In my three short years as a stepmom, I’ve learned some things about divorced moms that I wish I would have known at the very beginning. It would have made my journey SO much easier.
I’m sharing them with you now, in hopes that your ride will be a little smoother than mine.
Keep in mind, there are always exceptions to the rule. There are moms who are open to having another woman love, care, help raise their children, and don’t mind hearing about it. But there are far more moms who aren’t so comfy with that idea. Some moms will never get there, and some just need time.
1. Whether or not they still hold a torch for their ex-husband, and whether it’s been six months or six years, moms think it’s weird to meet the other woman. Some of these women are angry because they have less access to their ex’s now that you’re in the picture, and for some of them it’s the reality that it’s over.
For others, even if they aren’t holding a torch, it can still be weird seeing the father of their child with another woman. No real explanation needed – it’s just ODD.
This can be hard for stepmoms to understand, because we know how our husband feels about her. But that’s not what she sees. She sees HER emotions and feelings and if she’s not ready to let go, there’s no way she’ll be open to you.
For this reason alone, it’s best to take it slow. If you’ve reached out and got your head bit off, or ignored, take that sign to heart. She’s not ready for you.
Take your focus off her and put it back on yourself and your family. It’s not personal, it’s about her working through her stuff.
2. Moms feel like a bad parent when they send their children off to dad’s house, where another woman, whom they don’t know, will be taking care of them.
It just feels wrong.
This is strange to stepmoms, because we simply see ourselves as an additional person to love and care for our partner’s children. Or at the very least, we’re just doing what any responsible adult would do when there are children in their home – taking care of them.
3. Moms don’t want to see you at parent-teacher conferences. For them, it’s like letting a stranger in who suddenly wants to make decisions about their children. Even if you sit and say nothing, it’s still an invasion. They might look at you and think “Who are you? You have no right to be taking part in this ritual.”
This can be frustrating for stepmoms, because we just want to know what’s going with the child so we can better help take care of him. This is especially difficult if our husbands aren’t so great at relaying details.
4. Mom didn’t sign up to co-parent with you. You’re a stranger to her. It doesn’t mean anything to her that her ex has chosen you. SHE hasn’t. She doesn’t want to hear from you about how you’ve disciplined her kids or the “plan” you and your husband have come up with.
In her mind, she only co-parents with him. She did just fine before you came along (even if you disagree), and if you attempt to discuss parenting or disciplining with her, what she’s likely to hear is “You’re not doing a good enough job. Let me take over. Let me tell you how to do your job.” Even though that’s rarely a stepmom’s intention.
Stepmoms often think we have a “right” to share in the disciplining of the children, since we live with them and are affected by their actions.
So, until you have a respectful relationship with mom and she’s given you “permission” to talk to her about parenting issues, keep them between you and your husband and let your husband be your voice.
5. You can be a reminder of what has failed. Often, moms feel like they’ve failed their family. They failed their children. And every time they see or hear from you, they are reminded of that. So go easy on them. Don’t rush them. Give them time to adjust to the newness. Give them time to grow.
6. Don’t tell mom that she should be open to you because “it’s what’s best for the kids.” Even though it IS best for the kids, saying this can put her on the defensive. It’s as if the fact that she’s not ready to work things out means she’s NOT willing to put her child’s needs first. And that will not go over well.
I know that some of this may not make sense to stepmoms, but it’s not your job to understand why she feels this way. Just knowing that she does, will hopefully be enough reason for you to find little ways to adjust your behavior so you’ll be in the best possible position for a relationship with her, when she’s ready.
Related Posts:
- What divorced moms should know about stepmoms
- Are we sabotaging ourselves?
- I’m done trying to make peace with the other woman. Now what?
