One thing you can do when the other woman makes you go "Grrrr…"

Underwater_minesHow’s it going with the ex-wife or stepmom in your world? On a misery scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst, are you pushing an eight? A 9.5? Is the dial turned to eleven? When it comes to pick-ups and drop-offs, does your stomach clench up within two miles of their front door? Five? Does the sound of your phone ringing fill you with dread until you see the other woman’s NOT on Caller ID? Are you sick of hearing about how the ex-wife or stepmother "always let’s us do it this way at their house" when it comes to TV, the computer or video games, staying up late, chores, homework or junk food? Do you just wish you could just give up, but you can’t — because you’re stuck with her? Sometimes, no matter how hard you’re trying, no matter how much you’re biting your tongue, taking a deep breath, practicing patience, forgiveness, the extreme discipline involved in failing to murder the other woman, things are still… bad. 

to hear it.

what to do?

only thing you can do.

to the moment. And yourself, away from the whole situation.

it a chunk at a time. In bits and pieces. Day by day. I’m talking about getting
out there and shaking your little (or big) tush.


can make you feel so much better. For
the most part, it’s free; can actually be fun (honest) and doing it for even five
minutes makes a difference. Best of all,
it diffuses stress like a magic little pill, without side effects!

(the stepmom) and I (the mom) usually get along pretty smashingly, but to help
dissolve accumulated stress from my grueling life (writing NYT bestsellers;
going on yet another foreign sojourn with my children; sipping mimosas while
lovingly surveying my extensive "grounds"; lifting that tiny, but
oh-so-heavy silver bell to ring for my personal assistant), I consistently do
two sports that I love: rowing and rock climbing.


started rowing right before I turned 40. I got really sick of driving over Town
Lake every day (it’s called Town Lake, but it’s really a river – the Colorado
River to be exact, but not the one in Colorado, very confusing) and seeing
all the uber-fit rowers, gliding along the water. I would sigh and long to be
out there, but thought you practically had to be a tri-athlete in order to row.  Catch-22.

story short, it wasn’t as hard as I thought, and after rowing for only about
two weeks, I started seeing actual pecs! That alone was enough to
sustain me for months while I tried not to row into the trees lining the water
— just self-obsessively gauging pec-progress. Kind of like navel-gazing. But different.


years ago, an ex-BF (hi Karl!) introduced me to rock climbing. Hmmm, perhaps now’s not a
good time to mention the young woman I heard screaming this weekend, a newbie
on her second climb. Problem was, this shouldn’t have been her second climb, because it was a bit beyond
her abilities. She panicked when she fell (a normal, and usually fairly safe
part of climbing) and ended up bumping her head as she flailed around, eyes
closed. My heart went out to her, not only because she was so terrified that
she started crying, but also because my own second climb involved a fall and
ended in tears. This is dangerous and stupid, I remember thinking. I’m never doing this again!

Well, now I’m an enthusiastic
convert (which could be a whole other essay), but that’s not why we’re here.
We’re here to talk about YOU and why YOU should exercise!



Find something you love to do and enjoy

It might take some experimenting before you really stumble
upon something that makes you say "Ahhhh…" at the same time that
you’re grunting and sweating away, but trust me, the combination is possible.


When I’m out on the river and I hear the rhythmic swooshing of
the oars; when I smile at the stacked dominoes of turtles sunning themselves on
fallen logs and turn my face to the side to let the wind blow away wisps of
hair escaping my cap — all while pushing my legs as hard as possible so I can
feel the boat slip along the top of the water with increasing speed — well,
how much better does it get?


If you hate working out at gyms, then don’t go. Get outside.
Explore. Try things out. And  all that
sampling is the perfect opportunity to get better at something else….


Don’t worry about how
you look or seem

So you feel like a newbie, ignorant and stupid amidst all the
experts. A klutz, dorky and unathletic, or simply fat and out of shape. So you
feel like you’re spilling out of your clothes in all the wrong places or like
you’re not even sure what clothes you "should" be wearing. So you may as well have day-glo yellow paint annointing
your behind — who cares?


Get used to blowing that feeling off.


I’d bet money that feeling
or feeling bad about your body
are the main reasons people either don’t take up exercise, or don’t stick with
it. Mortification is a temporary
experience. De-stressing is worth a few
cringe-worthy moments here and there, even if it takes weeks or months for them
to finally stop coming.


