support dad but not parent the kids” is foolish. I just wanted to speak for all the stepmoms out there that didn’t just marry the dads. I married my husband and his daughter. i wouldn’t have married my husband if I didn’t love both him and his daughter. It’s a package deal as they say. I get “bent out of shape over someone else’s kids” because for me “someone else” is my husband whom I love dearly. I also get bent out of shape because I WAS ONE OF THESE KIDS. My parents had a very hostile divorce. It was a take sides, “you belong to me” kind of divorce. I know how hard it is for these kids to be tugged back and forth. Kids need to feel like it’s ok to love all their parent figures as well as be loved by all their parent figures. I can tell anyone that reads this that I would love my SD the SAME whether her mother was in the picture or not. I CAN’T restrain my love for this child just because she has a mom. And even though she has 2 parents that love her dearly I still feel very responsible for the type of person she grows into. I can’t just tell myself that it’s not my job and not my fault if she grews up to be a drug dealer or a whore or a liar that uses all her friends or someone that can’t keep a job, etc, etc. I love her and care for her, dearly, as I said before. I NEED to do everything I feel I can take make sure she grows up to be a happy adult. I am so sorry if the things that I feel the NEED to do to positively influence this child’s life FEEL like UNDERMINING mom’s position, but it’s like the article says in point #5.
@Dina – for what it’s worth, I get you. I’m both a mom and a stepmom, an ex-wife and a wife. I’m remarried with kids – his four and my two. I wear both hats. I juggle both roles. I know what the mom in me feels when it comes to my stepkids and that voice guides me when it comes to their mom. On the other side, I know that my girls love me to the moon and back. They’re both in their 20′s now, so whatever relationship they have with their stepmom is their relationship. I don’t meddle, influence, or judge. I also have a mom and stepmom. Love them both.
This is all part of the first step in the book: KNOW WHERE THE **** YOU ARE!
That involves identifying the feelings and challenges that are common to your “side” — and the other person’s too, including triggers and extra-volatile issues.
When you do this, then you no longer feel as if the finger is being necessarily pointed at YOU when the other side has a problem….
You can also start to separate out what is a problem for you *normally* in your own life — and what’s being stirred up by her!
NSW ~ maybe that’s good because you came into your SD’s life when she was very young.
Thanks for clarifying!
I would be VERY putt off with some woman “marrying” the kids when she marries their father. That would feel like a BIG breach of decorum and boundaries, to me. My Husband loves my kids very much, but he also respects thier father and his position in the lives of the kids. I certainly don’t expect *her* to do ‘know her place’ like that while I let my Husband have “all the rights” that come with parenthood. I know a lot of BM’s do that and I don’t think it’s right or fair.
The main thing is EVERY situation is different…even if there are similarities. Can we see beyond our myopic point of view to allow ourselves to be empathic about what the other woman is going through? That’s what we’re here for….I hope. I know I am.
Peggy Nolan ~ I don’t have a SM. I had a SF who pushed his way in and made us call him dad (among other things) ~ and my mother allowed it.
I’m in NO WAY defending bio-parents who are overboard and unreasonable. I was just being part of what I thought was a conversation…maybe was a mistake.
I think I am the luckiest step child as my mom (as I call my SM) and I have had an amazing relationship for 40 years. The second time I met her, I whispered to my dad, “why don’t you marry her?” and his reply was “Why don’t you ask her?” so I did! She did nearly fall off her chair as she had only been dating my dad for a couple of months at that point.
I know that she had a hard time with my bio mom due to her behaviour (mostly jealousy on bio mom’s part) and this article has really given me a perspective of what my SM went through. In some respects as my divorced parents lived on different continents it must have been easier for her (in those days you had to book international calls and were so expensive) as she could just get on with it, but she has subsequently told me that she never knew if she was overstepping the mark in disciplining my brother and I. Can assure you that we deserved what ever it was!
My dad and SM added two great brothers to the family and she never treated my “whole” brother and I any differently to her own sons. She is the most amazing person I have ever met and has had a huge influence on my life in so many aspects and continues to be my most trusted confidant.
I do also have a good relationship with my bio mom, but there is something special about my relationship with my SM. As I said, I was very lucky. Thank you for giving me some insight to what she went through from an objective point of view.