© 2011 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
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Hi. On one hand I really like this article and it makes a stepmom think about things, get the other sides point-of-view. On the other hand it makes me mad because it seems like everything is always about the mother and how she feels. How long should a stepmom have to wait for the ex to get over all her ‘stuff’ and realize that yes there is another woman in her child’s life? No, forget that because I do realize that for some women the thought is never comfortable and they will always have a problem with that.. but what about women, mothers, the ex, who needs to realize that her ex-husband-the father- did not disappear after the divorce and has a right to parent his child whether or not he brings another woman into it. A stepmom can tread lightly and be understanding in all things and still have trouble with the ex-wife because of the way the father and the children are treated (and even herself). How much is a stepmom and the father supposed to give before they say enough is enough?
Hi Jacquelyn, thanks for your comment! I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and every day I see stepmoms making similar mistakes when trying to forge a relationship with their husband’s ex-wife. This article is meant as a way of saying “Hey, just so ya know, you could be doing more damage then good when trying x,y and z.”
I completely agree with you, of course a father has a right to parent his children, regardless of the reasons for divorce, but if the stepmom calls up the mom to give her opinion about things, she’s only going to make their relationship more strained.
And I’m not saying that stepmoms should disregard their own feelings. But the reason it probably seems that it’s always about the mom’s feelings is because it’s usually the mom who won’t accept the stepmom, not the other way around. The mom is the slower one to come around.
I’m not sure to what you’re referring to in regards to “enough is enough.” Can you be more specific?
Thanks!
I have been a stepmom for 12 yrs.(22yr.old boy and 15yr.old girl)I have been with my husband for 14yrs. Everthing you wrote make so much sence.But I am dealing with a real wako this women has not moved on 1 bit. I have tried everything!!! We even had her son move in for 3yrs (15-18)were she left everything that had anything to do with her son(cloths,school drawing everthing) in our driveway!!! My husband and I after her last “thing” have not spoken a word to her(3yrs)She drops off her daughter and we bring her home and thats it.It has been a LONG 14years! She has tried everything to keep me out of the picture.By the way she has been remarried for9yrs!!! So I don’t know what her deal is.Because of how she has made this my relationship with the kids is very strained and that sometimes comes between myself and my husband
Jan, I know it must be awful, to have that stress in your life, getting in the way of *everything*. The best thing you can do is focus on your marriage. Let her go, let all the negativity go and make your marriage the priority. The last thing you want is her getting in the way of THAT
Yep, I remember not hearing from my ex about our daughter in over half a year, and who calls to ask for her SSN? His wife. I tried so kindly to explain to her that I don’t hear from him about our daughter, and so when that much time passes, I’d like to hear from her father first. It just seemed really out of whack with me.
Yep, I totally get it, Deb!
I hear you, and yes this is how my husband’s ex acts.
But I was in the other shoes years ago, and I never experienced these things. I was glad my daughter’s dad had a girlfriend, and later wife, as I felt it was important to have a female influence in the home. I honestly didn’t look for reasons to be upset, and I didn’t get upset. I wanted everyone to be happy, fulfilled, and particularly for my daughter to have a great relationship with them and feel loved.
I was no saint, I like to think this is the NORMAL, HEALTHY response. It is a result of knowing you don’t have control, and trusting in what you’ve taught your child and in God. So even though I accept this is the way ex-wives sometimes feel, I still hold them responsible for their choices and attitudes.
Hi Robin, you’re the kind of mom mentioned in the third paragraph! The kind who is open to having another woman love and care for her child
Unfortunately, not all moms feel that way, or maybe they want to, but struggle with it initially. If there were more moms who were able to be open like you are, we probably wouldn’t need our website! 
All I cared about was the smile on my daughter’s face when she went to see her dad, or came back and shared stories. It felt weird at first for his girlfriend to pick up our daughter at first, without her dad there. She just showed up one day, and no one told me it would be just her so I felt really conflicted about it.