Mushroom_bikeFind something cheap that doesn’t require tons of equipment

My initial investment in rock climbing was slightly over a
hundred dollars (later on, once I knew I was really into it, I spent more). I
can row every day of the week for as long as I want for thirty-six dollars a
month, the cost of a really inexpensive gym membership. This is SO MUCH BETTER
than signing up for a gym and then berating myself every single day for not
going, like I used to. (You’d think all that guilt would have at least burned a
few calories, but I doubt it.) Be creative. There are lots of things you can do
with a pair of tennis shoes.


Do something close to home or at home

Which leads us to location. Tell the truth — if it’s a pain
to get there, huffing and puffing’s probably not going to happen much, is it? I
just happen to live five minutes from the nearest climbing wall outside and
seven minutes from the river and know I’m lucky in that respect.


Can you ride around your neighborhood or city block, can you
make it fun with music you love? Does yoga appeal? Weight-lifting? Are there
hiking trails around you? Places to run or ride a bike?  Somewhere you can go shoot hoops?


Waiting_dog Find other friends to do it with, if possible

Things are always more fun with the occasional buddy.
Sometimes, this makes all the difference between fear and drudgery and
procrastination — and a shared learning curve, a good laugh, and ultimately, commitment.
I’ve made some really close friends through both
climbing and rowing (nothing like putting your life in someone else’s hands to
forge a bond!). It’s helpful to pair up with someone who’s on the same level, but not
absolutely necessary. It’s good to learn, but it’s nice to teach too.

Do it on a regular basis

Face it, you’re always going to be tired – in the morning,
after work, on a Saturday or Sunday morning. But the secret trick about
exercise is that once you do it consistently for about a week or two, it starts
giving you energy. All of a sudden you stop having so many mid-afternoon
comatose crashes. You bounce back a little easier when you wake up early.
Exercise is the gift that keeps on giving. Give it a chance to prove it and
ignore your excuses.

Don’t do it on a regular basis

Enh. Just like anything in life, your routine, time and wherewithal will falter. When I first started rowing three years ago, I was so afraid I’d permanently "fall off the wagon" if I didn’t exercise every. single. day.  So I rowed in 30 degree weather on dark winter mornings, in the wind, in the rain (okay if there’s no lightening). I rowed through colds and nights with little sleep. Now I know I can have a few bouts of non-exercise, lasting weeks, or god forbid, even a month or two. I trust that I’ll always come back to it, because it’s something I genuinely love and miss when I don’t do it.


Do it on a tiny basis

if you can only get down on the floor and stretch for seven minutes, or jog in
place for ten. Even if you can only hop
on your bike for a quick jaunt, or have time to do a fifteen minute walk — do
it. Your body will thank you. Your monkey-mind will thank you (and shut up for
a bit, instead of harping on everything that’s wrong in your life). Your levels
of emotional angst will drop and your feeling of strength will rise — yes,
EVEN IF you’re struggling with someone else you can’t stand on a daily basis.

there a correlation between stress relief and how well you might end up getting
along with the ex-wife or stepmom that you’re "stuck" with? Absolutely.
Even if nothing else changes and she stays as impossible as ever, things are already better in the moment because YOU are.

fun and I’d love to hear about how you exercise, or any other stress reduction techniques that work for you.

© 2008 Jennifer Newcomb Marine    All Rights Reserved

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  1. I enjoy writing (poetry especially) when I am feeling stressed. I have even encouraged Eliza to start writing poetry. In fact, yesterday, I sent her some things to get her started.
    As far as something physical goes, ballet is my drug of choice!

  2. Hey Morocco! Nice to hear from you! Wow, sounds like you and Eliza are in closer contact, is that right? How’s it going?
    Yeah, poetry’s good. My own makes me cringe, though. Have you ever read anything by Jane Kenyon? I love her stuff, very clear and straightforward, but really beautiful.
    And ballet? Oh my god, that’s impressive. I like to sing to my slug-dogs (all they do is lie around the living room all day and wait to be fed) and occasionally bound through the living room like Baryshnkov, but that’s as close as I get (and I’m sure that’s still v-e-r-y far away : ). Did you take lessons? Can you twirl on pointy toes?

  3. Hey Jennifer,
    Yes, the bond is getting stronger. I took Ethan down last week and we had a good time visiting with her. In fact, this was like the most natural, normal visit that we’ve had together. Normal felt good!
    I will check out Jane’s poetry. If you get a chance, stop by our blog. I have invited all readers to try their hand at a particular style of poetry. I also tell how Eliza and I even began our foray into poetry.
    I have been studying ballet for 18 years. I also teach it twice a week. And yes, I do dance on pointe. Ballet is one of my first loves.
    I can’t wait to read the rest of your story on Monday!

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