Suzie, what a wonderful story! Thank you so much sharing
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And yep, I didn’t know what my stepmom went through either, until I became one myself. We’ve always had a great relationship, but it gave me a whole new respect for her
Hey there, Aussie Girl!! (We’re old school chums from overseas.) I too loved your story…. it’s nice to hear about girls bonding with their stepmoms – a great reminder of all the GOOD that can come out of these situations. Thanks so much for posting!
Cheers ladies! Yes good things that can come from any situation and I just am lucky as I have not one, but two great moms. =) And Jennifer, how she had the self control not to murder me as a teenager is beyond me as wasn’t really “perfect” child material as you probably remember! Keep up this excellent work you guys do. Really proud of you Jen!
Wow! You just spoke my life!!! Glad I’m not alone. Thank you for writing this. God Bless!!
I’m both a stepmom and a stepchild and I will say that once I became a stepmom, it gave me a whole new perspective on what my stepfather was going through when we all became a family.
I am curious to the Bio-Moms reading this what their take is on a stepmom who has stepped back in her own home. I used to be overly involved because I thought that’s what my husband wanted. (He travels during the week and isn’t home except on Saturdays and Sunday mornings, so I have helped — to varying degrees — my stepkids’ mom with things like watching sick kids, taking kids to appointments, taking them for haircuts, picking up birthday presents, etc. that you’d think dad should have done if he were here).
Now I’ve stepped back from doing the things that Dad should do because I realized that I was losing myself and my identity by not knowing what role I was (was I Dad’s wife, Mom #2, Parent in Charge at Dad’s House, Dad’s #2?)
Now my involvement is based on my own terms. I’m nice and caring toward my stepchildren but unless there is something that affects me directly – like who is in the house when, what we’re eating during the time we’re together, or say the kids want to use our house for a big sleepover, then I defer to their father.
I was more helpful to my stepkids’ mom and my husband when I was more involved. Now that I’ve stepped back, they seem to be more upset with my not stepping up more.
What’s your take on that?
Erin, I get where you’re coming from. I’m a stepmom and although I’m very involved with my stepdaughter’s life I’m involved when she is in my home. She’s only 3, so taking her to doctor’s appointments, etc. are taken care of by her mom, or dad and I on a RARE occasion. At first I was very unsure of what role to take with my step daughter, as you explained. But after figuring out my relationship with my boyfriend, I realized what he expected of me because he is from a blended family and what I wanted to give to our family where very much insync. So, I would talk to your husband about it. Does he like it when you step up, does it make him feel like you’re helping him out? If you’re step kids are old enough to ‘get it’ ask them, in terms they would understand. You’re role as a step mom should first and foremost be about the relationship between you and your stepkids and your husband. Figuring out what role to take on when their mom is present or when you’re helping her out has to do with her and the kids, it’s kind of like your work life and your home life. Work life is professional and respectful at all times: the way you may want to be with the BioMom. Home life is relaxed and easy and paced at whatever pace you want: the way your home should feel when your family together. hope that helps!!!
When I read this article, I felt as though someone had invaded in my head and heart, as I am sure other step-moms who read this felt too. I have crossed many boundaries as step-mom, not knowing more than half the time how it would affect my step-son’s mother. Two years later, there are things I know I mustn’t do and times when I am still learning. I wish my step-son’s mother had privy to this article because maybe it would help her to see that I am not all that bad. When I read “What your stepchild’s mom want you to know about her life” tears came to my eyes because I never really understood the hurt I may have caused. I am so glad I stumbled upon this website. I was hoping and praying for help in my household. The animosity between me and my husband’s ex-wife is causing great turmoil in my marriage and the relationship with my three step-sons. I have relayed your website to the ex and I just hope she at least comes here to see what you are all about. I hope in time I can respond like some of these other ladies and tell you that this has all worked.
Emilina, we’re glad you’re finding our site helpful
. Give mom time, and in the mean time, try your best to not let the stress seep into your marriage and family. It’s so not worth it. And if you can look at it from a bigger picture, it’s really just one woman’s *opinion* of you. And that opinion is formed from her own past life experiences and her own insecurities and tons of other *stuff* that has nothing to do with you. The best thing you can do is work on being happy in your marriage and with yourself 
It is so nice to hear all those comments from stepmoms. I am stepmom of two kids 7 and 5 years old. Its not easy to deal with bio moms. They think that as a stepmom, I am taking away the attention of the kids from her. My stepkids are always confuse if they want to love or not specially the older girl. I have no comment with younger boy coz I can feel his love towards me.
