Babysitting My Ex-Husband’s Son for the Weekend

babysitting my ex-husband's sonThis weekend I did something kind
 of weird, only in the sense that it doesn’t happen very often around the world,
 as far as I know…. I babysat David and
 Carol’s 3-year old son, Jacob from Friday morning ’til Sunday afternoon.

They went
 out of town for a well-deserved break (alone! first time since he was born!) 
and I offered to babysit both Jacob and their two standard poodles in exchange 
for some free web design work.

In case you’re 
new to this column, David is my ex-husband and Carol is his wife (and also my 
daughters’ stepmom). I’m an honorary 
aunt to Jacob (“Auntie Jen”, which sounds alarmingly like “antigen,”
 but anything related to antibodies can’t be all bad, so I’ll take it).

Rather than trying to explain this whole 
arrangement to a perfectly friendly, but nevertheless perfect stranger at the
 park Saturday, I opted instead to simply describe Jacob as the son of close
 friends — which is technically and completely true. What was also weird is that having Jacob here 
with us felt so “normal,” easy and somehow, complete.

I thought I’d simply try and recapture some of my favorite 
moments from the past three days while it’s all fresh in my mind.

I think it’s fair to say that Jacob
and I genuinely really like each other. I’ve
 been told he regularly asks about me in their household.

One of the things
I really loved was him saying “Oh! Hi Jen!” to me regularly
 throughout the day, as if he’d just bumped into me at the corner store. This always prompted an enthusiastic, faux-surprised
 “Oh! Hi, Jacob!” back from me. Our own little call and response. He’s such a ham — he knows this game gets a rise out of me. He smiles in a sly, amused kind of
way that just makes me want to squeeze him.

I was so proud of my two
 daughters (M. and S.) and how much they helped out. Of course, they each have
 their own relationship to Jacob since he’s their brother, but I got a closer
 look at what that’s all about.

When he 
was crying repeatedly throughout his first night here, it was S. (she’s 16) who
 got up with me the first three or four times, without complaint. She sweetly held Jacob to soothe him; she 
even crawled into his crib at one point to help him fall asleep. “Don’t worry, I’ve done this before,”
she assured me. That crib seemed awfully
 small! She knows how to sing to him to distract him; to ask for kisses, which
 he always gives, even through tears.

They were both so patient and comforting and playful. We
 were such a team!

M, in particular (she’s 12) 
knows Jacob really well, now that she’s living with her dad and stepmom. She watches Jacob twice a week while Carol paints 
and she takes her (paying) job very seriously. She was able to handily advise me on matters of food and sleep
 preferences, but was thrilled to be able to leave the dirty diaper changes to 
me. I got to see her repertoire of games,
her personal stock of distraction/placating techniques, and her brisk and 
practical focus on getting things done.

I was really impressed by both of them in different 
ways. It was simply wonderful to see 
them interact with him with love, amusement and affection. Good job, girls!

I enjoyed sitting with Jacob alone on the couch, pulling out
 our tattered little-kid books, which haven’t been looked at in eons. I improvised with the words to keep his
 attention, rediscovering some of my favorite picture-books anew. I watched him hunt for animals hidden in 
trees, study finer visual details and relished hearing him repeat my words 
after me.

S. and I got to hear Jacob sing 
several times. Jacob is extremely musically-inclined. Ever since he was an infant, he’s loved 
banging on things and has a really good sense of rhythm. When music comes in, he’ll immediately stop 
whatever he’s doing and listen carefully. He REALLY pays attention. He’ll 
seize on a few phrases in a song and then sing them, using a soft voice. I am charmed by this, and love seeing him in
the throes of a magic, music trance. Lucky for him, there’s music going at both houses at all hours of the 
day and night.

Jacob didn’t ask for his parents 
too much during the day. I think it
 helped that, along with his two big sisters, his two big dogs were here too,
 knocking up against him. It was like
 part of his house just migrated over here with him.

The hardest part of the whole weekend was Saturday

Friday night had been hell, with Jacob
 waking up over and over and over (I lost track around the tenth time and it’s 
my policy to never look at the clock when I wake up, so it’s all a blur). Every time he cried hard, I went in to soothe
 him. Saturday morning, I was a wreck and
 so was he. He couldn’t seem to nap that
 afternoon, but the girls watched over him while I konked.