But my ability to put my feelings aside and use my brain, helped me so much. I saw her take good care of her daughter, and knew she would take care of ours. My daughter didn’t cry or act afraid, although she seemed a bit timid at first. However, my instinct was to help my daughter deal so I stood outside her truck and talked with her a few minutes while my daughter and hers sat in cab of the truck watching. I’m not saying it was easy. I just did what I needed to do for my daughter to feel comfortable. By the time they took off, my daughter and hers were smiling at each other and all seemed fine.
Debbie, the stepmom in your situation is lucky that you were so open to her from the very start
I’m a Dad who has equal parenting with my ex-wife, and since I have remarried my wife is now trying to take custody away and move 4 hours away. We have always done everything suggested, giving her space, making huge concessions, being incredibly understanding, but she just can’t cope with seeing us around town as ‘a family’ and I just don’t know what to do. She is upsetting my daughter incredibly, my daughter normally loves her time both with me and with my ex, but now what my ex wife is doing is really hurting everyone.
I’m sorry to hear that, Peter. Some women just *can’t* move on. Do you have good communication with your ex-wife? Is she open to a conversation about the effect this is having on her daughter? Do you know what your chances are of her winning custody? How old is your daughter? Also, you can join our Facebook page and get really great advice from both moms and stepmoms! http://www.facebook.com/pages/No-Ones-the-Bitch/89518872066
This article explains my husband’s ex wife to a tee!!!! Seriously!! It’s uncanny. The article helps see into the ex wife’s thought process… but it’s still a very selfish and destructive process! It’s not right and I have a hard time seeing how letting a bio mom just continue on with poor behavior will ever get better?? Does she just wake up one morning and realize she’s been a self-righteous monster for years?
“4. Mom didn’t sign up to co-parent with you”… this statement alone makes me shake my head and think oh yes she did!! It is my firm belief that any mother who is considering divorce, or getting a divorce should STOP and make themselves very aware of the fact that YOU WILL have to share your child with another woman!! If you’re a mother that assumed that her ex husband will never find another woman to love and just stay single the rest of his life… then she is now facing her rude awakening. When you divorce with children you ARE signing up to co-parent, and with more than just your ex!
I could see how knowing these things about a bio-mom’s position could be helpful in “dealing” with situations when they arise, but I don’t think it makes a step-mom feel any better when bio-mom lashes out at you, and shows zero gratitude for the things you do as a step-mom. We step-moms do A LOT, and in many cases (such as mine) we do more than the bio-mom. I don’t do it to take her place.. . trust me, I’d much rather her step up to the plate and raise HER daughter.
Frankly, I see this is a list of all the “selfish reasons” a bio-mom acts a fool… none of the reasons listed here are fair or logical thought process from which a bio-mom has a leg to stand on. I want to be there the day someone stops “babying” the bio-mom and starts being a bit more blunt and saying “hey, the choices you’ve made in the past have gotten you where you are today. Stop worrying about how you “feel” or the things you “hate” and start worrying about doing what “right”! Yet again the step-mom is being told to be understanding, supportive, to redirect her attention… it’s like the bio-mom is the bully on the play ground and instead of telling bio-mom that her behavior is unacceptable and must change in order to continue to play, we just tell the other kids (step-moms) to stay away from the bully) I’d love to find an article where it explains to a bio-mom how the actions in this article is WRONG, destructive, selfish, and downright mean at times.
Thanks for your comment, Kris. This article isn’t meant to justify mom’s behavior. It’s meant as means of giving some understanding behind the behavior. Instead of thinking that she’s some crazy bitch, in her mind, there are logical reasons she acts the way she does. It doesn’t make it right, by any means. But you also can’t make a person change. All you can do is learn how to protect yourself from her lashing out at you, and that’s all about boundaries. You have to set firm boundaries that clearly shows her what you will and won’t put up with.
Could you give me an example of what so called “logical” reasons bio-mom thinks she has to feel the things listed above? Maybe that would help…
Thank you, Kris, I couldn’t agree more!