The kids bio mom, cheated and disrespected my husband. I am so lucky to be married with him inspite I am dealing with his insane ex wife. The ex wife’s father told my husband (they are still communicating) that she is mentally unstable since she left my husband and now it affects the children specially the older one.
About #4: This is what we are dealing right now. My stepkids comes and stay with us 2days on weekends. They come Friday night and go back to there bio moms Sunday afternoon. The case here is the bio mom calls her older daughter every night 7pm and after that call. My SD gets so upset and anxious of everything before bedtime. What we build relationship and she being happy all day is all gone. And everybody is affected specially his younger brother who is getting tire of his sister’s attitude. It is so tiring.
I am a babysitter for 12 years, work with family full time but I never encounter this hardship with kids until now. Being a full time babysitter is like a stepmom. And as a babysitter of several family, most of the family told me before they leave the kids(from 1day to 5days) to me is just call them when its emergency. The parents (who understand the pressure between kids and the other person who takes care of them )told me that, it creates anxiety for the children if they communicate with the (absent)parent while the other person is trying do all the best to make things easier for kids. Now that I am stepmom, some bio moms doesn’t understand that pressure between Stepmom and Stepkids.
We stepmoms wants to create neutral relationship, peace and whats for the best interest for kids but in my situation with ex. It seems that she’s being selfish and help the kids to create emotional downfall. I just wish that some bio mom understand how there behavior affects there kids too.
This was an interesting topic. And I agree with all of Jenna’s SM perspective. I was, at one point, the BM in my situation, however, I am now dealing with a SM. I think that when you are experiencing interactions with the other person it can feel awkward or really comfortable depending on the attitude and mindset of the other person, whether you are the BM or SM it will vary. It wasn’t easy on either side of this scenario for me, although, she and I had our moments where things were really better than I could have ever imagined, we had equally disturbing moments where it seemed things would be irreparable. I think that it is important in the end that both parties try to be aware of eachother’s feelings, careful in their communication, and if you are aiming at a peaceful resolution, remain calm at all times. This can’t be easy ALL THE TIME. But if your goal is to create something good, you will always attempt the best scenario possible.
I am a step-mom and it the best thing I could ever be doing. My husband was never married to his son’s mother and they split up when he was really young. I have been in my step-son’s life since just before he turned 3-years-old, and my husband and I didn’t get married until he was 7. I find that some of the statements above are true in how I feel, but I also look at differently, because my husband has full- custody and SHE get visitations. She has 3 other children and has custody of 2 of the 3. She DOESN’T call her son throughout the week ever! She sees him just on the scheduled days and nothing more an sometimes she has other plans that she made during “parenting time” and then doesn’t see him for 3 weeks and we don’t hear a word from her till her next “parenting time” slot.
So saying all of this, I am not trying to take her place, but I have always seemed to be there for her son MORE than she has and it is hard to except that everyone says that I don’t deserve any credit for raising him and that she should get all of the praise when she isn’t around.
Very difficult situation huh?
Okay then, here is what I see as the point of contention:
First family vs. Second family
Should the PRIMARY boundaries be between a stepmom and her kids or between the households? Should the man’s most important role be as partner to his wife, or a coparent with his ex? (BTW- both of those can be good fathers.)
My view is pretty strong and I know that middle-of-the-road often works best, but consider, if the chance of the remarriage failing is 60-70%, then it seems that what needs to be focused on is the marriage first. To do otherwise would increase the risk of the kids being put through yet another divorce. Yes, whenever possible, it’s only right that a father and stepmom consider the BM’s feelings as they will also affect the kids, but their choices as a couple- which will likely include and SM caring for children, discussing parenting decisions with her husband, etc- come first.
This doesn’t mean a stepmom should be communicating with the BM about parenting decisions as that would be disrespectful. But it is also disrespectful for someone to attempt to but boundaries up between a woman and her husband.
Yes, Abby. The priority needs to be the marriage, just like you said
.
Well…this is the crux of the problem, isn’t it.
