Like sands through the hourglass…


There's a short, but powerful post up at Becoming a Stepmom, by Jacquelyn Fletcher. She talks about the loss of control after a divorce and remarriage that everyone feels, no exceptions. And it's that loss of control that leads to fear, which can then lead to anger, which spills over into bad behavior and a sense of justification and… there you have the stress of a stepfamily, or a family headed by a single or remarried mom.

…A child loses control of their space and their things. Each visit they leave things behind or lose them under a bed.

A stepmother loses control of her home environment each time the children visit. Father’s lose control of the decisions that are made by their ex-wives about the children’s lives. Mothers lose control of their children when they leave for Dad’s house.

Everyone feels out of control, which equals FEAR. To begin alleviating fear, find ways to give everyone a sense that they have a say in what is happening in their lives.

Food for thought….

© 2009 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved

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  1. Well said. The loss of control is huge – compunded by the fact that in our society needing control is seen as a negative thing. Everyone needs some level of control in their lives, oterwise we’d all go nuts, right? Its just a question of how much control can you let go of, and really taking the time to redefine “the new normal”. My personality has actually changed since Ive become a stepmom – it’s had to for me to survive and then find a way to thrive in this environment. Control is a figment of my imagination now.

  2. Stina, sorry for the late reply. Sometimes my brain gets all ADD and I can’t tell if I’m coming or going.
    From learning more about what it’s like to be a stepmom, I can see how you’d feel like control is elusive. I think the key is redefining the “new normal,” like you said. And hearing about how stepmoms and moms have successfully done this.
    It’s hard enough being married! Let alone dealing with kids…. :-)
    Thanks for reading.

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