Hi Kris (and Robin)! I think Jenna did a great job of getting inside the head of many moms…. It sounds like your relationship with the mom is fairly contentious and she may not be that involved, so there are probably some mitigating factors in your situation that we haven’t covered.
While it would be nice to assume that moms should *know* they’re signing up to share parenting with another woman once they divorce (no matter who initiates it), that is just not often the case. The divorce is about creating some distance and separation between the spouses, in an effort to minimize conflict (and hopefully end it, although that is a wishful fantasy). So most moms are focused on the short-term moment, and especially on the effects of the split on their kids.
You’re assuming that the moms should implicitly understand the contributions the stepmoms are making with the kids and that isn’t often the case either. You have to remember, she can’t *see* into your household. What’s happening there is off stage, so to speak. For many moms, the stepmom is also inextricably bound up with their ex in their minds, so the SM’s efforts may be “tainted” by leftover anger and hurt feelings the mom has with her ex. Doesn’t make it right, but it’s human nature, and we’re all guilty of it at times….
You might find this article helpful, that comes from the mind of a mom who finds herself with a new woman in her life: http://www.noonesthebitch.com/http:/2011/03/07/what-to-expect-when-you-werent-expecting-a-stepmom/
Hi Jennifer
I agree Jenna did a good job giving some insight to what a bm is thinking, it’s just hard for me to see the BM’s logic in any of it. I guess I get stuck on that because I understand logic more than anything else. My SD’s mom is involved per say… hard to explain her role without taking a lot of time, but let’s just say 3 yrs ago sd moved in with my husband and I and BM decided she no longer needed to make an effort to be an “active” part of her daughter’s life. This includes seeing her on a regular or scheduled basis, communicating and being involved in problem solving. BM has always been in the picture… just when it’s convenient for her. She wants the title of “mom”, but doesn’t wish to get her hands dirty. Example: my SD has been in counseling for over 2 years now resolving issues of suicidal thoughts, her relationship with her mom, and her parents’ divorce. Back in the beginning of Dec 2010 the counselor suggested that my SD and her BM have a session together. My SD mentioned to her BM several times about her coming down for the session. She blew if off for 6 months. I was talking with my SD one day and suggested she ask her mom again… I told her to ask her in a respectful, but straight forward manner if she was coming to her scheduled appointment and if she said “I don’t know” again to ask her when she would be able to make it and ask for a specific date… surprise surprise bio-mom will be at the counselor with SD next week.
I know divorces are messy and there is a lot to think about… I can see how the long term effects could be over looked. It is just my opinion that BM’s and SM’s would both benefit from a mother considering the fact that she will be sharing her child with another woman. I realize this is not the norm… but feel it should be. Sadly, my best friend just recently divorced and she has a 5 yr old son. This exact subject is something I brought up to her when she was in the beginning stages. Maybe it would be beneficial for friends and family to start mentioning this too soon to be divorced mothers? As much as the short term effects consume us it is the long term effects that will come back to bite us in the rear… no sense in a BM taking herself down, along with an innocent SM.