In general, if you ask a mother which she’d throw overboard if forced to choose, her kids or her husband, she’ll toss the man. Her priority is the kids, and for good reason. Thousands of daytime-TV hours are devoted to this dynamic.
On the other hand, the kids are not the priority for the next wife, also for good reason.
I don’t think there’s really a way out of this unless both women are reasonably secure and okay with how things are going, are able to negotiate well, and are independent people. The worst outcome is to leave things to the hapless man, who hadn’t stopped to think about any of this stuff anyway and is just trying to get through life in one piece. The more the women depend on him — financially, emotionally — the more potential for trouble there is.
My advice, if you’re the more secure and independent of the two, and it doesn’t matter which wife you are: Let go. Just let go. It’ll be easier (and possibly more rewarding) to do whatever it is on your own than it is to fight a woman whose priority is not yours and who’s white-knuckling the guy’s time, money, attention, whatever. If there’s something you must fight for, choose the battle carefully, go in and score your KO as neatly as possible, and get out again.
Frankly, I find the “do it to spare the kids another divorce” argument disingenuous. If you’re that worried about putting the kids through another divorce, then hell, leave the man alone, find a guy who hasn’t got kids. I think it’s as well to recognize that the priorities are just different.
I’d also like to remind the stepmoms posting that many moms take offense at being called a “biological mother” or bio-mom or BM unless they have in fact given up their children. If we want mutual respect, let’s start with how we refer to each other.
Unless, of course, by “bio-mom” you mean Bionic Mom.
Which I think I like. A lot.
Better, stronger, faster. Check. We can rebuild her. We have the technology.
(I’ll leave the part about the Six Million Dollar Mom alone.)
Bionic Mom.
amy –
I would hope a husband could swim. I’d toss mine off too to save my child. But that’s an extreme example. We’re not talking about drowning, we’re talking about preserving a marriage.
My point is not that the stepmoms should cease to think about the children, or that the husbands or mom should never make kids a priority. Simply that the marriage SHOULD be the first priority for the sake of the children involved because stability is paramount to child’s well being. And I would challenge BMs to think that way too about their new relationships, and hopefully to extend that need for stability i nto respecting their ex’s new partnership. It is what is best for the children.
As the issue of the BM acronym, feel free to think of it as Bionic Mom. Or Best Mom even if you choose. I am also a mom to my stepchild, however, and for a long time in the early years the primary one, so BM is just used to clarify.
Abby –
As someone who fought long and hard to preserve a marriage for exactly that reason, I hear what you’re saying. But in the end, I separated from my ex because I could no longer take care of him and our daughter simultaneously, and he was not at the time good for either me or her. It’s an unfortunately common story.
My sense that my daughter comes first — well ahead of a man — was born then. There are many divorced moms like me.
What it means is that the stability of your marriage is, to us, only one factor in determining what’s good for our kids, and it can be outweighed. If our kids are begging not to go because of problems they have with the stepmom, and the dad’s insisting that they just “get used to the new normal” or somesuch, then sure we’ll do whatever we can to protect our kids.
Or maybe all of a sudden a dad who’s been very generous and paid for sports and other things that were large parts of their lives suddenly wants to spend the money on a home with the new wife, pulls back hard on spending, and fights to cut child support. Maybe he’s insensitive about it. That’s not rare. In that case the mom is watching the kids’ dad drop them, and watching them go through the pain of losing their dad’s attention and their activities and activity-based friendships and sense of competence, and maybe at the same time she has to work more to make up lost income. Result: the kids are in pain, she’s too busy to help them emotionally, and she’s more stretched than she was before. So no, of course she’s not going to be friendly about it. She and the kids may not be too interested in the marriage’s stability then.
Consider what happens if she decides to be the grownup in this situation: She gets a lot of heartache and stress, she and the kids get poorer, she’s probably giving up things that help her get along — like maybe daily exercise — in order to buffer her kids from their dad’s being lousy. Is anyone likely to thank her for this, or even recognize how she’s being harmed? No. For all she knows, all she’s doing is teaching the dad and his new wife that she’s a pushover. So again, I’m not seeing great motive to protect the stepmom’s marriage.