At the urgent advice
 of David and Carol, I was to let him cry it out on Saturday night. This was a routine they already had in their house and it worked pretty
 well, with Jacob knowing what to expect and rarely fussing for long.

I was more of an “attachment parenting” kind of 
mom when the girls were younger, but at this point in my life, think there’s
something to be said for either school. I would try out of respect for their approach, and selfishly, so that I
 could get some more sleep.

Nevertheless, it was pretty grueling to hear him crying and
 yelling my name from the other room for what seemed like forever. “Help me Jen!” Jen! Help me!” I finally called David and Carol for
 reassurance. How long should I do 
this? What if he never stopped crying? I felt terrible!

Eventually, thankfully… he settled down.

The next morning, I realized the 
windows to his room had been open all night 
(though the room was warm enough). Great! Now the neighbors were all
 going to think I had been flogging someone the night before. But Jacob was fine and seemingly unscathed,
happy and chipper. It was funny — our
 two parenting philosophies had each had their turn.

One of my very favorite memories
was sitting around the dinner table together. We have four chairs at the table and there’s usually one or more chairs 
empty during meals. Little Jacob was right
 there, perched on a pillow and a towel, chomping away, spiking his food
 deliberately with a fork. All of our 
chairs were full….

It felt complete and right,
having Jacob here, like he was family visiting for the weekend— which he was. And knowing we got to give Carol and David some time off made me feel really good.

You just never know what’s going to
happen in these crazy, new extended-families, once they’re up and running.


© 2008 Jennifer Newcomb Marine

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  1. This is SO WONDERFUL! And inspiring! And cool!

  2. hi!! i’ve been reading you through google reader. and THANK YOU for posting hope. i’m in the beginning stage of peace offerings with the ex.
    i don’t know what the ettiquette is for this kind of thing, but would you mind if i linked to you on my blog?
    please and thank you =)

  3. Thanks, Jill!
    And you’re welcome, Yolanda. Sending you thoughts of good luck with your peace offerings…!
    I took a look at your blog and your last post on butterflies was absolutely hilarious. As I scrolled down to the first picture of the pillow, I really started laughing, but as I kept going the page, and down the page — oh. my. god.
    Link away! (and thanks) Your writing voice is a hoot!

  4. Love this story. Keep trying to convince my husbands ex (my friend and stepkids mother) she needs to take my almost 2 year old for a weekend. She laughs!

  5. idzyrqbw jgpczwbs ejsxaliom xfiynlr gyqwfb iohqtduz olwczrp

  6. This is wonderful… You are an inspiration as a mother, so get past the oh-so-natural feeling of insecurity that someone is encroaching on your territory when a stepmom is introduced into your daughters’ lives… To progress to knowing that no one will ever take your place as a mom, no matter how cool your daughters’ stepmom is, and then from that place of confidence building a true relationship with your kids’ stepmom…. To getting to a place where you take HER child for the weekend and experience some of the things she surely did when she was first building a relationship with your daughters – joy, frustration, exhaustion, admiration, awe, pride, and a sense of true love for a child that is not your own but whom you love as any other member of your family… Despite all these strong and important feelings, I’m sure you never felt like you would or want to replace Jacob’s mother, even though you have a developing bond with him. I wish more bio-moms would, like you, open themselves up to the possibility of caretaking the children of the stepmoms in their life one day – to help them see that yes, even though there is another maternal-esque woman developing a bond with their children, they never have to feel threatened or worry about being replaced as MOM.

  7. Ooops – I meant “to get past”, not “so get past”! I didn’t mean to make that big typo which changes the meaning of the first few sentences!

  8. Thank you for the post. I’ve been on the opposite side of this tale. My son who turned three today has spent the night twice with my 6 & 8 year olds bio mom. Though her & I still have are struggles at times I have always valued and appreciated the kindness and care she has shown for my son, their brother. Each time it was the older two who instigated the over night visit. I’ve had my share of funny looks from friends when they heard where he was but I explained that odd as it may be it was a positive experience for three reasons: it helps the little guy understand where his brother and sister go when not w/ us, it makes all three kids closer as they love sharing their other world w/ their brother and it respects the other mom, after all, I helped raise her children w/o her consent from when they were two and four, she had no choice to trust me or not, so can’t I allow her to help raise my son on occasion?

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