I mistakenly do “expect” that a BM would have some idea of the contributions a sm is making…absolutely… they are adults, not children. If they have raised their children long enough they already know what it takes to raise a child. What makes a BM think a SM isn’t doing everything a BM would do in the BM’s absence? Like stated above… “we’re just doing what any responsible adult would do when there are children in their home – taking care of them”. As an example: If BM is not paying child support and she knows ex and sm have a duel income… does BM honestly believe that sm’s income is not suplimenting what income is not coming from her? This is not rocket science… it’s common sense. There are a lot of things a SM does for her step kids that a BM can be aware of if she takes the time to think about it. But again, BM is so wrapped up in her “personal feelings” that common sense seems to fly out the window along with courtesy. It seems like some BM’s just prefer to “hate” then “appreciate”. I believe that most SM’s would prefer the BM raise her own child then leave it up to the SM. I told my husband once that he and BM are the parents, and it should be me who is the “friend”. My thought process is, if you don’t like not being there to handle it yourself, then make the necessary changes. I understand not everything can be “changed”, but anyone can make changes to get at least closer to their goal. I mean honestly, it’s that what SM’s are being told all the time? How they will benefit from learning to bend and change! In reality it’s more about the BM hating what they aren’t “willing” change. Well, at least in my case, and I’m sure many other’s also. I know BM cannot “see” what’s happening in my home… yet this is also a choice the BM makes by pushing the SM away. Sometimes I think they don’t even want to know what you are doing! My husband has told my sd’s BM of some of the things I’ve done… to include talking with my SD about her strained relationship with her mother and doing NOTHING but assuring SD that her mother loves her and encouraging her to share her feelings with her mother. But it doesn’t matter… she still chooses hate. It’s not that I’m doing anything wrong… it’s that she hates her own inadequacy and it’s much easier to blame me, than take a look at herself and make the necessary changes.
I know it can’t be easy for a BM to have to share her child, but it can be a lot easier than they make it! By the way… thank you all for your time and allowing me to post. I do wish to learn, and I think I have some new perspectives to look at. Thank you again!
Thank you, Kris! I appreciate you trying to broaden your perspective and I appreciate your input as well…..
Here’s another way to look at it: for whatever reason, the mom is overwhelmed by her life and has chosen, consciously or not, to blow off parenting her daughter. For a parent to hear that her child is potentially suicidal and yet not act on that shows you how incapable she is of reasonable behavior. But if she was once an active part of her child’s life, then chances are, somewhere inside herself, she feels like crap for neglecting her daughter.
And is so, she may turn that bad feeling about herself around and focus it on you or her ex, instead of directly feeling how awful it is. This is also human nature. Again, no excuses. But sounds like she’s hit her limit and cannot be counted upon as an involved, mature parenting partner. And so you must accept that, handle your negative emotions in response and plan accordingly. Tough stuff and nothing you asked for, but just accepting it head on will eventually make your life so much better.
Getting back to soon-to-be-divorced moms preparing themselves for another woman! Perhaps you’re underestimating the amount of pain many moms are already experiencing, splitting apart their family. The last thing they need is to imagine a new woman coming into the picture – especially if there’s no one actually on the scene yet! Getting a divorce hits you in your core and it can be really hard to get your bearings and feel solid again. To deliberately envision a scenario where your ex will have an ally who will be in direct and frequent contact with the children is agonizing for many women… and then they eventually get used to the idea.
I get what you’re saying though…. Maybe part of our *marriage* vows should include a clause about how if we get divorced, each partner retains the right to share any children with their new partner! We might have a fewer marriages that way.
I raised a child by myself. I’ve been a foster parent to nine children. I reported on court cases for many years. I’ve seen a lot of ugliness, pain and abuse. I have never been so astounded as to see a woman intentionally turn her kids against their father, to fill their minds with hatred and lies out of fear of losing them, to deny them love and caring that other human beings desire to freely give. We can talk about “why” she does this and how she “feels” all day, but it is an insidious form of child abuse that, for whatever reason, is prevalent in affluent communities across our country.
Jennifer… thank you for the insight. What you wrote in the 1st paragraph makes a lot of sense and I’m sure some of it if not all of it is true in this case. I think I have come to a cross road where I can begin to except that she is the way she stop holding my breath. I do not wish for her actions or lack thereof to spoil what good I have in my life. Change has already began, and I’m hoping with the help of this site that change will begin to take off! The BM/SD relationship seems to be getting better, so I feel better about disengaging and letting the parents be parents. Maybe I was way too involved in the beginning… when my SD moved in with us after her dad came home from a 1 yr tour in Iraq I pretty much hit the ground running being a “active” SM. I’m sure BM didn’t like that. but In good faith I could not stand by and watch a innocent teenager struggle so much and just stand by and watch her fall on her face. I felt someone had to do it, and at that time, that someone was me. Honestly, I am sooooo ready for SD’s SM to be the actual mom and not just hold the “title”.