I don’t think most moms are looking to damage or sabotage the stepmoms’ marriage. But we want the kids well-supported and well-cared-for, and the stepmom’s definition of those things is not going to displace our own ideas of what our kids need. If a stepmom walks in and essentially says, “But look, they get all these other benefits having me around,” — well, you know, they may not agree. If someone comes into your home and redoes it without your knowledge or permission, and then tries to tell you how much *better* it is this way, you’re probably not going to be too friendly about that, either.
I think that in the end, all the adults need to recognize that both the mom and the stepmom are competing for scarce resources: the dad’s time, attention, and money. The mom’s competing on behalf of her kids — which is going to make her formidable — and the stepmom’s competing on behalf of herself and her marriage, and her own kids, if she has any.
If they can be grownups about it — and that’s a quality in short supply, too — then they can sit down with a mediator and talk about needs. And negotiate. What it requires is that the dad be active in these discussions and be able to talk, realistically, what he has to give and what he needs himself. Because in the end, if he’s bitten off more than he can chew in terms of responsibility to both the old family and the new, there’ll be trouble. But it needs to be faced squarely by all parties or you’ll have a long simmering battle.
I think that in normal mom/stepmom negotiations, we really wind up relieving the man of much of this work, by the way. And I think the picture of mom/stepmom relations would change pretty dramatically if we didn’t, and if the guys were held responsible for managing — out in the open — their commitments.
I think that too often, the men simply give up rather than manage those commitments, change their behavior without warning, refuse adamantly to take blame, and hope it’ll all be cool. They do not negotiate much, and do not seriously consider what’s important for the kids and the ex-wife’s sanity and why. Nor are they thinking seriously about what promises, implicit or explicit, they’ve made to the new wife.
If that’s what happens, then yes, I think you can reasonably expect the ex-wife to be bitter, and not to care if your marriage succeeds. From her pov, her children’s father has harmed both her and her kids in order to please you and himself. And no doubt this falls on a heap of other old slights, broken promises, etc.
If on the other hand all three can recognize that the father is a finite-resources guy, and negotiate something that works for all three of them, and stick to it honestly…then you have a shot at something good. But I can also see a lightbulb moment in the mediator’s office where the guy realizes he’s overpromised…and shares the news with one woman or both. If the women are angry then, they’ve every right to be, but at least they’ll be pointing the finger in the right direction, and can get to work figuring out how to handle this reality.
If you get a good mediator, you also have someone who can help the mom understand that it’s reasonable for the guy to have a life, share himself with a girlfriend or wife, and that she can’t expect so much for the kids that he has no freedom to do that. So yes, it may mean less attention and money for the kids, and now the question is how to help the mom and kids with that. The mediator can also break it to the stepmom that maybe there are things you guys talked about doing together that aren’t going to be possible till the kids are grown, because he has this prior commitment that maybe he didn’t explain to you was so large. And then the question is how can the stepmom still get what she needs.
Honest assessments of needs, expectations, and resources — they’re so very important. I think that in tense situations mediators are also good because they’re disinterested third parties, and because it creates a record: you guys all agreed to do X, so if someone’s playing games or going back on his or her word, you can say hey, you promised to do X, please man or woman up for the sake of the kids. You can also go back to the mediator if one of you is trying to make it work and just can’t.
I just realized the above didn’t touch on things like different ideas of childrearing, living conditions, etc — other things that go into defining the stepmom’s role. But again, openness with a moderator handy, it’s so helpful.
About the biomom thing: yeah, Abby, I know you use it as a shorthand. But if you were accustomed to calling some kid down the street Squinty, because you thought it was cute and that was your private name for him, and finally his mom came and said look, you’re hurting the kid’s feelings, please stop — I think you’d stop. At least in public, and, more than likely, in private too.
If the moms are saying “please stop, we find it insulting”…I think it’s polite (and sensible) to stop. Similarly, if I was hearing from stepmoms that the name was insulting to them and they preferred something else, I’d switch.
Culture and individual family structure always affects a stepmom’s role, but I do not feel that is anyone’s role to define except her own with the agreement of her husband and children.
And this is a group, not kid on the street. Groups are comprised of individuals and even within the community here I believe you will find many who are fine with BM as well as others who agree with you. Similarly, there are many stepmoms who do not want to be referred to as the stepmom, and some who also reject the term “Bonus Mom” for their own reasons. From what I have seen they are afraid to speak up because they are repeatedly told that asking to be referred to as a Mom of any sort is disrespectful.
I will happily refer to my son’s other mother as his FM, since she came first, or his other mom when differentiating, but the current consensus among this community has been for TM or BM and I do find the use of the former personally insulting. Restricting the use of the term Mom or The Mom to biological moms (as often naturally happens in stepfamily discussions due to the necessity to clarify) slights my own relationship with my son. At least BM and SM are accurate descriptions as opposed to descriptions which intentionally limit the value and importance of the other woman involved.
All right. Let me clarify, then. Please do not call me a “bio-mom” or a BM or any other such, or refer to moms that way when talking to me, because I do find it insulting. I am my daughter’s mom. If you’d rather I not use “stepmoms” when speaking to you or call you a stepmom, that’s fine, I won’t.
If we can’t extend even that much respect to one another, then I think there’s not much hope of getting along, so it’s worth swallowing hard and doing it. What we do in the privacy of our own skulls is something else.
(Oops — I see that we’ve gone asynchronous here. I had another comment before the last one, but it looks like it’s still in moderation. The bit in the published one about mediation doesn’t make much sense without it.)
As for negotiating roles — I understand that your husband’s ex-wife wasn’t much involved, and my guess is that someone like that would probably not show up to mediation in the first place. But where all the parents are involved, I think that laying things out on the table and hashing them out in a controlled and constructive way — which is where mediators are helpful — can prevent significant trouble. A while back a woman posted in tears, having just recognized how she’d unintentionally made things tough, repeatedly, for her husband’s ex, and how that had contributed to hard feelings. If they’d sat together and been able to say these things directly — hey, it might have saved a lot of time, anger, and bitterness on both sides.
I have no idea what my ex’s gf wants or doesn’t want in terms of a role in my daughter’s life, or what she’s looking for in her relationship with my girl’s dad. For now the gf doesn’t want to meet, let alone talk. But I’m sure those wants and needs are in there, and that if she sticks around, they’ll play out. It’d sure be nice to have them articulated, so that I know when I’m about to touch a third rail, or so I could say, “I get that, but there’s this competing need over here, so what do you figure we ought to do about it.”
As for the place of the mom’s, dad’s, or stepmom’s wishes in the two homes…well, you can pretend that there’s a bright line, but the ones who pay for that are the kids. Which is why all the grownups need to come together and do the grownup work of compromising and finding ways to whittle down the areas of disagreement and discontinuity. Again, preferably with a neutral moderator. And if there’s an untenable situation in the mix — a mom refuses to accept the new marriage, the dad’s made promises he can’t keep or figures it’s his new wife’s job to keep the kids happy, the stepmom believes the mom should “accept the new reality” and find money and parenting for the children somewhere else, too bad so sad — I think it’s best to get it out in the open right away and deal with it, before it festers and contaminates the rest of the relationships.
Having these kinds of discussions also makes all the parents responsible for saying out loud what they want, and need, and object to, and for finding a civil way of doing it. It can’t be taken into consideration if it’s not brought up.
It doesn’t mean that there’ll be no disagreements. If my ex’s gf, for instance, wanted to start taking my daughter to church, I’d say no, and since we have religious matters spelled out in our decree, that’s something she’d just have to live with. I would not negotiate on that matter. Similarly, if I wanted the gf to go veg for her, and she didn’t want to, that’d be the end of that story. But if the parents are earnest I think a lot of areas of contention can be whittled away.
Obviously it’s not something all families can do. A woman upthread is supposed to co-parent with her ex-husband’s mistress, the homewrecker. I think that’s deeply unreasonable to ask, and I’d support legislation that provided — in divorce due to one partner leaving the other for someone else — that the children remain with the wronged parent, exceptional support ordered, and that the lover be barred from contact with the children without the express permission of the wronged parent. A dad abandons the kids, then reappears and wants some custody and say-so: no, of course it’s not reasonable to tell the mom and stepdad that all of a sudden they should rearrange their lives to accommodate this man. Or that they should do it serially, as he drifts in and out of their lives.