I do see what you are saying about a soon to be divorced mother and the anguish that can go along with that. How imagining your soon to be ex with another woman, or another woman helping raise your children could potentially just send you over the edge and be too much to handle. But I still can’t help but feel that if the subject was addressed or at least mentioned that it would be a good thing. Maybe best if mentioned in the very beginning when divorce is being considered, rather than during the actual process of divorce. I to have been through a divorce myself, yet I didn’t have any children and it was still awful!! So I can only imagine. Although, I feel there are exceptions in some cases. My husband’s ex actually left him for a man she cheated on him with. This was the 3rd time she’d been unfaithful. She left him, and married this man, taking shared custody of their children and actually becoming a SM to 2 younger children herself! So in my case, the BM deliberately and willingly separated her family for what she thought was for “her” own good. I doubt she was crying in her cheerios or agonizing over splitting up her family… she just simply moved from one family to the next. My now husband was in Iraq at the time, and she had already moved on before my husband even knew what was coming. This BM has experienced 1st hand what being the “other woman” is all about… she to shared another woman’s kids. Therefore I find it hard to find sympathy for her failed response as a mother /BM. She’s always been about being the “victim” no matter what choices SHE has made. Honestly, in my case it just seems this BM should know better.
There are so many different scenarios out there it’s hard to know what’s right and wrong sometimes…
Hi! I’m from the Netherlands. First of all; thank you for taking up this subject (and apologies for my bad English). There is barely information about this subject available. My husbands ex-wife is ignoring me and it is true, it hurts. I cannot explain exactly why. Maybe I wish to be acknowledged, but why do I need this from her? My relationship with my husband and my five bonuskids is great. And the kids also show their enthousiasm about me in front of her. I can see it is painfull for her, but I am not capable of ignoring the kids when she is around. I have thought about writing her an e-mail, saying that I’m not trying to take over her roll. But I don’t think this is a good idea right now. Sometimes I worry about the future, what about weddings! Now when we go to a school play for example, and she is also there, sitting close to us or further away in the aula: guess what the kids do? They go and sit on my husbands and my lap! Should I sent them to their mother? It is very difficult… I hope time will heel wounds. I don’t expect her te becom my best friend, but I hope the energy will flow some day…
Hi Sanne, as women, we are naturally “externally motivated.” We could be in a room with 100 people and if 99 of them like us, but one doesn’t, we’ll spend every minute worrying about why that ONE person doesn’t like us, right? Add in the fact that you take care of this woman’s children when they’re not with her and it makes a perfect formula for wishing you had some sort of acknowledgement from her
It’s perfectly normal and many stepmoms feel this way.
Without knowing the intimate details of your situation, I can’t tell you whether or not reaching out to her would be the right thing, but I suggest you continue to focus on yourself and your family and do your best to fulfill that need of acknowledgement on your own.
Be proud of who you are and what you do and congratulate and celebrate yourself often!
I would be happy to give you some reasons why the bio mom might feel like her behavior is appropriate. First and foremost, stating that all women considering divorce have asked to have another raise their children is ridiculous. I am divorced and fought tooth and nail to NOT be divorced for the sake of my son, despite the fact that my husband cheated on me. Then when he finally got his “woman” pregnant (5 years later), he decided to have me served with divorce papers at work. He did not ASK, nor consider his child in any of this, he only considered himself. Now, they are married, and I am expected to get along with step mom b/c my child spends half of his life with her. The best part is that my ex and step mom make all the decisions related to my child without consulting me one single bit. They dont communicate with me at all, except for drop off/pickup times. I do everything in my power to communicate with him all the things that my son is involved in, but when my son is with them I hear nothing. When I ask, then I am told I dont have a right to pry. I am not trying to pry, but they are clearly cutting me out.
I take great offense to the above listed person who said that ANY woman contemplating divorce is asking for the involvement of a step mom. That is not true. In fact, with today’s laws my guess is a great many women did not initiate nor agree with the divorce. So while Kris may be on the step mom side of things where bio mom is not great, she would do wise to understand that all bio moms are not the bad guys. My behavior with respect to the step mom stems from the fact that they were both married people cheating on their respective spouses, and now I am forced to submit my child to her presence. I wholeheartedly diasagree with cheating and yet due to the way the laws are set up, I am FORCED to allow this cheating whore access to my child because she is married to his father. So while your situation may be different, my behavior towards her will NEVER change, I will NEVER accept the presence of her in my child’s life, and she certainly has not earned nor does she deserve my respect.
Thank you so much for this article and this site! I have been turning myself inside out trying to understand the mother in my situation and how on earth she justifies behaviour that to me is so completely outside the best interests of the kids. As a step child, having an ex with a new partner and now a stepmum myself – I thought I understood the whole blended family thing pretty well. I was *shining my halo of self righteousness* as I was being the ‘good one’ and the ex was being unreasonable.
The articles on here were the first time I got ANY insight into why the kids’ mother is behaving the way she is. Posters above were talking about logic and fairness. Mothers who are greiving the loss of their relationships and the loss of their role as sole mother figure do not have the capacity to deal with this fairly and logically. They are wounded and are coming from a place of deep hurt. There is no place in their hearts for openness and cooperation.
I can see now where I went so wrong – I was expecting a woman who had just realised her children’s father was not coming back (despite them being apart a year, that was still her hope) and I was saying ‘Hey, let’s do coffee – you need to accept me because that’s what is best for you kids’. No wonder she hates me!
I have emailed her to apologise for my insensivity. The biggest thing I have learnt on here is that it is unreasonable to expect reason and altruism in the midst of great pain.
You’re welcome, Kat! I’m glad we’ve been able to give you a little bit of insight into the mind of the mom in your situation
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Don’t be too hard on yourself. Many of us had no idea what could possibly be behind the *strange behavior* of this other woman. When we know better, we do better. Right? And good for you for apologizing. Regardless of how she responds to you, you did the right thing for YOU. Good luck!
Just thought I would give an up-date. I was very surprised a week after I sent the email to TM, to get a response. It was a very concilatory email, with a couple of barbs thrown in (only to be expected I think), and in it she offered information about the kids and routines at her place and said that she hadn’t ruled out becoming friends, but it was difficult when it all first happened for her to be in that space.
I have since sent an email back thanking her and sharing some things about the kids at our place. I’m not sure where it will go from here, we are due in court next week to sort out a parenting order, but I have far more optimism than I have had in the past year.
The really great thing is that I sent that email without expectation of a response or a result, it was about making things right from my side and apologising for pain I had caused. Many of my core beliefs about human nature had been challenged during the interactions with TM and it is nice to see that things can change when genuine emotions are exchanged and felt – without judgment and needing to be right.
Kat, that’s awesome! It’s so important to go into these situations with no expectations. And it seems like she was receptive to the fact that you apologized for YOU and your role in all of this. In these situations, baby steps are HUGE, so I def think you have something to celebrate
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Good luck with court and with continued forward movement! Keep us updated
Personally, I have found that I am much less vested (right or wrong) in my step-children’s lives because I have 2 of my own young children. I am so busy with raising them and working full time, that I don’t have a lot of spare time to question whether their biological mother is doing a good job.
If I didn’t have children of my own, I can see myself spending a lot more time analyzing whether the biological mother of my step children was doing a good job… I could also see myself trying hard to fill the role of ‘mother’ in their lives. It must be painful to do a lot of the parenting work without the recognition of mom. If I didn’t have children, I don’t think I would be strong enough to be in a relationship with a man who had children. I tip my hat to you ladies in this situation!