On the whole, though, I think it’s probably possible for most to talk about these things explicitly. What I see happen IRL is that the turf-dividing conversations do happen one way or another: either informally, or in a mediation room, or in front of a judge. The more you can avoid the judge, though, the less bitterness and misunderstanding there’s likely to be. I think, too, that in an atmosphere where there’s an able mediator, a lot of childishness may fall by the wayside. “That unreasonable bitch” doesn’t stand up too well in the face of a neutral third party who can show that the needs and demands are really not unreasonable or crazy.
So, in short: its hard for SMs to get any respect and unable for BMs to give any respect?
My situation is the opposite. I never see my daughters fathers wife (interesting: I never call him my ex-husband…) nor hear something about her taking care of the children. She functions as a ‘babysit’ sometimes when their father has to go to an occasional meeting.
If I take the girls to his house she hides/works? (or runs up to!) in the attic. In 2 years only one time I met her face to face on which occasion I was screamed at for 10 minutes (about she being married to him now, not me, about that she spend hundreds of dollars on presents for the kids, etc) untill I hugged her and started crying. I was startled. Apparently she doesnt get any respect from the children or her husband (the ones she should get if from) or is that much focused on me… But I dont know her, I dont even recognise her, and hardly hear anything about her.
I asked the girls father a few times to invite her to come over for tea. She never did. Or: he never took that message to her I found out the moment I met her, in which I was able to ask her directly. She agreed but never turned up.
I think it would be a good idea to know the woman who lives in the same house my children live in. I would like to talk about things concerning the children since their father is a man, she is a woman and my children are girls. I would like her to know my perspective on the girls as well.
Of course I understand all things stephmoms are getting through, especially the ones faceing wicked ex-wifes (note: (B)M’s, try to act like (B)M’s and not like EWs!)’. But I think the SM’s should understand that they did choose for a relational situation including children AND their mother. And that since they are the ones entering this system, they should try to be open for a relationship to all actors.
But she is not and I am.
And I am because, even if I did not ask fo a divorce and a quick marriage to the other woman and I did not aks to miss my children but for their sake I give them the possibility to stay with their father, this is the situation I have to deal with. And since this is the situation all I ask is to get to know the woman my girls are at least influenced by, if she is not taking care of them. I dont want to know her so much as a person but surely as a SM.
The world is probably filled with willing SM’s and angry BM’s (of EW’s?!)… but I am stuck in an opposite situation.
Here is what I don’t get. I am a sm who has been watching dh deal with a very high conflict ex. What is so wrong with a sm caring for a child while under her roof? When a child goes to a friends house doesn’t the friend’s parents in a sense parent/guide that child when there? What about babysitter? Aren’t they hired in a sense to parent a child when the parents are not there? Daycares? Etc……. What I am trying to say is this. You have all these other “child care” providers guiding and implementing their and the parents rules. The children grow to love them and want to spend time with these appointed caretakers YET when a stepmom steps into the dynamic and looks to team up and partner up with the mother becoming an asset and be a support structure for the father of said child, the mother in a sense flips out. Why, Because she married the man she loves who happens to have children with another woman? I find that hypocritical.
Please don’t find offense in what I posted. I am just trying to understand why it has to be so hypocritical.
I can see what you’re asking, A stepmom ~ I think the difference might be that babysitters, teachers, and daycare providers actually implement the parent’s rules…they don’t usurp them or think that their rules are better than the parents.
Much of the conflict I see comes from that ~ stepmoms who think they know better than the moms (I’m talking about NORMAL moms, not completely dysfunctional ones) or have ‘rights’ because they are in partnership with the dad.
In the end, those other support givers (teachers/daycare providers/babysitters) respect how the parents are choosing to raise their children and they don’t interject without being asked. I often see stepmoms VEHEMENTLY disrespecting their stepkid’s mothers while being angry that the mom doesn’t want thier input. That is hypocritical too. I personally don’t understand why stepmoms feel the need to have ‘say’ over kids that aren’t theirs ~ why can’t they just back up their partners co-parenting relationship with the kids other parent? Why the demand for respect and recognition while not respecting or recognizing the mom’s authority and position? (same goes for moms who don’t respect and recognize their ex-Husband’s equal rights to the kids too)
It’s incredibly invasive for a mom to have a woman jump in and decide she has equal say, or is entitled to ‘rights’ over her kids ~ especially if the mom has been doing a majority of the raising and the children aren’t infants. Why is that hard for stepmoms to understand?